What a FUCKING DAY. I am so glad it’s over. It’s going to be long so get comfy ………….
I have worked my proverbial backside off today!!! It’s my weekend to have the kids, and on a Sunday where they were meant to be with me, I dropped the kids off to my ex at midday and he kept them till 7.30pm … and ohhh did I work!! From the minute I got there until the minute I turned off the lights and locked the door, I was in full work mode.
I was also stressed from the minute I woke up today. I have more orders than there is actually room to pin up in my workroom! There are four walls in there … PLENTY of room and yet the walls are covered with order print-outs and I STILL have a pile *literally* an inch thick from over the weekend that I still have yet to get through! Is it bedlam? Nooo it’s just pre-Christmas!!
I won’t post publicly about what I do for a living, but I am involved in the gift trade, so this time of year is manic. I am already so incredibly grateful that so many repeat customers have come back to me despite the fact that I was offline last year when my marriage broke up. There was just no way I could face it. I have recognised so many familiar names since the site went back online around August this year and it’ s huge! I’ve had so many phone calls and emails that have made my head expand about how terrific my stuff is, and how there is *nothing* else on the market like it. It’s ego boosting, it really is. Customers even know that it does tend to take a while for their stuff to get delivered – but the QUALITY keeps them coming back. I’m damned fucking good at what I do!
I haven’t yet closed off my website to Christmas deadlines though … I’ve been running a few days behind because of the time I’ve taken off to be all indulgent with AP. I am not sorry about the time off and have no regrets! It was worth it because we had needed it!! HOWEVER … it did mean that AP and I were both behind with our work stuff. I have spent way too much time being indulgent and today was purely about catching up. Today was a “bonus day” that I hadn’t expected and I literally worked until I ran out of supplies!! If I’d had more supplies I would have worked longer! Needless to say tomorrow is going to involve a 2.5 hour round trip to get more supplies because I can’t take the chance that it won’t arrive in the post!!
I am having the period from hell which doesn’t help. I am bloated (probably why I was feeling fat and crappy last night) and just a teensy bit emotional. Plus I’ve run out of happy pills (a week ago) and haven’t had a chance to get to the doctor.
AP didn’t get down to the workshop for 9am like he’d planned to. I knew he wouldn’t though – what did I say in my last post? I woke up at 10am with my daughter in my bedroom and I started to berate her for waking me up until I realised she’d brought me up a cup of coffee in my favourite over-sized morning coffee mug. It’s all about the right mug in the morning – trust me! The first thing I did was ring AP as soon as my eyes were functioning — and he was awake. It was a bit of a surprise … I’d expected him to be asleep otherwise why didn’t he call me when he was awake?
He said he’d got an email back from the woman in the country he was born in. He lived there till he was 9 years old and he’d spent the morning reading/replying to the email and looking into some links she’d sent him. I was really glad to know that this couldn’t have waited until later on in the day – or at least until after phoning his girlfriend to let her know he hadn’t been able to get down there for 9am … especially considering he’d said he was going to go to my workshop yesterday to help me out by clearing down the last batch and setting up for a new batch… which he didn’t do because he spent 3 hours writing an email and then he was cold .. and was going to go in early this morning instead!
Do I sound a little bitter there?
Work went really really well. REALLY well. AP got there a few minutes before I did and from the off I let him know I’d had a really stressy morning, that my son had played up, my shower wasn’t working and I was having the period from hell too. I mentioned a pack of cigarettes I’d left at his on Friday and asked him if he’d brought them down with him. He said they were probably smoked and long gone (we smoke the same brand but I always leave the bottom clear wrap on mine and he takes it all off so we know whose are whose anyway). It wasn’t a huge deal as we’re talking a couple of pounds in value, but I was a bit bugged by the way he nonchalantly shrugged it off. I said to him that it was just over a third of a pack at the same time he was telling me it was less than half a pack anyway and that if it was such a big problem he’d replace them. I wasn’t looking for them to be replaced … just after he went so berziequack (it’s a new word for you guys – a “Nessism” meaning mad or crazy) in the middle an argument a few weeks ago about something unrelated… I’d run out of smokes and I took a cigarette out of his packet at the same time as saying “I’m pinching a cigarette.” Apparently I should have asked *first* … I’ve been a little wary around cigarettes since then and always make sure that if he’s out of his or can’t find his, I’ll give him one of mine. It’s just a tiny frigging cigarette ffs!
After I’d mentioned it today, he actually had a go at me for looking for things to have a go at him about!! It felt like me asking him about my pack of cigarettes was somehow offensive and meant I wanted an argument?? He stormed off .. I went back into my work room and just got on with it instead of going in to help him with his stuff! It’s not like I don’t have enough to do of my own!!
It was a bit very uncomfortable between us … but I just cracked on with what I had to do because I had a LOT to do … and I had a bloody good productive day for it too! It takes my stuff an hour before it’s ready to use, and usually in that hour I would help AP with whatever else he needed to do, but after that comment, I just concentrated on getting my own orders prepped, and getting things straight ready to start working as soon as it was all ready. AP just got on with it – I assume …
He never did apologise, but asked for a kiss a little while later and I did melt into his arms and kiss him because it just felt like a big weight off, but something felt weird and odd at the same time … almost like I was trying too much to feel like normal and it didn’t feel like normal. It felt like he was distant with me all day and I guess I was distant in return.
I picked the kids up late from my ex, but he was fine – about it. He had fed them dinner and they went to bed with no real argument or issue, but after they had gone to bed, I thought to myself damnit I deserve a glass or two of wine… and honestly what is wrong with that? I am inviting comment here. PLEASE POST IN REPLY even if it is anonymously and use a fake email address! If you’ve had a shitty day at work and have had the day from hell, would you feel bad about having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening once the kids are in bed? Even more so … would it make you feel like a dreadful person if you got to the point where you were feeling a little squiffy? Heaven forbit what if you polished off a whole bottle of wine to yourself?!?!?!
Would this make you an alcoholic or a bad person or in any way not worthy??? Fuck off no … of course it wouldn’t!
It’s not often that I invite comment, but this is one of those times!
After the last issue with AP and the way I lied to him about drinking the bottle of wine that was leftover from the other night … I decided to be completely honest, so before he asked me … I told him I’d decided to drink the Chardonnay that was left in the fridge and that I’d had a glass and a half. I even told him they were big glass-fuls so I wasn’t lying or trying to hide anything.
He got weird with me and I knew it … I felt it happen as soon as the word ALCOHOL was out of my mouth. He said to me that he felt uncomfortable but didn’t know why. I knew damned well it was because I’d had a drink. He wouldn’t even say it though, he just said he didn’t know why he felt that way. It took prodding before he admitted it.
I WASN’T EVEN DRUNK!! Not even anywhere remotely close to it.
I’ve realised AP is the one who has the problem with alcohol – not me. I am not his alcoholic father who abandoned his mother while she was pregnant and then abandoned him over a couple of telephone calls. I am also not his ex who used to drink and beat the crap out of him. I am ME … and ME likes to relax with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening.
I ask you again … is that wrong? AP and I drink together – so it’s not like he is anti-alcohol in general.
He said to me tonight that there were just too many lies associated with me and drinking. There are only a couple that I can think of where I have knowingly lied to him. One was recently over the bottle I replaced … and the other was about 7-8 months ago just after I’d spilled the “I love you” beans to AP and felt that he wasn’t feeling it in return. At this point I’d got friendly with a woman called JH … and it’s a long story but basically there was a Girls Night when I talked to some good friends about the way I thought that AP honestly didn’t feel the same. AP and I had been due to spend the night together and after spilling the “I don’t think he loves me” beans to him a week or so beforehand … I’d not felt it back from him. After speaking to a close friend EJ that night and chatting to JH as well, I had decided that maybe a night apart without my kids would be a good thing and I was going to stay at JH’s for the night.
JH took my phone from me and was already calling AP by the time I realised what she was doing. She created this elaborate lie over the phone to AP and EJ literally had to pin me down and stick her hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming because I knew damned well that AP would never believe it. Point is – I allowed myself to get caught up in the lie. I could have called him back and told him it was bullshit, but I chose to let the lie play out. It was a couple of weeks before I admitted the truth to him, but I did confess the truth without being asked and I told him exactly why I had felt at the time that I had to go along with the lie.
He does however (or did) credit me with the fact that I told him the truth about that. I just openly told him one evening that the whole “JH night” (as it is now referred to) was bullshit and that I’d got caught up in a web of someone else’s lies.
AP doesn’t like it when I drink. He asked me over the phone if he could ask me a question … I said yes of course, and he asked me why I felt the need to drink by myself.
Why do I feel the need? It’s not a need! It’s because I fancy it! Tonight – a Sunday evening after a stressy weekend I decided to have a couple of glasses left out of the bottle in the fridge after my kids had gone to bed. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and realise I’ve had more than I thought and I wobble my way up to bed … but jeeeeeez what is honestly wrong with that considering most of the time it is just a couple of glasses and not exactly every night!? I am a grown adult!
Why do I have a drink by myself in the evening sometimes? Should I even have to answer that?
- I fancy relaxing in the bath or in front of the TV with a glass of something alcoholic.
- It’s been a stressful day and I just want to take the edge off.
- I am wound up and know I won’t sleep, so a glass or two of wine helps me to relax and fall asleep.
- Because I am a grown adult well over the age of 18 and I just damned well want to!
I feel like I have to answer to AP about my drinking because of our past history and it shouldn’t be like that. I told him I felt like I was being questioned and he went nuts, told me that I was the one who said that when all he did was ask me one question.
Bottom line … I just don’t feel good feel like a piece of crap and I don’t know what I did wrong tonight.
I was wrong to have got carried away with JH’s lie and I should have told him the truth, but I really and truly felt like he didn’t actually really love me after I’d said “I love you” for the first time! My head was mixed up and I had a couple of girlfriends who were listening to me combined with too many glasses of vino.
I was also wrong to have lied to him the other night when he asked me if it was the same bottle of wine and I said yes it was – despite knowing I’d drunk it (over the course of 3 evenings) and replaced it. The simple fact that he felt the need to test me by marking the bottle speaks volumes about how little this man trusts me. Is it such a big deal that I drank a bottle of wine and replaced it a week later? I paid for the bottle in the first place!! It was MY wine in MY fridge to do with as I pleased!!
It really pisses me off that he tested me like that. It was almost as if he set me up to lie to him … and yes, he is capable of being that clever. Why else would he have marked the bottle in the first place?
I know it hardly helps with trust when I’ve lied to him… but I honestly think that he thinks I am sat here pissed and chatting to men online. In fact I know it because he’s asked me before. When we had the last argument over alcohol he reckoned I was sat here talking to my friend EJ and drinking with her while chatting on MSN. I replied seriously … seriously … the woman has just given birth to her seventh child – she has way better things to do (like sleeping!!!) past a certain time and that I rarely chat to her beyond about 9pm in the evenings because she is knackered – and rightly so!
If I am not talking to her, then who am I talking to? Errr well AP most of the time YOU! We voice chat over MSN or talk on the phone from the point my kids are in bed for most of the evening…. and if we’re not online voice chatting then it’s because one or the other of us has said we’re knackered and want to curl up and watch TV. I have NO interest in other men - none whatsoever! Naked men could be sat here in my front room right now and I wouldn’t even be looking because when I am in a relationship – that is it! I give it my all. If this isn’t going to work … which is how I am feeling right now … then I just want to be single for a very very long time.
WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO BE SO FUCKING DEFENSIVE???
Your thoughts?
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