Going au natural

The tablets to stop the bleeding have made me feel horrific. I’ve been light headed, woozy and dizzy – more so than my usual blonde-ness, so I stopped taking them – simples. It seemed absolutely ridiculous that the cure was worse than the original symptom. I think I’ll take the bleeding … thanks! The diziness hit all of a sudden and it was very obvious that I wasn’t going to go anywhere. AP was there and watched me literally change before his eyes and practically begged me not to take anymore because of what they were doing to me.

He has been fantastic today. He’s listened, been a venting shoulder and come up with some really good ideas. He switched on his computer and we started looking up natural remedies … I don’t know WHY I didn’t think of it before.

AP has been a total mother hen today and really looked after me – he’s run around after me, made me toast and fetched me drinks! Love him so very much

I’ve done a lot of research this evening and now consider myself much more of an expert on how to handle heavy bleeding naturally. I’ve read up on the differences between ALL of the mini-pills and think I’ve found one that I want to ask the doctor to put me on when I’ve had my cycle break. I also know all about the way that lack of different vitamins causes heavy bleeding. It’s common sense stuff, but it has been a good thing to sit down and do some reading up. I’ve looked at ways to change my diet to try to get these vitamins naturally instead of stuffing myself with even more supplements!

I’ve ALSO read up a lot on bach flower remedies and homeopathy. I’ve used the Rescue Remedy before when I was first diagnosed with anxiety, but there are actually quite a few of the bach flowers that could help my periods. I then got sidetracked into homeopathy where there is a huge ENORMOUS wealth of herbal remedies and tinctures I could take.

A lot more reading to do first, and see what happens with diet changes over the next 2-3 months.

Tired – bed – pillow – sleep …………………

Monday night Random-Ness

Okay so I just feel like waffling a bit! I’ve just had a luverly bubble bath in all of my delicious yummy smelling body stuff and I feel great! The thing about baths for me though is that they always set my mind off in such random directions while I am laying there in the scented candlelight …. mmm yummy!

So … lots of unrelated things that whizzed  through my mind while I was in the bath!

I so need to make money and soon. I mentioned in my last post about how I have been keeping the wolves from the door, but it won’t last for long. They’ll huff and they’ll puff and they will BLOW my house down, and if I am not careful there will be absolutely fuck all I can do about it too. I’ve been lucky so far and I put it down to sheer fluke rather than any planning on my part that I am still here, breathing and have posessions to call my own that the bailiffs haven’t taken away yet. Yes, it is that bad.

My site is offline at the moment because of new crappy hosts but hopefully that will be sorted by Tuesday afternoon. I NEED to make money. Every penny that I make from orders is processed via a 3rd party for credit card sales. They take a percentage and then pay the rest directly into my business account… which has been turned into a repayment for the small business loan (SBL) that I took out in stupidity about five years ago. I say in stupidity because I have absolutely nothing to show for it other than the debt. I’ve had no orders for the last 3 weeks which means the bank are going to be on my tail soon. I NEEEEED to get orders coming in again. I NEEEEEED to have some cashflow through the business account and fast or … well, let’s not think about the “OR”!

I LOVE THE WII! I’ve been agonising over buying “Just Dance” for the Wii for – well, for as long as it’s been out, and today while I was in Tesco I thought fuck it … and put a copy in my trolley! I have to say … it’s one of THE best purchases I’ve made in a long time!! By the time we were done shopping and back home this evening it was 5.30pm. The kids were both very hungry so I made them a quick snack and I started on the Just Dance! It’s absolutely brilliant! I can’t say it enough! LOL Before too long my son was wanting to have a go .. and then even my daughter decided to have a go “just to try and beat her brother” … and the three of us were hooked! I have two remotes and soooooooooo need another Wii remote control so 3 of us can compete against each other, but at £30 odd it will have to wait!

I did some research about the pills and the difference between the combined and mini pills… and from what I’ve read, the main risk of DVT or blood clots is in smokers aged 35+ who are overweight and lead a sedentary lifestyle – ie couch potatoes. Now, I know I have the odd day where I feel like a potato and want to sit on the couch, but in general I’m pretty active, smoke less than 10 a day and I’m not overweight… so where exactly is the risk? I’m thinking that when I go and see my doctor when I’ve had my smear test, I ask her about putting me back on Femodene. Ohhh dear sweet Femodene how I miss thee and the way you gave me 3-4 day periods with very light bleeding and absolute regularity.

What if I get pregnant? It’s a thought and a very real possibility if I’m not on the pill. AP was the first one to suggest condoms, but with the amount we already spend on lube, toys, batteries etc … I think condoms would probably bankrupt us! I’m going to have to go to a family planning clinic and get a metric fuckload for free instead!

Okay well I did have more, but apparently I’m really tired and it’s past midnight so I need my beauty sleep!

More than I bargained for …

Warning – period talk LOL look away now if you need to ….

Still here? Okay then! I’ve always had fairly heavy periods and when I was in my early teens I went onto the combined pill Femodene. It sorted out the irregular, heavy bleeding. When I was in my late teens, it was taken off the market as a “risk factor” pill because of the link to blood clots and DVT. I tried the injection and it was awful – I turned into a hormonal wreck plus I didn’t like the idea of long release medication in my body so you can forget the implant for the same reason! I don’t want something in my body that is not supposed to be there which also rules out the coil. I know TW swears by hers and lots of women do, but errr, ummm … with the type of sex life I have it would get in the way!

I went back onto Femodene and there I happily stayed until my 35th birthday started approaching! As a 35+ year old SMOKER, the risks of clotting are much higher, so I had to come off Femodene because of the same risk. My doctor put me onto Cerazette which is a mini pill rather than a combined pill, so it doesn’t have the same blood clot risks. I’ve been on it for just over a year and I am going to be 35 in July ….

I have my period – again … I say again because I pretty much always have my period at the moment! I can go 2-3 months with absolutely no bleed at all, and then have several all within a week or so of each other … and it is heavy. The consistency of the bleed varies between thick and mucousy – or very watery and the colour also varies between brown and bright red.

I woke up this morning and as usual from overnight there was a little bit of blood. I went straight to the toilet so I know I was clean “down there” and within minutes of coming downstairs, I felt a popping feeling and literally exploded with blood… it was all down my leg and bright red – it dripped all over the floor, all the way up the stairs to the toilet again. It really made me feel quite queasy and unsteady on my feet.

I called the doctor as soon as I’d dropped the kids off and made an appointment for first thing … unfortunately I couldn’t get to see MY doctor, only a locum and he was pathetic. He was more interested in telling me that if I quit smoking I could go back onto Femodene and gave me a lecture on the sins of being a smoker. FFS. He did give me some tablets called Tranexamic Acid which will stop/slow the bleeding for now. It’s apparently given to haemophilliacs and has some nasty side effects, but it should only be for a few days. I’ve got 4 days worth of tablets and they are huge – like fucking horse pills and I need to swallow 6 of them a day.

Basically what I am going to do is stay OFF the pill now. I’m going to have a couple of natural cycles and let my body settle down to where it is meant to be naturally. The locum doctor did book me in for a smear test to make sure that everything is okay “down there” and that is booked for next Tuesday, so I am going to wait for the results of the smear test and THEN book an appointment with MY doctor.

I’ve talked to AP about it all – he’s been SO supportive and really there for me. He was the first person I called this morning and when I told him what had happened with the blood that exploded all over my legs, he was really worried and even offered to come to the doctor with me – said he’d wait outside in the waiting room if I didn’t want him to go in with me! As it turned out I managed to get an appointment for half an hour after I’d dropped the kids off and called AP back to let him know and he made me promise to ring him as soon as I got out of the doctor.

I tried calling AP as soon as my foot was out of the door, but I couldn’t get through … and by the time I’d picked up my prescription I’d started to bleed through my tampon and I could feel it on my jeans. It wasn’t nice. AP called me literally just as I was walking through the door of the pharmacy and I said I’d call him back … but I didn’t because I felt so icky and just HAD to get out of town and get home. I rang AP when I’d had a chance to get upstairs to the toilet and sort myself out … by then he was already on his way to my place as he was really worried about me.

There really was genuine concern in his eyes and the expression on his face said it all. When he got here, he held me so tight and wouldn’t let go for ages! He was just holding me, kissing my hair and saying how worried he had been.

I talked to AP about the Tranexamic acid that I’ve been given to stop the blood flow, and when I did some research online about the side effects … his face said it before his mouth did! I’m suffering with my periods due to the effects of a PILL and they are giving me another PILL to fix it that will have WORSE side effects than the original PILL!

He is completely backing me up on me taking a break from “the pill” for at least a couple of months, and when I said that it could potentially take up to 6 months to get my cycle back properly, he said “DO IT!” Straight away he said “We’ll be extra careful and we’ll use condoms if we have to. Whatever it takes and for however long it takes.” I think he was probably MORE encouraging of me getting off the damned thing that has done this to me than *I* was!! It meant a hell of a lot to know that he wasn’t just thinking about sex and happily offered to use condoms for six months if we need to. He was more concerned about ME and my HEALTH.

Something else that came up in conversation today too was my debts … I owe a fair amount of money from my business and I’ve beaten the wolves away from the door once before, but my whacking stick isn’t big enough to stop them a second time. AP has pretty much taken over paying the rent at the workshop for me as I’m not currently making enough, and he even offered today to take out a loan in his name with no strings attached to cover a big portion of it so that I can breathe. He believes in me and believes in my products… he wouldn’t offer to put himself at financial risk otherwise! AP is an Aquarian remember - an exceptionally logical human being who rarely makes foolish choices, especially financial ones.

I thanked him so very much for the offer and told him how much it meant to me that he believed in me that much, but I said I wouldn’t and couldn’t allow him to do that and would put my foot down with a firm hand! I really appreciate the offer and it is amazing to know that he believes that much in me, but it just wouldn’t feel right. I’d feel like I owed him even though he said no strings and if we split up he’d still keep paying off the loan as it would be in his name.

It is just one in a string of things recently where AP has surprised me. I can see he is making REAL effort and I’m just trying to keep myself grounded and stop myself floating off up into fluffy la la land and falling even harder in love with him!! I need to stay focussed … I have a business to bring back from the very very dead, and two children who are responding VERY well to Mama’s new House Rules!! It is brilliant that AP and I have had a couple of amazing days since our last argument …. and a nice week before that last argument, and a fantastic three weeks before THAT last one … LOL BUT — hopefully my friends will agree that I think I finally see where I am going with that one!

About fucking time Nessa huh!

Permission to shoot me

It was gone 3am when AP left  last night  this morning at some point in the early hours… and thankfully my children are old enough to get themselves up and sort out their own cereal/toast and amuse themselves with the TV until I get up. The kitchen usually looks like a bomb has gone off, but at least the Mama gets to sleep in!! I woke up at 10.30am and I called AP as soon as my eyes were open. I called him straight away partly because we’d had a fight followed by making up and make-up sex (did I say that?!) and he’d only left because his family member was leaving early for work, wouldn’t know where he was and the dog would be alone… but also partly because he’d said he wanted to spend a serious amount of time down at work today (Sunday) getting things cleaned up, cleared away and the prep for next week started.

Okay, I called him because I wanted to make sure that he was up because after the way we’d had a fight on Friday about me not going to work straight away in the morning if I had a bit of housework to do … that he damned well still went down there and did the stuff HE had to do even if I wasn’t there. Part of me feels like the argument we had over that stupid half an hour was him getting frustrated at himself not getting things done, and taking it out on me… As it turned out, he didn’t get down there … he decided instead that he had some things at home that he needed to be getting on with. Anyone else want to say hmmmm?

Okay on a different side though, I had planned today all along to take the kids to the cinema. It’s been a while since I took them out and they’ve both been making real effort with behaviour (it’s all a bribe from reward charts and pocket money but working!!) … and I had invited AP along when I planned it earlier in the week. I’d reminded him about the cinema when we were talking this afternoon and was almost surprised when he said he still wanted to come with us. I’d half expected an excuse …

It was a really nice evening. We got there early so had something to eat at McDonalds before going into the film and AP really surprised me there too. He **hates** crowds, hates being anywhere that he feels claustrophobic and hates having to queue up for things. He did all of the above and I know it took a lot of effort for him to be standing there in line for so long at the ticket office, then having to wait around in the foyer before the film started. It was him making a lot of effort. He did all of the driving too … I paid for the tickets before he had a chance and I wouldn’t take his money, so he paid for the food, then the popcorn and drinks. He’s fine actually *in* the cinema, but really hates being amongst large crowds of people.

He also knows it’s important to me that if we are going to move our relationship forward, then I want him to spend time with me and the kids together… and he did that today when I know he’s behind on work and I know he’s feeling frustrated about being behind on work. He showed me that he listened to what I was saying … and we’ve arranged for 10am in the morning so I have the time to come back home and get the things done that *I* need to do!

He is making the effort … I have to give him points for that. As long as neither of us fall into complacency and as long as I keep hold of my sparkly bollocks because there have been times in the past where I’ve thought the same and allowed myself to turn into emotional jelly. I am NOT – repeat NOT – going to do this another time. Shoot me there and then if I do because I give you my full permission!

Things that make you go Hmmm

I know a song about that … “Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmm” see, sometimes I think it’s all going so well, and other times I think “what the fuck just happened there?”

Two examples …

Friday – we were talking about work, getting motivated to get back into it properly so the pair of us can really make some money this year and sort out our finances. He said how he wanted to plan to be in the workshop from 9am every day Monday-Friday and get as much done early in the day as possible so that we can potentially have our afternoons free to chill out and relax before I have to pick the kids up. He was going on about how most self employed people work all the hours that they have spare, and how where I have the kids, obviously it’s different for me … but how I should be doing more, getting the accounts up to date and advertising etc. The conversation flows on, he goes on to say more about how I shouldn’t arrange things with friends during “working hours” because I have a business to build back up again and need to spend the time better.

Yes, I want to be making some positive changes too, and building my business up, but I don’t really have any other time to meet up with friends (for a quick coffee & chat I mean) other than during school hours when the kids aren’t around…. OR on an evening where I don’t have the kids, but then that impacts on our time together – which he doesn’t like. It’s not exactly as if I’m out socialising EVERY DAY – I think it’s all because I’ve said I’ll help EJ out next friday for a few hours so I can’t be at the workshop for a time HE has planned to be at the workshop… and I’ve said I fancy trying to do lunch with TW and LC before the next Girls Night.

I said what I would like to do is meet him down at the workshop for 9.30 on some days so I have time to come home for a quick coffee and tidy up my house before going to work. I’d also like to get back to the gym at least a couple of times a week.

He went absolutely ape-shit at me! Okay that’s a bit far fetched – he didn’t go ape-shit, but he did NOT like the fact that I wanted to spend half an hour in the morning doing housework when I have the time available after school when I have picked the kids up, or I could do it in the evening after dinner. I also shouldn’t be wasting money on gym membership because he wants to buy gym equipment and we can “spot” each other. I was very perplexed by his response because it felt like he was telling me how I should spend my day and I really REALLY do not like that… it was half an hour and I wasn’t even talking about every day … just every now and again when I need a half hour catch up.

He also did not like it when I pointed out that for most of last week I’ve been leaving my house for the school run and then going over to his place … and sitting around there most of the day doing absolutely nothing when I could have been spending that time catching up on housework because that was spending time together!

Example #2

Yesterday evening (Saturday) we were on the phone and he asked me if I could do him a favour. It wasn’t a biggie by any standards and I didn’t technically actually have to do anything … but I had an issue with part of it, so I asked him to explain and his response made me question whether I had actually asked him to surgically remove his big toe instead! I didn’t understand and things went a little quiet on the phone. He’d explained, I still didn’t see the point so things kinda went quiet over the phone. He asked me what was wrong… and really there was nothing wrong because as I’d said – it wasn’t a huge favour. From what felt like nowhere, AP started telling me I was wound up and stressed …. telling me not to get so wound up … and then asking me what else was wrong!!!

I wasn’t able to get a word in edgeways without him cutting me off and shutting me up by continuing to talk over me so loudly. It resulted in a massive row over the phone, BUT … I stayed completely calm all throughout. I did not turn into an emotional wreck, I took hold of my feelings and damned well told him exactly why he had pissed me off. I even said to him said “you are acting like a prick and I refuse to talk to you right now.”

At that point he decided that I was obviously upset and he’d be better off talking to me tomorrow. I was ready to throw the towel in myself because I was so wound up, so I said “Yes, fine that’s probably a good idea … we’ll talk tomorrow” and just hung the phone up. In true AP style, he called back again, and again, and again … and again, so around 10.30pm I answered my mobile to tell him I was switching it off and then my land line started ringing over and over and over. I answered it and he begged me to wait and hear him out, but all he did after promising me he’d let me speak … was to interrupt me, talk all over me and not let me speak.

I switched my mobile off and the land line started ringing – and ringing, and ringing.  I turned my music up LOUD and closed the lounge door so I couldn’t hear it ringing and went into major kitchen cleaning mode so I didn’t have to listen to it. Eventually I answered to tell him I was unplugging it so he didn’t wake the entire household. He said again that he’d let me speak. I said nothing - just stayed really quiet because I hadn’t really seen the point of even trying to speak. AP then said to me “You were having a period the last time we had an argument, and how funny is it that you have a mid-month bleed and we’re arguing again.”

Yeah, that was the point I hung up my land line and unplugged the ringer. I refuse to let him even try to remotely blame my periods for our arguments! The simple fact of the matter is that we argue whether I’m having a freakin’ period or not, and there have been plenty of times where I’ve been “on” and things have been absolutely fine so it’s bullshit.

The GOOD thing about the argument though is that I hadn’t had a drink so I know damned well it wasn’t alcohol related like some of our other arguments have been potentially blamed on!! It was a Saturday night and I’d even stopped in the garage earlier in the day to grab some cigarettes and I’d looked at the lovely wines all lined up … I’d thought about the 1/3 full bottle of vodka in my cupboard, but then just turned around and walked away. I thought about my puffy eye bags, about saving a fiver on a bottle and about how I didn’t need to have a drink … and I am so glad I didn’t. It meant that I didn’t turn into an emotional cabbage when AP and I rowed — and I could remember everything said without that layer of alcohol squiffiness over the top.

He turned up on my doorstep around 11pm and I had NOT expected it. I don’t know why I thought he wouldn’t show up this time, because he usually does show up on the doorstep. He’s not a man who likes to leave things in a bad way, and I was always taught never to let the sun set on an argument, but there was just something about last night … I really and truly had enough of being overtalked.

Anyway yes, so back to me NOT being an emotional wreck last night and actually being completely calm (I know!!) AP just kept apologising over and over again. He looked dreadful – he had been crying very hard and was still crying. He was asking me for a hug and I had to say no … I can’t just “stop and hug” once it has already got to this point. I am absolutely fed up of being talked to and treated that way and I am in no mood to hug the person who has made me feel like this because HE needed a hug to feel better.

He sat there next to me, looked at me right in the eyes and admitted it was his fault. Obviously I’m not without blame as it takes two, but my only blame really in this one was having an issue with something he’d asked me to do and then going a bit quiet because I felt awkward! He said he didn’t know why he’d acted/reacted that way, and I can only put it down to his insecurity which is *still there* after three and a half years. Maybe he feels he isn’t worthy and to a certain extent – if things carry on the way they have been – he isn’t worthy!!!

We talked … a lot. He asked me if I was really sure I wanted to be with him? I didn’t understand where the question came from and he couldn’t explain past just saying that he wanted to make sure I didn’t feel stuck! I said to him that I’ve done being “stuck” in a relationship and I refuse to do it again, but that I also refuse to be in a relationship where I don’t feel I am a equal in the conversation when we have an argument. I won’t be talked over, or I simply won’t talk, and eventually I’ll get to a point where it really and truly is enough.

One thing I do know is that I had my bollocks with me last night. TW would have been proud of me!

He said he will get me to believe him – that he truly does mean it this time, that he really is sorry and he’ll prove it… I’m 50/50 on it but he asked for a chance and he’s got it…. it’s the last one though.

Puffy The Eyebag Slayer

I am on a mission to get rid of the dark circles and the puffy bags under my eyes! I look so tired all of the time … and it’s probably because I am! I do try to get to bed before midnight but it rarely happens so I know I don’t get enough sleep, I’m a smoker, I drink waaaay too much strong black coffee, don’t drink enough water, haven’t been eating properly, I also have a busy life as a single mum so I get run down, haven’t been exercising properly … and the arguments with AP haven’t helped either!!

Soooo I am going all out in my attack against eye bags! I HAVE been trying to eat properly … or at least plenty of fruit & veg. I have usually always got blueberries & strawberries, kiwis & grapes in the fridge with low fat vanilla yoghurts and a bowl of that makes a great snack late at night … I’ve cut down on coffee in the evening and am drinking more water and I’ve been getting my backside on the Wii more often! I have also completely cut back on alcohol! Since last weekend’s serious binge overdose on Girls Night,

I am determined to relax and get more “me-time” … so I went shopping!! Not that shopping was my “me-time” but I went into Boots and spent a fortune stocking up on my favourite skin care range! I got shower gel, bubble bath, body scrub, body butter, body mist … eeek and more all by Soap & Glory (god I LOVE LOVE LOVE that stuff!) …. and I bought me some of the EYE GEL too!!

I had such a gorgeous bubble bath last night – soaking and scrubbing myself in all of this delicious yummy stuff, and after all of the intensive cleansing, I spent a good 20 minutes laying there doing absolutely nothing with cold brewed teabags on my eyes. I used the eye gel last night, again this morning and have just slathered on a nice layer to go to bed with tonight! My skin has definitely tightened up around my eyes and I swear that the puffiness has gone down and the dark circles aren’t as bad.

I’m GOING TO START TAKING CARE OF MY SKIN!! I’m 35 this year and have so far managed to get away with it, but it’s time to really start looking after me, myself and I. Did I say I love Soap & Glory? I love the smell, I love the packaging (retro 50s and PINK!) not to mention smothering myself with the stuff really makes me feel a million dollars.

Thank GOD it’s February!!

I am just SO glad it is February! So far this year I’ve had the usual financial recovery from Christmas that everybody else has, but I’ve also had so much else to spend out on last month, PLUS it was AP’s birthday in January! I need to tighten my purse strings completely to try and compensate over the next month…

• Landline phone stopped working (£40 to replace)
• Kettle died (£25 to replace)
• Washing machine broke and flooded the kitchen (£150 for a cheap machine)
• Daughter’s new mobile phone (£80 that broke within 2 weeks)
• Car fuel pump gave up and needed replacing (£155 plus labour)
• Two new tyres on the car plus replace my spare tyre (£150)
• Car locksmith to “break in” to my car and cut me 2 new car keys (£160)
• Plus AP’s birthday and I spent around £150 on him.

It’s been never-ending … or at least it has felt like it!! I just added it all up and it scared me so much I’m not going to write down the number – I’m going to try to forget how much extra I had to spend out in January!

On the upside, things with AP are SO much better. We’ve just had an amazing 24 hours together while my children were at their dad’s and I feel very happy and positive about everything. AP has really been making an effort – I can see it, and because I can see he is making the effort, it makes me WANT to make the effort again too instead of feeling resentful that I am and I he’s not!!

I realised that I’d started keeping my worries to myself again or voicing them in my blog instead of actually talking to my man. How stupid is that?! I also remembered back to when I was making a point of telling him when I had a little niggly thing on my mind … and how easy it became to really really talk about things, and we’re doing that again. It was good today to really talk about the nitty gritty of the future and our future together – the things we both wanted from it, and also to a certain extent, some sacrifices that we weren’t prepared to make.

We had a really good talk about alcohol and I told AP about some of the thoughts I’ve had about me and alcohol recently. Mainly that I don’t think I handle wine very well. Whenever I think back to a situation where I’ve lost control or had some kind of wreckless abandonment (can’t remember getting home, a ride in a police car, falling onto and off of assorted things including chairs, tables, a stereo system, two laptops at last count etc etc … ) it has always been after drinking WINE.

I actually look like a giraffe with all of my bruises and AP laughed at me, joking that he was going to join up the dots on me while I sleep! I’m a much better drunk on vodka and don’t fall over anywhere near as much (!) so I’m going to stick to the voddie from now on!

As to the rest of the last 24 hours …. last night was amazing, well actually WE were amazing because – AAARRRGGGHHH I can’t tell you. It’s a rule that I have about how THAT part of my life stays private – well, the details anyway! That’s between me and AP, but oh my god and WOW! The two of us together just bring out a different side of ourselves that never existed before and it is very very sexy! The whole of the rest of today the pair of us had such stupid grins on our faces – so much so that we had to do it all over again just to make SURE that it was as good as we’d thought it was! LOL … it was

It’s the two of us together – we just fit.

Details, Details!

 I woke up today feeling SO refreshed – just getting my head down early (by 11.30pm) for the last couple of nights has really helped my emotional well-being and I definitely feel better. It’s been an amazing day today. We’ve cleared a lot of things from the air.

AP called me just after 7am to see if I wanted a lift to do the school run and he was here by 8am. It was absolutely pissing down with rain, so we would have been soaked if we’d had to walk! He did this a few times for me last week while my car was in the garage with a poorly fuel pump, so I know it wasn’t just to make up for the argument. He made the effort to get up at 7am this morning when he didn’t have to … just to give me a lift to do my school run. In a way it’s only really what I’d hope/expect from my boyfriend … I’ve gone out of my way a lot in the past to help him out when he’s had car trouble or when he’s needed help, so it is about being there for each other. He proved he was there for me when I needed him.

He took me up to MacD’s for breakfast after we’d dropped the children off, then we spent some time just  talking and holding each other. He apologised again for being a dick — but he actually used the word “asshole” instead LOL we talked about how since our last argument at Christmas things have been SO amazing! We’ve had pretty much the whole of the start of 2010 where both of us had really been feeling like we’ve been walking on clouds, and other than odd daily stresses, we’ve had smiles on our faces and been so happy together.

Our relationship has strengthened and grown by huge amounts over the last month especially, and up until that argument I could see where AP was really putting in the effort. I was starting to grow my bollocks back a little bit more – and piece by piece, it was slotting in together nicely. Then …. then that stupid argument last Saturday before Girls Night just came out of nowhere, it really did. I had to admit to him that it shocked me to the core because he and I have been getting so much closer and closer recently. It has been like a new relationship completely… and it hasn’t all been down to the sex getting better either!!

After talking, we also think that was partly a contributing factor to the argument – sex or rather the lack of it! We don’t get huge amounts of private / personal time together overnight without my children being around, and the last few nights we’d spent together we’d either been tired, or just in a different/non sexual mood and just snuggled up to sleep together at night. Maybe we were each feeling a little unsure about the fact that it had been a week or so since we’d had sex, and the awkward atmosphere fed off of that insecurity as well… it’s a possibility.

Whatever it was that actually caused the argument in the first place, AP and I both agree that neither of us were really to “blame” for it because it did come out of nowhere and shocked us both! I’m happy that he’s stepped up and taken responsibility for his part and agreed that resorting to name calling is low and makes him not even worthy of being stepped on (in my opinion!) I’m also glad that when I suggested *I* may have been partly responsible for some of it … that he didn’t automatically jump all over it and make it all my fault. So … whatever caused it, we’ve resolved it completely and talked about the leftover niggles that we’d both had from it. We’ll see! ….

We have been together 3.5 years and we still have that spark. I still get butterflies in my stomach and still fancy him rotten! We kissed properly for the first time in a few days and both of us just instantly knew … those warm squishy and tingly feelings rushing up from your feet to the tip of your head!! AP said he felt like he needed to explode and goddamnit I did too … LOL so we took a shower together, and errr, umm, exploded!

The afternoon was spent doing some rather indulgent shopping! AP likes his “layers of smell” with a body wash, a different scrub for his face, his cologne etc and most of his had all run out. I’d also lost most of my “favourite” make-up when my bag got stolen on Saturday night, so AP decided we were going shopping, and he gave me £100 cash ($160USD) to spend on replacing my perfume and buying some new make-up!

This afternoon … FINALLY my car is back on the road! It cost me £160 to have two keys made to fit it and the guy was done quicker than he had time to drink his coffee! *Sigh* I’ve learned some expensive lessons from my night out! I know for sure that if I ever buy another car that only comes with ONE key in the future, then I will get a spare cut as soon as possible! I will never ever take my car keys with me – or even my regular keys when I am out drinking … I will take ONE door key and tie it to my frigging bra on a bit of string! Ohhh my new debit card arrived in the post today as well, so that’s a relief!

 Everything else is kind of getting there. My appetite is back … it completely disappeared while AP and I were arguing and funnily enough it’s back now! I ate the breakfast AP bought for us at MacDs this morning, and I cooked a “proper dinner” from scratch for me and the children this evening! I cleaned up my house, vacuumed everywhere and finally tackled the dishes that had been building up by the sink since Saturday as well, so I think my sparkle is on it’s way back too!!

I need it to be longer than just a month that things have been going well for … but if things keep going the way that they are going, then I think I’ll be keeping the smile that’s on my face at the moment xx

AP came over to talk …

I want to keep this brief as it’s almost midnight and I have an early start tomorrow … but I have to get it off my chest before I go to bed.

AP came over about 9pm after the kids had gone to bed and we spent three hours solidly talking. The first thing he did was apologise for the name calling. I reminded him that it hadn’t been the first time, and although the saying goes “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” … they do hurt and they stick. He said he was feeling upset and frustrated and just couldn’t get his words out and resorted to name calling instead. The whole time we were talking, the tone in his voice was completely calm and I could see in his face that he hadn’t meant it. I made him promise to never ever resort to name calling again because not only is it lower than low, but that I do deserve better than that. He agreed and promised…

We talked about a lot – about why he’d said he felt he wasn’t the right man for me, whether he truly believed that – and also about some of the reasons why I was feeling cautious about our relationship. It’s too late at night to go into detail and this girl needs her sleep, but we did resolve a fair bit.

We talked about the argument on Saturday and neither of us really knew exactly why or how we ended up arguing in the first place! I was the first to suggest that actually … this time, maybe – with hindsight – it was my fault. Looking back with that wonderful hindsight, I think that I was possibly almost already anticipating a problem with me going out on Saturday night. When I don’t think I said or did anything consciously, but I know it was there. I suggested it to AP, and he said “I think I just fell in love with you even more!” He appreciated that I had come up with it as a possibility – even though it painted ME in a bad light.

AP said that if that was the case, he would have unconsciously fed off of it and reacted to it, which would have set off a chain of reactions, creating the awkward atmosphere until it went KABOOOOM!!!!

What both of us wanted from Saturday night was for me to be able to go out with the girls, then me come home and spend the night with him until I had to pick the kids up on Sunday morning. He stated absolutely matter of factly that he does not have a problem with me going out, and even asked me whether I’d trust him to look after the children for me at some point in the future! I don’t think he’s ready for it quite yet – he hasn’t spent enough time with them yet, but it was something that completely blew me out of the water and really surprised me. One of the big issues I’ve got with AP is how he doesn’t seem to involve himself in MY life as much as I am involved in his … I hadn’t even said anything about this to AP when he suggested him babysitting for me while I’m on a night out!

Before Saturday night – everything else between us had been going so well! I’d even posted about how everything was all soooo groooovy and terrific just before updating about how it had all gone horribly wrong! I don’t want to hang my relationship based on ONE argument that we figured out was down to a ridiculous lack of communication.

There’s more … but the upshot of it all is that I’m staying on my toes – just as I was trying to before, and I’m not looking at things through rose tinted specs. TW don’t worry, I’ve got my bollocks sorted xx

It all still doesn’t make sense …

Surprisingly enough I slept last night. I was in bed by 11.30pm, and even though I had pretty much spent the whole of Sunday on the sofa … I got a really good night’s sleep.

AP called me at 9.15am to apologise for last night, I let him know my son was home on an inset day — he asked me if I wanted to talk about us at all, and I said yes, but another time as I couldn’t talk then. We agreed to speak later and at that point I started ringing around garages and my insurance company to try to sort out my car key.

I had an interesting afternoon when TW and AP turned up on my doorstep within minutes of each other! TW was dropping off my camera (which LC had picked up and taken home with her) and AP gave me a copy of my workshop key that he’d had cut for me. AP said he’d just come to drop that off and didn’t stay… TW and I then basically spent an hour or so going over the details of Saturday night because there are a LOT of things that don’t make sense.

All six of us drank around about the same. I’d mixed my drinks, but so had AN and she wasn’t anywhere near as hammered as TW and I were. LC and KA had been drinking all afternoon and MW had a bottle of wine before going out – none of them had eaten a thing and were still “drunk but compus-mentus” at the end of the night. It was only TW and I that ended up completely hammered. We think our drinks were spiked. I can easily drink two bottles of wine to myself at home and still stagger up the stairs to bed. I may fall over a lot and walk into things, but I am still aware of what I am doing and I remember everything. TW and I worked out that we’d drunk about a bottle and a half of wine to two bottles each – no MORE than that and I did have a couple of vodkas as well at the very start of the evening.

But still … she and I ended up losing each other in town, TW walked home and I got a ride in a shiny police car back to TW’s place! I don’t remember that bit. Apparently TW’s boyfriend had to chase me up the road when I decided that I was going home (yeah, I wasn’t going anywhere in that state!!) then when I was back in the house I apparently fell out of the toilet onto the floor too!

Meanwhile, I rang AP after TW had left to thank him for dropping off the work key. He’s coming over later this evening to talk and he’s already said he loves me and misses me. I didn’t say it back … if we are going to talk, then we’re going to talk and there has to be a hell of a lot of talking before we can even think about starting anything up again. He said to me last night that he doesn’t think he can give me what I needs and that he doesn’t think he is the right man for me. It pains me to agree with him … it hurts – so much. I’ve loved this man for so many years and never quite been able to let go of him, but I also know that there is so much that just isn’t right and isn’t what I want or need. How we ended up just arguing out of the blue before I went out for one thing …

Car key update – I’ve found a mobile locksmith that can get to me tomorrow morning. It’s going to cost me £160 for two replacement keys, but thats MUCH cheaper than the £350 that I was quoted by a ford dealer and he can get over asap after the school run!

Monday …. what a bloody day and a half …

The night it all went SO wrong…

It was Girls Night last night, and what should have been a relaxing evening out for six friends turned into a nightmare. This is the short version because I am too tired / upset for more detail than plain bullet points right now.

• AP and I had an argument before I left to go out – apparently neither of us knew where the argument came from, but he did say it was my fault. I had to call TW to come and pick me up because I was in a bit of a state. During the argument he called me crazy and called me a psycho.
• Six of us met up for Girls Night and got totally hammered.
• My bag/keys/cards got stolen/disappeared with no trace.
• We got separated towards the end of the night – everybody ended up making their own way back home.
• EJ couldn’t make it – probably a good thing because goodness knows how she would have got home herself!
• I ended up getting taken to TW’s house by the police (have no recollection of this though) as I had no keys to get into my own house.
• Woke up early this morning on TW’s sofa, threw up several times (in the toilet!)
• TW told me she rang AP from my phone around 1.30 in the morning to let him know where I was and that I was safe. Lots of things were said between them and basically he hung up on her 2-3 times. AP had said to TW that I’d ended it last night – that was news to me – we’d just had a massive row and I’d asked him to leave so I could compose myself and get ready to go out with my friends.
• I’ve spent the day on the sofa in recovery. A post-mortem over the phone with TW leads us to believe we were spiked because we were so TOTALLY hammered and I can’t even remember being brought home to TW’s by the police?? TW can drink like a fish – she can drink more and eat less than she did last night and never not remembers!!
• AP and I have argued more over the phone tonight and HE was the one that actually turned around and said that he didn’t think he could give me what I felt I needed. He said he didn’t think he was the right guy for me. It shocked me … I’ve been completely stunned by the whole thing. I took this as him officially ending it.
• AP called back and told me that he couldn’t help thinking that this is all related to the end of the month because it seems to him that we are in a pattern and a cycle because we’ve had three nice weeks followed by a big row, and the last time we argued it was just after Christmas!
• I told him he was being utterly ridiculous and he said talking to me was like arguing with a 12 year old. I hung up on him.
• All in all he called back about 8 times before I switched my phone off.

There’s more – but that’s the basic facts. Not had any luck tracing my bag or my keys, so I now have more expense to get another car key cut … and walk the kids to school and back until I can sort it out… and try to recover in my head to make some sort of sense of what happened last night and try to figure out how the hell AP and I got to this point without either of us knowing how or why.

In my mind I think AP was convinced that we were going to have a row and almost possibly instigated one without even really trying to because he was worried that I’d go out drinking and that it would all be over. Strangely enough … that’s exactly the way it happened.

Anyway I don’t want to be up late. I’ve slept most of the day on and off, but still want to try to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Everything is groooovy!

It’s quite late and I have a couple of late nights ahead of me… so this is planned to only be a quick update (but you know what I am like when I get going! LOL)

AP and I have been getting on brilliantly. He stayed over last night – we had a few drinks and the pair of us were knackered and had a lovely evening just curled up together on the sofa, then we snuggled up together to fall asleep in bed. I’ve started to realise just how well he knows me, because when I was still so tired late morning today and he still had stuff to do (and he was definitely in the mood for some fun!), he wasn’t at all bothered that I wanted to just lay down and have a nap. He said he was bored, so I made a bit of a stroppy point of saying I didn’t want a nap anymore! He looked at me, said “right, you’re getting a hug…” then pushed me down gently on the sofa, and we snuggled up together until we BOTH fell asleep!

Basically I was snappy and grumpy this morning for no real reason other than I was just really tired! I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself too as I’ve gained weight, so my confidence was down combined with feeling tired, grouchy and just grrrrr! When I apologised for it a bit later, he just grinned, said he loved me and that is why he just let me get on with having my bit of a huff and a puff until I fell asleep!

Things are ALL good! I don’t feel like he is controlling me as much as I used to let him – I’M trying to relax myself too and bat my stupid insecurities away which means I feel happier and more confident in myself … and as a result I put my foot down with a firm hand more often!!

It is all go for Girls Night too … T minus two sleeps and counting!!!

The ONLY downside at the moment is that weight has managed to creep back on again. I know it’s down to eating too much fast food when I’m with AP … and snacking late at night. I get a reasonable amount of exercise in my normal daily life with the amount of housework and cleaning I do … but I’m overeating – and I’m back at the top end of the “normal” bracket. I neeeeed to be below the line in the middle of normal to be happy with my weight …

So the “watching what I eat” is beginning… but I promise to eat sensibly and not do anything stupid x

DNA tests & Jeremy Kyle!

A bit of a long rant … LOL

One thing I LOVE about TV shows like Jeremy Kyle, Maury, Trisha etc is that they show you how NOT to have a relationship! These people get on national TV and swear blind that person “A” is the father of the baby and that they are a million percent positive because they only had sex with that one person. They rant and rave about how he has been a “deadbeat dad” and not there for the baby, then the DNA test results come through and oooopsie he’s not the daddy and they are a big fat liar. The BEST ones though are when the woman is testing anywhere more than two people for DNA. I’ve seen some shows where a woman has got the seventeenth man to be tested for paternity of her child and it’s ridiculous! HOW can you sleep with that many people in such a short space of time???

AP originally laughed at me because of my addiction to these types of TV shows (I even sky plus them LOL) but he can see now how when you watch this sort of trashy crap, it truly makes you grateful for your own relatively “normal” life! TV shows like this always lead to long and in depth conversations about our relationship… and every single time… every single time I watch Jeremy Kyle or Maury Povitch, I am so fucking thankful that I have a man like AP!

The conversations that we have about the intrinsic part of our relationship are that it must be built on honesty, respect, trust and the ability to TALK to each other or you have to walk away. Love and friendship and a fantastic sex life are just a bonus, but you HAVE to have the others. I look at these sad pathetic excuses for people on the Jeremy Kyle show and I am damned glad that I got me a good man.

Just the way he speaks openly about his own opinions of these idiots on Jeremy Kyle (and apologies to any readers who have BEEN on Jeremy Kyle, but I’m sorry – you deserve the judgement!!) He will sit there and say things like “You can’t judge him for being a crap father if you knew he was an idiot when you met him. YOU were the one that opened your legs for him!” Ohh I could go on!

He spends a lot of time shouting at the TV (we both do at these frigging idiots!!) and we’ve joked about how an IQ test should be mandatory at the first midwife appointment for every single pregnancy. If the parents combined score is over a certain number then she is are sent off to be weighed, measured etc … and if they score below that level, then they should be sent the other way for an immediate D&C!

It opened up the natural conversation between us this morning about DNA testing. He has said to me right from the very start of our relationship that he would always want to insist on a DNA test of any child he is the alleged father of. In the very beginning it hurt me deeply that he would want even ME to get a test because surely he trusts ME? But … the more Jeremy Kyle I’ve seen, the more I am actually inclined to agree with him. I’ve thought about it a lot over the last 3.5 years that I’ve known AP (and longer since I’ve been watching Jeremy Kyle!) and I’ve come to realise that if a DNA test was mandatory at birth and recorded as part of the birth records, it would solve a HELL OF A LOT of problems. Even if they just start from current births from the date the law is passed and then offer it to births over the last 12 months, then the last 3-5 years etc to have the option of a DNA test to put on record with the birth information. Obviously there are issues then with absent fathers, adoption, fostering etc, but the basic idea would work, and with the volume of people signing up … it could probably be done cheaper too.

I told AP this morning that if we have kids, I would have absolutely no issue whatsoever with a DNA test.

He was a bit surprised totally stunned. He replied “you used to have a problem…” I said yes I definitely did USED to have a problem with him wanting a DNA test, but that I had realised it was no reflection on me and didn’t mean that he didn’t trust me. It was just for HIS own piece of mind. I knew this about him getting into the relationship, so I’ve had a long time to think seriously about it. I told him that my only condition is that it is done within the first 24 hours (assuming a problem free birth!) so that results could be back, he could put his name on the birth certificate happily, and we could all start to bond as a new family.

It is so very easy for a woman to lie and pin a pregnancy on a man who is NOT the child’s father, and before DNA testing was available … well, we’ve had the conversation about how we dread to think how many men are out there bringing up kids that they don’t realise aren’t biologically theirs. I know damned well that I am not going to be sleeping with any other men, but only *I* know that and all men have to take that on face value. With DNA testing so easily available, why wouldn’t they want to be 100% sure?!

If I find my eyes wandering then it means that something isn’t right in my relationship and as I proved when I tried and tried and tried with my marriage … I put the effort in where it counts to make it right, it was just that my husband didn’t. It took me three years, a few one night stands and an affair to really learn the full lesson, but when it gets that bad you have to walk away.

Our relationship is growing much stronger day by day. I’ve purposely started telling him if I’ve had a drink in the evening and we haven’t even talked about it beyond that really… it’s just something I have noticed. He doesn’t ever ask me how much I’ve drunk and I don’t feel the need to have to tell him! He knows I will only drink up to a point when I’ve got the children in the house (couple of glasses of wine or 2-3 vodkas) so that if the worst happens, I am still capable of being compus-mentus enough to call for an ambulance if I am not fit to drive! As I said … we haven’t even talked about it like that – he just seems to be happy enough that I’m being up front if I am having a drink at home. I have no reason NOT to tell him, and I’m happy to do that.

He’s giving me more leeway for just being my ditzy self who often occupies her spare thinking time in a glittery fairy land somewhere… so I sometimes miss what he has said or haven’t entirely been concentrating while he has been explaining something to me. Instead of him being pissy with me about not listening to him, he gets that sometimes I exist on a different plane of pinkness whether I’ve been smoking the wacky baccy or not! I just shoot him a goofy smile, tell him I love him, that I missed that last bit and could he repeat it? He grins back, pats me on the head and says he loves me too. Ohhh he gives me credit for my intelligence … don’t worry about that … but I think he really does actually get me.

In the past this would have been huge argument potential, but now it’s more of a passing conversation and that’s massive. Our relationship has definitely moved on a few notches over the last few weeks. He is a lot more relaxed and I am working at not looking at the negative but seeing the positive instead!

Today we actually even talked about how many children we’d both like to have, bearing in mind that I have two already. It turns out that we are both thinking around the 2-3 mark, but two would be good and that if we had a third (my fifth in total) it would depend on situation and financial circumstances! It was good to know that we were both on the same page there. I’d always assumed it, but it was great to sit down and talk about it. We talked about contraception … about how our current method (my pill – cerazette) seems to be working for us as we’ve been using it for a year and about how we’d both want to plan for a baby – hence the contraception! I was the one to mention that if an accident were to happen then it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but that both of my children were very much planned and I’d want to keep it that way.

It was really good to have that conversation … I know it helped me, and if it even helped him a little bit in the same way of thinking that yes – finally I’ve found a partner that thinks the same way I do and wants the same things from life that I do, then our relationship can only get stronger from here.

It’s partly why I don’t want to live with AP just yet and why I think working towards the idea of moving in together in a year is a good thing! I’m in love with the idea of living with him just now and I want to keep it that way. Besides, I still have a lot of self-stuff to work out before I am in a place where I want to be living with anybody other than my children! I currently have the best of both worlds because I get a great mix of time with my children, time alone with my boyfriend and also that little bit of space to myself in the evenings when AP doesn’t come over. I like it like that, so for right now that’s how it is going to stay!

I’m in a happy place! Don’t worry, I haven’t put my rose tinted specs back on or anything, but I am feeling very lucky to have what I have got, and firmly believe that I should carry on working hard to make sure that I keep my relationship, my family AND my independence all at a good and well balanced level because THAT is what makes me happy!

What would you do with 25K?

It’s a legitimate question…. Your girl Ness has found out that she will be getting 25k in a few months. Once I’d picked myself up off of the floor I started asking myself what on EARTH do I do with that money?!

A bit of background first then I’ll get to the point, I promise! My dad passed away just over six years ago now, and in that time my mother has redecorated her bungalow more times than I can remember! She has put “her stamp on it” so many times over, revamped the kitchen, gutted the now that she seriously cannot do any more to it! The upshot is that she is going to sell the house and downsize. She plans on moving closer to my sister (about 40 mins away) as house prices are cheaper and it makes sense for her to be close to one of us! Mum has been very conscious of selling “our family home” – the house that my sister and I grew up in, and a link to the memory of our Dad, but my sister and I back her all the way in that she shouldn’t sit on her assets if she can free up some equity and bloody well enjoy her life!

Sooo … Mum has been working hard redecorating (again) and is about two weeks away from being ready to put her house on the market. She told me this evening that she is looking to “gift” my sister and I around 25,000 each when the sale goes through. My sister and I have both told her to spend her money and enjoy her life regardless, but there is a reason she is doing it. Firstly she knows my sister and I could both do with the money, but also whatever is left of “the estate” when SHE dies will be subject to inheritance tax, so even though she has MANY years left in her yet … if she makes occasional “gifts” to us every seven years then there is some loophole or something that doesn’t affect it. I’m not totally “up” on the current law and she’ll be talking to her solicitor about the best way to do it with as little tax as possible!

Twenty Five Thousand Pounds in words or 25,000 in numbers. I don’t know which looks like more! I have had SO many doors and opportunities opened up to me that it is a little overwhelming! My head has been all over the place but I started to make a list.

What I need to do is think about how this money can help me short term as well as long term.

• PAY OFF ALL DEBTS – I am in a pretty big financial hole and this cash could pay off absolutely every single debt that I have! I could pay off my small business loan, pay my back-owed rent to my landlord on my business premises, pay off the council rates debt … everything! I’d have nothing left from it and nothing tangible to show for it … but I would be completely starting from scratch and be able to begin salvaging my credit rating for the future.
• PUT IT IN THE BANK – If I invest it in a high interest / no access account like an ISA or savings bond for 12 months, it can earn me some interest without me doing a single thing. I won’t necessarily get the best rate of interest, but it is a SAFE bet and a guaranteed income in a years time.
• WAIT A YEAR AND BUY A HOUSE – Do as above and put it in the bank for a year, THEN either get a mortgage together with AP so we’d have 50k to put down as a deposit and be able to get a better house together…. or if we are not together (which I hope we will be!) then I’ll be in a better position to buy somewhere by myself.
• BUY BUSINESS PREMISES - I could use the cash to buy a workshop for the business and own it outright. There are small industrial workshops available for that amount and it would mean that no matter what — I would always have a place to work that was mine.
• Or one of a million other ideas floating around my head tonight!

Then I got to thinking … how does that famous piece of advice go? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! It’s a famous piece of advice for a reason!

I’m also thinking about splitting it into three (not necessarily equal) bits and keep the words PAY, BUY and INVEST in mind. I am thinking that if I PAY off one of my biggest debts entirely then it makes my current situation better and helps towards the future too with less outlay on an on-going basis. If I also BUY something tangible then I have something to show for the money, like a new car (just for example), and then with whatever is left, INVEST it in something like stocks or shares, gold, a company … Ugh I don’t even know what yet – it’s just a thought, but it would have to be something to “grow” the rest of the money over a period of time. 

There are SO many options! It is a very good thing that Mum’s house isn’t even on the market yet because I have plenty of time to think sensibly and get as much advice as possible. This won’t even happen for a MINIMUM 3-4 months and that is if the house sells right away!! Plenty of time to think!!

Am interested to know what YOU would do with 25k?

Happiness, Balance and a Birthday!

It was AP’s birthday on Friday and I’d rearranged things with my ex so that AP and I could spend two nights in a row together on a weekend where I should have had the kids …. and wake up together with AP on his birthday. I’m a huge fan of birthdays and if I’m involved in your life then you will have no choice but to celebrate it at some point! I kept telling him it is to celebrate the day that he arrived on the planet, and if he hadn’t arrived on the planet on that particular day, then fate would have been different and we may not have met!

AP has always been a bit “bah humbug” about birthdays – especially his … but I think he is starting to realise that he has no choice about celebrating when I am around! Birthdays don’t have to be about going out, or a having big party (although there should always be cake!!) but just about spending as much of the day as possible, doing the things that you want  to do and being spoiled by the ones that love you!

We spent the night together Thursday night – the night before his birthday and we had a really fantastic evening. We were relaxed, chatting and happy, and the atmosphere was brilliant. We were up till really late chatting and laughing. AP especially kept laughing at me because I’d got a big bag of gifts for him (and I mean a really big bag!!) and I really really wanted him to open some of them early! If I’d had my way he’d have opened them all as soon as the clock struck midnight!

I don’t think AP is used to anyone quite like me! It wasn’t about spending a large amount of money or giving him a huge stack of gifts to impress him … I said to him the trouble I had was STOPPING when it came to buying him gifts!! He’s a very complicated man, but a man I know so very well and that makes him so incredibly easy to buy for! 

I bought him … a bottle of his favourite rum, a warm winter hat (from one of his fave clothing brands) a CD album of a band that we discovered together, the latest CD from his favourite artist, a comedy DVD that he’d mentioned he would love to watch with me, a DVD box set with series 1-6 of one of his favourite TV shows, a laminated map from his birth country, some “nice/sexy” underwear” for HIM (Calvin Klein boxers and some jockstraps!) and a couple of boxes of his favourite cereal! The ceral may sound like a weird gift, but you can’t get it in this country and have to import it!! I probably spent around £150 on him, but I’ve been collecting bits and pieces for SO long! Like I said – I find him so very easy to buy for!

I also made him a gift! It didn’t 100% work out as planned as there were a couple of “issues” with the finished project! Being the perfectionist that I am, I had to re-do it like eleventy hundred times (okay seven!!) …. and when it got to 2.30am on the night before I’d see him before his birthday, I knew I had to call it quits!!

I don’t know if any “non perfectionists” realise just how hard it is to walk away from a project that isn’t finished PURELY because you know you need to be up in four hours and that you will spend at least the first hour of any time in bed going over and over things in your head and chances are you’ll have that flash of inspiration or just that one stroke of genius that you’ve been waiting for!! The creative mind is a very hard thing to fight against!

I made him a CD of “our music” spanning the last 3.5 years since we’ve known each other, and when you have that much musical history combined with 80 minutes (or around 18-20 tracks depending on length) to play with … then it gets VERY hard to narrow down your choices! I started off the album with a track that I remembered specifically from his birthday the first year we were together. I had booked us both in for a full body massage and only told him exactly what he was getting the night before! This goes back to January 2007 and I remember saying I would drive us there too. I had just started the engine when he had to leap out of the car and get a CD album that he was just really in the mood to listen to … and the first track is my favourite track from that album. He got it straight away – he knew exactly the memory I was talking about!

Anyway – he loved everything and he had a terrific day but **I** had a terrific day too! He found it sooo funny, sweet and sexy that I was more excited about his birthday than he was! We’ve also talked about how we’d both noticed the effort that the other has been putting in – and given each other kudos for it. Not that his birthday was an effort LOL it just seemed a good time to bring it up in my blog! I’ve almost “baited him” by letting him know I was having a drink at home if we were chatting over MSN, by openly discussing plans for Girls Night, or by being prepared to drop everything for a friend the other day. In a past version of my relationship, all of the above would have lit a fuse for him. I have purposely not done the “Yes AP, No AP, Three bags full AP” that EJ, TW and LC have all spotted I sometimes/used to do when I was on the phone to him. I’d alter my plans to suit his and without a second thought because I hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings!!

I know, I know … fuck HIS feelings and concentrate on my own! When you love somebody that deeply though … their feelings ARE your own!

The truth is though … AP has relaxed and chilled out SO much recently and we had a conversation about how we haven’t actually had a row since the start of the year… and how fantastic that was! The truth is because the pair of us are finally doing the whole give-and-take stuff in equal sides … neither of us is particularly bugged by anything right now! Funny how that works sometimes!

AP has totally backed off from the subject of Girls Night next week too! I am really hoping it will still happen with the way “real life” kicks you in the ass sometimes! EJ is going through all kinds of personal hell right now, and even if she IS in the mood for a night out next Saturday … her circumstances have changed significantly, so a built in babysitter is not an option. TW is going to be helping her poorly 15 year old niece recover after surgery to have her appendix out and won’t be able to get out for too long or go too far … all things that have happened in what feels like the blink of an eye!

It is important to me to have my best friends all together! I forget whether it was LC or TW that suggested it initially, but this has been the best idea since the first clever sod who thought to have a glass of wine with some chocolate and a good book while relaxing in a bubble bath. It has been too long … not just since the 4 if us got together (my birthday in JULY last year!!) but also since most of us had a relaxing night out with the girls.

I’m hoping and praying that we can still sort it … that EJ can find a babysitter (his mum maybe?) and we can all have one evening where we just chill the fuck out and relax!

Okay I’m tired … this is what happens when you are up until stupid o’clock in the morning because your boyfriend is doing rather wonderful, rude things to you! It means the next night you really need to catch up on some shut eye!!