Hmmmmmmmm

AP was supposed to have been up early today to go to the GU clinic. Last week he was told he needs to go back weekly for 6-8 weeks, but I knew he wouldn’t go today. I called him at 8.20am and the first thing he said was that he wasn’t going to go. I could hear in his voice he was half asleep and tired, but so what?! LOL I still had to get up for the school run, and when I’d dropped the kids off, *I* didn’t go back to bed … I’ve come home to wait for a delivery that I need for work, and I’m sat here printing invoices, charging credit cards, replying to customer emails and printing labels. I would have loved to curl up for a nap …

I’m pissed off. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, I don’t begrudge him a nap and I’d damned well do the same if I had the opportunity … but I have to admit it DOES make me feel resentful of him when he cancels doing other things to sleep instead! It’s what happened over the weekend.

I simply told him fine, I needed to get off the phone as I had to finish getting the kids ready and I said to him to call me when he was up.

It’s almost 11am and my delivery isn’t here yet… AP hasn’t called yet either.

Forgot to say …

Last night AP asked me if I’d had a drink, commented on an empty bottle on my shelf and said he could smell alcohol in the air… forgot to add that at the end of my post. There was so much I didn’t write last night as I was/am so tired. I just want to sleep!!

You’d have been proud of me!!

I’M proud of me. I just handled a situation with the most control over my emotions that I think I have ever had! TW told me this morning that I needed to grow myself a pair of bollocks to stop being such a jibbering emotional wreck and we joked about borrowing a couple of shiny balls from the Christmas tree. I think it worked.

I had a call from AP about 4pm … the upshot of it is that after lots of shouting and several hang-ups (both of us) I called him and asked him to come over tonight once the kids were in bed so we could talk. He immediately got on the defensive and said “Right, gotcha. I see” and pretty much assumed that he was coming over to get dumped! I said no – I’m asking you over to talk! At the end of the day I do love him so very much. I love him more than I have ever loved anybody … and IF it is over then I want to make damned sure that I know I’ve given it everything I possibly can. That means I want to talk about it and see if there actually is anything worth salvaging after it has been picked to pieces by the pair of us over arguments! I need to be able to tell him the stuff he has done that has pissed me off and give him the opportunity to list the same about me. There is apparently quite a bit but that’s another story I’ll get to in a minute.

He said on the phone that he feels like I set him up to have a go at him and this is the second day in a row that he’s said it. That somehow I am looking for ways to let rip at him and I can’t for the life of me understand why on earth he would think that. It is about as far from the truth as my head is from my toes (ie as far as it can get!!) I don’t get it … he couldn’t/wouldn’t explain it either. I can’t see how anybody would actually WANT to create an argument with the one they love, just to have a chance of scoring a point in a game of one-up-man-ship. Oooooh is that it? Did I hit the nail on the head (or my head with the nail as I feel more like doing!)

Aaaaaanyway, he got here just after 9pm and left just before 1am. Most of it was spent in awkward silence. There were points where he was sitting there not saying anything but getting more and more wound up by whatever it was going around in his brain. I asked him what he meant about me looking to pick fights to have a go at him, but all he could really say was that if he told me, I would over-react and bite his head off. I wasn’t even given a chance to actually make that decision for myself. I was told how I was likely to react.

I *didn’t* dump him, but I have to admit I came close. It started getting late … he was still in a refusal/denial/fuck-knows-what mood about actually talking to me and I asked him if we could continue the conversation tomorrow. He looked at me and his exact words were (I’m not normally good at this game, but in this case I remember verbatim) “To be honest I don’t know if I can be bothered.”

I KNEW he hadn’t meant it as in he couldn’t be bothered with the relationship and I didn’t even bat an eyelid while he was struggling to get the words out to reassure me that was not what he’d meant. Chill out AP, I knew that and hadn’t taken it that way. ::::: Note to self and world about how AP got his words mixed up / wrong order / hadn’t quite meant what had come out the way that it came out ::::: SEEEEE I hadn’t even realised it until I started typing it. I was still pissy that he’d said it even with the way he had meant it though … in other words he’s tired of arguing with me and just wants to avoid talking about the reasons that we are pissed off with each other.

All well and good if you live in a bubble, but I know AP HATES bubble life! It’s where you are so engrossed in your own little world that you don’t even see that the world has stopped spinning and everyone else fell off while you weren’t looking. My entire marriage was a bubble and I don’t want to live in one again! I am also not prepared to simply let something as huge and important as this just drop without at least skimming the surface of a conversation about WHAT-THE-FUCK-PLANET-ARE-YOU-ON!? If he has valid reasons and there are things that I do that majorly piss him off … then I want to know!!

I made a comment about “this is nonsense” and immediately AP jumped to the conclusion that I was calling HIM nonsense and went into defensive mode. I had to go over what I said until I knew he understood that I was referring to “the situation” being nonsense as in the atmosphere between the two of us (that I am at least half responsible for!) There’s one again – he thought I was having a go at him and he jumped on it without listening to what I said.

He’s holding back and not talking again – it drives me crazy because how can I possibly respond to something if I don’t know what it is? He made a point of saying how he has never once NOT told me what was on his mind … I added “eventually” because it’s taken days before until he’s been able to talk to me about something.

One thing he DID say … 

He was pissy that I’d told him not to come down to the workshop today because of how we’d promised ourselves that “us” wouldn’t get in the way of work if things did get bad between us. I told him that he knew TW could only help me out until midday, so he could easily have gone down to work after that. I said that I needed to just get down there and crack on with work and he said “yes, exactly” …. apparently by needing space from my boyfriend after a major argument, it means that he is useless to help at work, that he slows me down and that nothing he has done has been helpful or worthy!

Anyway, we ARE going to talk tomorrow …

I know that I have really put a lot of effort into the little things in our relationship. I have been leaving him post-its every now and again with goofy messages on … it’s not something I’ve ever done before, but I read something online about this guy who really appreciated how his wife would slip a note into his briefcase every morning before he went to work. It meant that when he sat there at his desk to pull out his files for the day, he’d be reminded his wife loved him and it would put a smile on his face. I thought what an utterly romantic thing to do … so I started doing it.

 I just worked out as well (thanks to my blog) that my mega period from hell is coming only two weeks after my last one. Should I be worried? I think it’s a stress thing personally.

Thank Glitter for great friends to do relationships post-mortems with xx Okay am hitting the sack at 2.30am – must stop these late nights!

Brain tired, head not working…

It was around 2.30am by the time I went up to bed and I didn’t sleep well at all. Hardly surprising really. I’m about to go and pick the kids up from school and I haven’t spoken to AP all day. My good friend TW came down to the workshop this morning to help me play catch up … and basically to be my venting and listening post.

TW told me in no uncertain terms that I’ve lost my sparkle … She hadn’t really needed to tell me – I’ve needed to re-fill my glitter for a while time now, but I seem to have mislaid it. Can’t find it anywhere … TW isn’t the only one – I got home and had EJ in a chat window saying the same thing, I’m sure LC will say the same when she reads this or catches up with me on the phone … and then Lizzie’s comment on last night’s post that I read as soon as I got through the door.

I forgot to add at the end of my post last night … at the point the call ended between AP and I, it was when I said “hang on” because I thought I heard one of the kids upstairs. I put the headset back on (chatting over MSN) and he said “did I just hear the fridge?”

He thought he heard the fridge … as in thought i went to get another drink instead of checking the noise upstairs. FFS …. even if I HAD gone to the fridge, he wouldn’t have been able to hear it through the lounge, hallway and into the kitchen over a headset and MSN link!! That was the point I hung up – gave up pretty much too. My explanations never seem to be enough.

I’m almost glad he hasn’t called or texted me … I don’t exactly know what I would say to him right now anyway … Have a few errands to run after school – so we’ll see what the afternoon brings.

Worse than the day from HELL

What a FUCKING DAY. I am so glad it’s over. It’s going to be long so get comfy ………….

I have worked my proverbial backside off today!!! It’s my weekend to have the kids, and on a Sunday where they were meant to be with me, I dropped the kids off to my ex at midday and he kept them till 7.30pm … and ohhh did I work!! From the minute I got there until the minute I turned off the lights and locked the door, I was in full work mode.

I was also stressed from the minute I woke up today. I have more orders than there is actually room to pin up in my workroom! There are four walls in there … PLENTY of room and yet the walls are covered with order print-outs and I STILL have a pile *literally* an inch thick from over the weekend that I still have yet to get through! Is it bedlam? Nooo it’s just pre-Christmas!!

I won’t post publicly about what I do for a living, but I am involved in the gift trade, so this time of year is manic. I am already so incredibly grateful that so many repeat customers have come back to me despite the fact that I was offline last year when my marriage broke up. There was just no way I could face it. I have recognised so many familiar names since the site went back online around August this year and it’ s huge! I’ve had so many phone calls and emails that have made my head expand about how terrific my stuff is, and how there is *nothing* else on the market like it. It’s ego boosting, it really is. Customers even know that it does tend to take a while for their stuff to get delivered – but the QUALITY keeps them coming back. I’m damned fucking good at what I do!

I haven’t yet closed off my website to Christmas deadlines though … I’ve been running a few days behind because of the time I’ve taken off to be all indulgent with AP. I am not sorry about the time off and have no regrets! It was worth it because we had needed it!! HOWEVER … it did mean that AP and I were both behind with our work stuff. I have spent way too much time being indulgent and today was purely about catching up. Today was a “bonus day” that I hadn’t expected and I literally worked until I ran out of supplies!! If I’d had more supplies I would have worked longer! Needless to say tomorrow is going to involve a 2.5  hour round trip to get more supplies because I can’t take the chance that it won’t arrive in the post!!

I am having the period from hell which doesn’t help. I am bloated (probably why I was feeling fat and crappy last night) and just a teensy bit emotional. Plus I’ve run out of happy pills (a week ago) and haven’t had a chance to get to the doctor.

AP didn’t get down to the workshop for 9am like he’d planned to. I knew he wouldn’t though – what did I say in my last post? I woke up at 10am with my daughter in my bedroom and I started to berate her for waking me up until I realised she’d brought me up a cup of coffee in my favourite over-sized morning coffee mug. It’s all about the right mug in the morning – trust me! The first thing I did was ring AP as soon as my eyes were functioning — and he was awake. It was a bit of a surprise … I’d expected him to be asleep otherwise why didn’t he call me when he was awake?

He said he’d got an email back from the woman in the country he was born in. He lived there till he was 9 years old and he’d spent the morning reading/replying to the email and looking into some links she’d sent him. I was really glad to know that this couldn’t have waited until later on in the day – or at least until after phoning his girlfriend to let her know he hadn’t been able to get down there for 9am … especially considering he’d said he was going to go to my workshop yesterday to help me out by clearing down the last batch and setting up for a new batch… which he didn’t do because he spent 3 hours writing an email and then he was cold .. and was going to go in early this morning instead!

Do I sound a little bitter there?

Work went really really well. REALLY well. AP got there a few minutes before I did and from the off I let him know I’d had a really stressy morning, that my son had played up, my shower wasn’t working and I was having the period from hell too. I mentioned a pack of cigarettes I’d left at his on Friday and asked him if he’d brought them down with him. He said they were probably smoked and long gone (we smoke the same brand but I always leave the bottom clear wrap on mine and he takes it all off so we know whose are whose anyway). It wasn’t a huge deal as we’re talking a couple of pounds in value, but I was a bit bugged by the way he nonchalantly shrugged it off. I said to him that it was just over a third of a pack at the same time he was telling me it was less than half a pack anyway and that if it was such a big problem he’d replace them. I wasn’t looking for them to be replaced … just after he went so berziequack (it’s a new word for you guys – a “Nessism” meaning mad or crazy) in the middle an argument a few weeks ago about something unrelated… I’d run out of smokes and I took a cigarette out of his packet at the same time as saying “I’m pinching a cigarette.” Apparently I should have asked *first* … I’ve been a little wary around cigarettes since then and always make sure that if he’s out of his or can’t find his, I’ll give him one of mine. It’s just a tiny frigging cigarette ffs!

After I’d mentioned it today, he actually had a go at me for looking for things to have a go at him about!! It felt like me asking him about my pack of cigarettes was somehow offensive and meant I wanted an argument?? He stormed off .. I went back into my work room and just got on with it instead of going in to help him with his stuff! It’s not like I don’t have enough to do of my own!!

It was a bit very uncomfortable between us … but I just cracked on with what I had to do because I had a LOT to do … and I had a bloody good productive day for it too! It takes my stuff an hour before it’s ready to use, and usually in that hour I would help AP with whatever else he needed to do, but after that comment, I just concentrated on getting my own orders prepped, and getting things straight ready to start working as soon as it was all ready. AP just got on with it – I assume …

He never did apologise, but asked for a kiss a little while later and I did melt into his arms and kiss him because it just felt like a big weight off, but something felt weird and odd at the same time … almost like I was trying too much to feel like normal and it didn’t feel like normal. It felt like he was distant with me all day and I guess I was distant in return.

I picked the kids up late from my ex, but he was fine – about it. He had fed them dinner and they went to bed with no real argument or issue, but after they had gone to bed, I thought to myself damnit I deserve a glass or two of wine… and honestly what is wrong with that? I am inviting comment here. PLEASE POST IN REPLY even if it is anonymously and use a fake email address! If you’ve had a shitty day at work and have had the day from hell, would you feel bad about having a couple of glasses of wine in the evening once the kids are in bed? Even more so … would it make you feel like a dreadful person if you got to the point where you were feeling a little squiffy? Heaven forbit what if you polished off a whole bottle of wine to yourself?!?!?!

Would this make you an alcoholic or a bad person or in any way not worthy??? Fuck off no … of course it wouldn’t!

It’s not often that I invite comment, but this is one of those times!

After the last issue with AP and the way I lied to him about drinking the bottle of wine that was leftover from the other night … I decided to be completely honest, so before he asked me … I told him I’d decided to drink the Chardonnay that was left in the fridge and that I’d had a glass and a half. I even told him they were big glass-fuls so I wasn’t lying or trying to hide anything.

He got weird with me and I knew it … I felt it happen as soon as the word ALCOHOL was out of my mouth. He said to me that he felt uncomfortable but didn’t know why. I knew damned well it was because I’d had a drink. He wouldn’t even say it though, he just said he didn’t know why he felt that way. It took prodding before he admitted it.

I WASN’T EVEN DRUNK!! Not even anywhere remotely close to it.

I’ve realised AP is the one who has the problem with alcohol – not me. I am not his alcoholic father who abandoned his mother while she was pregnant and then abandoned him over a couple of telephone calls. I am also not his ex who used to drink and beat the crap out of him. I am ME … and ME likes to relax with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening.

I ask you again … is that wrong? AP and I drink together – so it’s not like he is anti-alcohol in general.

He said to me tonight that there were just too many lies associated with me and drinking. There are only a couple that I can think of where I have knowingly lied to him. One was recently over the bottle I replaced … and the other was about 7-8 months ago just after I’d spilled the “I love you” beans to AP and felt that he wasn’t feeling it in return. At this point I’d got friendly with a woman called JH … and it’s a long story but basically there was a Girls Night when I talked to some good friends about the way I thought that AP honestly didn’t feel the same. AP and I had been due to spend the night together and after spilling the “I don’t think he loves me” beans to him a week or so beforehand … I’d not felt it back from him. After speaking to a close friend EJ that night and chatting to JH as well, I had decided that maybe a night apart without my kids would be a good thing and I was going to stay at JH’s for the night.

JH took my phone from me and was already calling AP by the time I realised what she was doing. She created this elaborate lie over the phone to AP and EJ literally had to pin me down and stick her hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming because I knew damned well that AP would never believe it. Point is – I allowed myself to get caught up in the lie. I could have called him back and told him it was bullshit, but I chose to let the lie play out. It was a couple of weeks before I admitted the truth to him, but I did confess the truth without being asked and I told him exactly why I had felt at the time that I had to go along with the lie.

He does however (or did) credit me with the fact that I told him the truth about that.  I just openly told him one evening that the whole “JH night” (as it is now referred to) was bullshit and that I’d got caught up in a web of someone else’s lies.

AP doesn’t like it when I drink. He asked me over the phone if he could ask me a question … I said yes of course, and he asked me why I felt the need to drink by myself.

Why do I feel the need? It’s not a need! It’s because I fancy it! Tonight – a Sunday evening after a stressy weekend I decided to have a couple of glasses left out of the bottle in the fridge after my kids had gone to bed. Occasionally I get a bit carried away and realise I’ve had more than I thought and I wobble my way up to bed … but jeeeeeez what is honestly wrong with that considering most of the time it is just a couple of glasses and not exactly every night!? I am a grown adult!

Why do I have a drink by myself in the evening sometimes? Should I even have to answer that?

• I fancy relaxing in the bath or in front of the TV with a glass of something alcoholic.
• It’s been a stressful day and I just want to take the edge off.
• I am wound up and know I won’t sleep, so a glass or two of wine helps me to relax and fall asleep.
• Because I am a grown adult well over the age of 18 and I just damned well want to!

I feel like I have to answer to AP about my drinking because of our past history and it shouldn’t be like that. I told him I felt like I was being questioned and he went nuts, told me that I was the one who said that when all he did was ask me one question.

Bottom line … I just don’t feel good feel like a piece of crap and I don’t know what I did wrong tonight.

I was wrong to have got carried away with JH’s lie and I should have told him the truth, but I really and truly felt like he didn’t actually really love me after I’d said “I love you” for the first time! My head was mixed up and I had a couple of girlfriends who were listening to me combined with too many glasses of vino.

I was also wrong to have lied to him the other night when he asked me if it was the same bottle of wine and I said yes it was – despite knowing I’d drunk it (over the course of 3 evenings) and replaced it. The simple fact that he felt the need to test me by marking the bottle speaks volumes about how little this man trusts me. Is it such a big deal that I drank a bottle of wine and replaced it a week later? I paid for the bottle in the first place!! It was MY wine in MY fridge to do with as I pleased!!

It really pisses me off that he tested me like that. It was almost as if he set me up to lie to him … and yes, he is capable of being that clever. Why else would he have marked the bottle in the first place?

I know it hardly helps with trust when I’ve lied to him… but I honestly think that he thinks I am sat here pissed and chatting to men online. In fact I know it because he’s asked me before. When we had the last argument over alcohol he reckoned I was sat here talking to my friend EJ and drinking with her while chatting on MSN. I replied seriously … seriously … the woman has just given birth to her seventh child – she has way better things to do (like sleeping!!!) past a certain time and that I rarely chat to her beyond about 9pm in the evenings because she is knackered – and rightly so!

If I am not talking to her, then who am I talking to? Errr well AP most of the time YOU! We voice chat over MSN or talk on the phone from the point my kids are in bed for most of the evening…. and if we’re not online voice chatting then it’s because one or the other of us has said we’re knackered and want to curl up and watch TV. I have NO interest in other men - none whatsoever! Naked men could be sat here in my front room right now and I wouldn’t even be looking because when I am in a relationship – that is it! I give it my all. If this isn’t going to work … which is how I am feeling right now … then I just want to be single for a very very long time.

WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO BE SO FUCKING DEFENSIVE???

Your thoughts?

I’ve got too fat

I hate being this size. I’ve gained weight and I hate it. I’ve got clothes from my “skinny wardrobe” that are too tight now and I can see rolls of fat on my stomach when I sit down.

I started watching a film and the women in it were all so slim and beautiful … what man wouldn’t rather look at a woman with a tight, firm body than mine with its saggy breasts, stretch marks, wobbly stomach and orange-peel legs.

I need to concentrate on losing weight again – give myself that focus back again because I am feeling really miserable at the moment … and I was definitely happier when I was in control of food and my weight.

It’s all back to normal …

Things seem to be more than okay between AP and I now. On Friday morning we were both all motivated to get into work early, but when I got to his place to pick him up … we had a really nice cuddle up on the sofa, and knowing I had to leave early to go to my son’s school Christmas play we were meant to be out of the house after a quick cuppa and snuggle … but ended up spending the morning together just curled up and talking … about work, money, ways to ramp up my business. After a really nice snuggle up, we started kissing which led to more kissing … and then the afternoon – well, I never made it to work …

I don’t think he blames me too much for lying to him about the fact I’d had a drink out of that bottle … at the very least I think he understands why it happened. I just wish I’d been honest with him in the first place instead of just assuming what his reaction would be. Lying to him about having a drink was stupid. It’s made me feel very weird about alcohol in general though, and I almost don’t know where to go with that on my thinking.

I haven’t seen him today (Saturday) I’ve got the kids with me this weekend and AP had said he would go down to my workshop set up for me with the mammoth session I’m going to have tomorrow when my ex takes the kids for a couple of hours so I can catch up on work … but he didn’t get down there – not even to do his own stuff. He said he went back to sleep this morning, then spent 3 hours writing an email, then was too cold so he snuggled up on the sofa under his duvet with his dog … and fell asleep again.

Is it okay to be miffed with him? He said he’ll get down there for 9am or as early as possible tomorrow (Sunday) and plans to have his stuff done by the time I get there at midday so we can get started on mine straight away. I’ve got SO much to do … Every order that has been delayed for whatever reason HAS to be finished tomorrow ready to post on Monday. I spent my day today running errands with the children in tow so that I can spend every minute they are at school next week working without my errands interrupting “our time” … and I’ve spent my Saturday evening working on invoices, paperwork, labels and fighting with the printer!!

I think I’m just feeling jealous because he spent most of his day napping instead of working and I would have killed for a nap this afternoon.

48 hour catch up and oh fuck

Get comfy! This is a catch up from Tuesday morning through Thursday evening and ohhhhhhh I have a lot to get off my chest! So much has happened over the last 48 hours and I guess the beginning is a good place to start!

Tuesday morning, AP was outside my house for just after I got back from the school run so that we could get down to the GU clinic and get his warts blasted with nitrogen again asap after 9am. That all went really well … as it was a repeat treatment, there was no waiting around and he was seen within 20 minutes. Most impressed! We were out of there in time to grab breakfast from McDonalds and headed back to his place so we could eat, pick up his dog and get down to work. AP was impressed too – the male nurse that treated him this time was really helpful and gave him extra advice like salt water bathing twice a day and that if he goes back once a week for 6-8 weeks it will be totally treated and gone completely. The male nurse also told him that if he ever changes his girlfriend in the future, then he should be honest up front about having had the infection as once it is gone completely, it will lay dormant in him.

AP added straight away – “not that I plan on changing my girlfriend for a good few decades yet!” … I kinda took umbridge to that a little bit because – as I said to him, I don’t plan on changing my boyfriend full stop!” I could see it / hear it / feel it / sense it … this could possibly lead to a huge argument over absolutely nothing!! He tried to explain that you just never knew what was around the corner and that he had said a good few decades … indicating at least 40 odd years when the pair of us are too old to give a crap anyway! I just felt that for me … it wouldn’t have even been an issue – because when I fell in love with him, it was because I could picture us old together! We managed to successfully circumnavigate our way around not having an argument over something a nurse said that was actually good advice, but still it did bug me a little that he adds the “you don’t know what might happen” caveat to it. I agree with him! We don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but because we’ve talked about growing old together and because I love the picture that I have of our dream retirement in 30-40 years … then hell I’m going to damned well assume that THIS IS my future and not even waste time thinking about the fact that it may not last. Life is too short.

I’d had a text from my friend EJ while we were in the car on the way to the clinic asking me if I could babysit for her in the morning for about an hour while she goes to a school nativity play for her older kids. AP was driving at the time and I had half worried about what his reaction would be – knowing how much work the pair of us have to do and dreading him saying that he thought I shouldn’t help her out, but at the same time if a friend needs me then I will well be there for here if I can! I told AP about the text and told him I’d be back and ready for work by about 10.30-11.45am at the latest, which is around the time the pair of us head down there if we have breakfast together in the morning anyway.

Aaaaaaaaanyway fastforward to a text that I sent EJ when I got back to AP’s place where I typed out “LOL xx love you too” in reply to a sarcastic comment that EJ had written about getting AP all broody! He saw what I was texting and straight away I could tell on his face that something was bugging him. I asked him and he said “It’s just a bit weird that you would put I love you at the end of a text to a friend.”

I was a bit gobsmacked by his reation because I have always been very affectionate with my female friends in that way. I deleted the “love you too” from the end of my text to EJ and just sent “LOL xx” I’ve always called my girlfriends things like “darling, babe, sweetie and hun” etc as an affectionate term. It’s a totally non-sexual and very platonic thing though, and I said “I love you” to my best friends – because I do! It is the reason that they are my girlfriends – all four of them are “3am in the morning people” … meaning that if it really came down to it and I needed someone to be there for me at a stupid hour of the night or morning, then I know damned well that I could count on any of them dropping everything (if they could – bearing in mind they all have children too!) … to be there for me.

AP ended up getting really wound up and upset. He said himself that he could feel he was getting annoyed and he reminded me of a conversation that we’d had about him hating the use of the “I love you” as a habit when hanging up the phone… and I’ve told him too that I simply don’t say it if I don’t mean it! My ex and I had stopped saying those three words to each other long before I actually realised it had happened. I just don’t say it if I don’t feel it … or I circumnavigate a way around saying “I love you too”

We had a huge massive argument about it and I ended up in floods of tears because we were actually arguing not just about something silly and ridiculous … but about something that didn’t even happen!!! He was sat there saying that he didn’t expect me to stop saying “I love you” to my friends, just to not say it to him when I didn’t mean it …. which is something I don’t do anyway! I tried to say that he was having a go at me for something I wasn’t even doing, but I couldn’t get the words out between the tears!

I absolutely refuse point blank to change who I am around my friends, and damnit I do love LC, TW and EJ (my three bestest girlfriends) because …. well, because I do! For so many different reasons and over such a long time span now … all three of them have really and truly been there for me. It shocked me – the whole thing shocked me and I completely broke down. AP left the room for a bit, then came back in, asked me for a hug and said he was sorry.

AP is a very very complex man. We almost split up … actually no almost – we did split up after I’d spilled the “I love you” beans because although he’d said it back to me - I hadn’t truly felt it from him. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel the love … I didn’t feel it behind the words when he said he loved me too. I was wrong – I’d mis-read everything and not given him credit for being fucking scared and we almost lost each other because of it. I know the words are important to him and I love him for it. I know damned well that because the words ARE so important, he just isn’t going to say them if he doesn’t mean them either!

Thankfully we very successfully worked our way through this and within 15 minutes we’d talked, were hugging and everything was okay again! This is a major record for us to resolve a pointless argument and I even told AP we should be proud of ourselves!

**************************************************

Okay moving on to Wednesday and our usual weekly night together. This did not exactly go as planned and it was my fault because I told AP a stupid stupid lie. The last time we spent the night together at my place we had 3/4 of a bottle of wine left that I put in the fridge, but I drank most of it over the course of three or four days during the last week. I just had a couple of glasses of wine in the early evening because I was feeling a bit festive with Christmas as my tree is up and it looks fabulous!! I’d started wrapping pressies to put under the tree and had a couple of glasses so I was at that “slightly-happy-not-quite-tipsy-but-feeling-a-bit-merry” stage and ultimately this was while the kids were around anyway (none of the pressies I wrapped were for them!!) and actually getting drunk was the farthest thought from my mind. I replaced the bottle, finished off the final part of the last one and opened up the new bottle to fill up my glass. At the time I wasn’t consciously thinking “I am going to hide this from AP and lie to him about it” I would have paid more attention to the volume in the bottle.

AP asked me outright – “this doesn’t look like the same bottle. Did you drink it and replace it?”

I said no. I don’t even know why I lied and as I told him … the only reason I can think of is that I know I was drinking too much at one point and because of my history with alcohol – I hid it because I didn’t want him to have a go at me. Of course that was wrong too though because I allowed myself to assume how he would react to something without giving him a chance to actually have a reaction. It was wrong of me and I did apologise to him and tell him I’d lied and that yes, I’d drank the bottle and then replaced it.

The argument that followed did cause a problem for me though … I KNOW I screwed up by lying to him about that bottle. Full stop I should have just said yes … I did drink it because I was feeling festive, then I replaced it … but instead I said no and I was adamant that it was the same bottle.

AP KNEW IT WASN’T THE SAME BOTTLE BECAUSE HE’D MARKED IT.

I didn’t know whether to be pissed off that he’d tested me more than I was upset and annoyed with myself that I’d lied to him in the first place. He had a couple of questions for me after that which I answered honestly. Did I drink some of the vodka from the other night and replace that too … I said yes, I’d had two “Nessa” vodkas (ie triples) out of the bottle (which I bought anyway!) which is why I’d bought another half bottle to put in the cupboard for when he came over.

Part of what was upsetting AP was because after the last talk we’d had about me drinking – I’d started to tell him when I’d had a drink at home in the evening … and he saw it as some sort of attempt to lie to him when I’d stopped telling him about what/if I was drinking every evening because it wasn’t exactly every evening. It was maybe once or twice a week when I didn’t see him in the evenings, I’d have a couple of glasses of wine, or a couple of vodkas – not even drinking to the point where I was drunk or anything like that. He felt that it was lying to him because I was omitting to tell him when I had been drinking in the evenings.

AP admitted to me that he is NOT normal when it comes to alcohol because of his father … he didn’t even mention his last ex, but I know that there were issues there over her drinking as well. Part of me feels that I shouldn’t have to “fess up” that I’ve had a couple of glasses of something in the evening … or even 3-4 glasses if the mood  takes me, but equally I realise the importance of this to AP and maybe it’s just something I should naturally do out of respect/consideration to him and his feelings.

I did admit the truth and tell him anything he asked me with complete unadulterated honesty. He accepted my apology and even said he could see why I’d hidden the truth about the bottle of wine. His point all along was just please please not to lie to him.

Needless to say, Wednesday night was a little different from what either of us had expected or anticipated. He did accept my apology and forgive me for the lie… I went quiet after that because I wasn’t really in the frame of mind or time & place for anything sexual, plus I needed to continue beating myself up. It’s a habit of mine unfortunately … to continue kicking myself long after it is necessary!

The BEST sort of Monday!

You know it’s not going to be the usual sort of Monday when you don’t wake up in a blind panic because you’ve slept through the alarm, and even more crazy when the school run goes off without a hitch! When you wake up a few minutes *before* the alarm and realise you are so refreshed that you don’t even need to snooze it … well that alone made it worthy of getting my ass out of bed to investigate what else the day had in store for me.

I managed to produce breakfast, iron two sets of school uniforms, do my son’s lunch box and find cash for my daughter’s lunch money all by 7.45am. This is not how Mondays usually start in the Pink household! I even had time to do my hair nicely and put a bit of make-up on!

AP and I had a day off today and a well deserved one too! Not only have we argued so much lately and needed to just spend a day together not working … but we’ve both worked VERY hard recently and actually really deserved to just take a sofa day purely to let our bodies relax!! Admittedly it wasn’t my intention when I got to his place this morning (with takeaway breakfast from McDonalds – damn I am good to him!) because in my head I’d worked out that as long as we leave his place by 11am we can take our time over eating breakfast, laugh at Jeremy Kyle on TV, have another coffee and still get to work with plenty of time to get lots done …

After we’d eaten, AP grinned at me and asked me if I wanted to lay down for a hug. I grinned back and told him that he knew that was dangerous. Basically it was his way of telling me he didn’t really want to go to work today, and as we are both only behind up-to-a-point at the moment … it was okay to take the day off. If I’d turned around and been more adamant about going to work today, he’d have been up and motivated … but because we gave each other the green light for a relax-day … we did just that!!

We dozed off on the sofa and woke up around 12.30pm… by then it simply wasn’t worth going into work … and we got snuggly, started kissing and …. yeah … ummmm AP discovered a magic button recently … a button that - when pressed – makes me pretty much instantly turned on and today he kinda explored that further. OH MY GOD is all I will say!

I don’t ever need to double check or second guess him because I believe him. When he strokes my hair and tells me I am beautiful, I believe him and it makes my smile wider than the room … the house … the street even! When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he’s never loved anyone as much as – or the way that he loves me … I believe him and I know it has to be true because I feel the same.

We talked a little today about our arguments and we’d both be really happy if we never argued ever again! We re-visited the fact that it’s always stupid stuff and nothing that would ever make either of us seriously consider ending things. As far as we are both concerned, there’s only really one thing that would do that … OR putting yourself in the situation where the possibility of that may happen (self policing stuff) but we are both very VERY happy with each other, with our relationship and with life in general (other than being busy and behind on work! LOL)

It’s been a really good day and I’m feeling very positive. I’m even going to hit the sack and get an early night!!

The latest news in Pink-Ville :-)

Well it’s all smiles here on Sunday evening, but it wasn’t earlier in the week and all over such STUPID STUFF!! Really freakin’ STUPID STUFF!! It drives me nuts that AP and I argue in the first place because we are so utterly perfect for each other … but it winds me up even more that we argue over such pointless crap!! What we HAVE been doing though is arguing “better” recently. It may sound ridiculous, but I did some web searching a few months ago in the height of some bad arguments with AP … and I read lots of articles about couples who argue a lot and it comes down to the “how” you argue rather than what you argue about…

AP and I tend to get arguments over and done with much quicker these days, and because we’ve talked so much about the things that drive us both mad when we’re in the middle of a full scale battle – it makes it easier to be able to take a step back and calm down. For both of us ultimately it comes down to just having a chance to breathe and ask each other for a hug. It’s that simple! I remember a huge row we had not long after we got together officially at the end of last year that lasted about three days where I just wouldn’t speak to him!! I remember the row, the yelling and shouting, my friend LC taking me out to lunch to make sure I ate because I was still very much in recovery from my eating disorder at that point. I remember driving and crying my eyes out, trying to hide it from the children and being convinced it was all over.

Do I remember what we’d argued about? Pfffffttttttttt nope! That’s what I mean - we argue about such stupid stuff!!!

My last post about questioning things so much again with AP was (I think – with hindsight) due to the fact that I was ILL, getting stressed about work (I am flooded with orders which is a good thing!) … and also knowing that he was stressed made me start to feel insecure even though I knew he wasn’t stressed with me! We are so compatible sometimes that we rub each other up the wrong way unintentionally!!

When my insecurities come up to the surface … I can’t help but feel like scratching the eyes out of every attractive woman on TV, convinced he is comparing me to exes (last one the daughter of a foreign embassador, the one before that skinny & gorgeous …) even though he gives me a ton of compliments and has told me he loves me more than anyone else he has ever loved before. When he makes jokes, I look for the negative aspect of it and cling onto it instead of looking at the bigger picture and seeing what is actually funny.

We argued Wednesday night when he stayed over at my place. We’d just about sorted things out by the time we parted at 7pm Thursday evening… and then by Friday afternoon it was all weird and uncomfortable again! I left my mobile phone at his place when I left to pick the kids up from school, and I’ve done this like eleventy hundred times before in the past! I can be so forgetful sometimes that I would literally forget my head if it wasn’t attached to me. It has never been a problem to have left my phone behind before because I have absolutely nothing to hide from AP.

When I got home from the school run on Friday, AP had left a message on my home landline to say that I’d left my phone there and could I call him asap. I rang him as soon as I got through the door and he told me he’d taken a call from an irate customer who hadn’t received her order and was being all shitty demanding a refund. Admittedly it shocked me that he had answered my phone because if the situation had been reversed and his phone was at my place and it rang – I would have just left it to ring and then switched it off until I’d got it back to him. Anyway – I asked him why he’d answered my phone, and his reply was simply incase it was important. I took a deep breath, said okay it bugged me that he answered my phone …. he was bugged because I hadn’t thanked him for calming down an irate customer and it all went to shit from there really!! He said my reaction was similar to that of a person who had something to hide – that pissed me off even more as it is so far from the truth … and yeah, it went from there!

Friday night was awful. I was due to stay over at his place but because we were grumpy with each other, I had got visions of yet another night up till 5am arguing or in silence and part of me just wanted to avoid it completely. I have to be honest I was absolutely exhausted too. I was just SO TIRED. I needed to close my eyes and just go to sleep, and as much as I tried to fight it … I knew ultimately though that none of this crap was worthy of not spending a night together even if it was all distant! I think I was long gone by around 10am and he just let me sleep.

Saturday we woke up with a much better frame of mind. The sleep did me the world of good, and we were able to talk enough to agree we were being stupid with eachother … but not without first saying sorry. I was the first one to ask for a hug on Saturday morning, and the first one to apologise for my part in the whole thing. He looked me dead in the eyes, smiled and said thank you… then he apologised to me too. 

Ultimately I know damned well that as much as he pisses me off, there is nothing – and I mean NOTHING that would make me actually want to walk away from this. The good …. ahhhhh see the good is frigging amazing!!!

Fairly successful argument methinks!

By Saturday afternoon we’d resolved whatever was left of our issues … and we had an amazing night at my place

Sunday … ahhh bless the world for the invention of Sundays! We totally had a sofa day today that included just chilling out back at his place with music, TV, conversation, food and periods of nakedness

I’m exhausted …. VERY tired and it’s Monday tomorrow … so the reality of the week ahead is biting and my bed is calling!!

Questioning things again …

Ugh … it’s probably because I’ve been ill today and feeling a bit sensitive … and possibly a bit to do with how stressed AP has been about his own work … and a bit because of a conversation with my ex-husband (which always stirs up my emotions), and possibly also a little bit “just because” … but a few times today I’ve thought hmmmmmm about a few things …

While I was talking on the phone to AP I mentioned how my son had smelled something with the same cologne that AP wears and how he’d mentioned how nice it was. It was meant as a compliment as it’s a nice smell … but AP got really weird about how my son had better not like it too much as it was his smell! I kind of laughed and said not to be silly as my son is a 9 year old boy but  AP said that it just wasn’t right for my son to smell the same as my boyfriend – or my boyfriend to smell the same as my son!! I said to him all my son did was sniff something – at the end of the day he was 9 years old and in no way ready to start wearing cologne … but that when he was, he could like whatever smell he wanted to!! AP went a bit quiet and the subject got changed. It was just weird! One person doesn’t have the right to “own” a smell and it doesn’t mean that anyone they know can’t ever wear that smell either!!

I’ve had a conversation with my ex over the phone this evening too. We’ve emailed back and forth about dates for Christmas and it ended up as quite a civil chat actually. I told AP that my ex and I had a conversation about dates but I didn’t go into detail because it just gets AP’s back up that my ex is the one who pretty much determines when AP and I see each other … I’d feel the same – I know I would … but ultimately I need to keep things friendly with my ex because he is the father of my children! It is in my interest to be flexible with dates and help him out where I can because I know damned well that when *I* need a date swapped around, I have already got a bargaining chip.

I have no feelings for my ex in any way – other than the fact he is the father of my children, but as far as love goes … I know that I stopped truly loving that man over four years ago when he gave up on me. There is nothing about my ex emotionally that would make me want to get back together with him … and physically – well the thought is a bigger turn off than having my rude bits sewn up!

AP hates that my ex is in control of when we see each other and AP said something on the phone tonight that I know I took the wrong way because I questioned him on it to make sure it WAS me taking it the wrong way … he said how much it bugged him that we could never be spontaneous because of how my ex keeps swapping around dates. I said as long as it didn’t bug him too much … and he said not yet. He DID continue by saying that if it did bug him then he’d be going to have words with my ex.

It was just the way it first came out of his mouth made me feel that our relationship is actually in jeapordy if my ex has to swap dates around again in the future. He absolutely clarified that wasn’t what he meant … but why did I automatically think that? I knew it wasn’t easy for him being with a woman who came with so much baggage when we very first met (he’s single, no previous marriage and no kids, just exes that screwed him up!) and it was just the way he said he could have gone off and found someone single with no kids a long time ago if he wanted to … it got my back up a bit even though he hadn’t meant it the way I took it.

There is no way in the world that I would ever even consider getting back together with my ex-husband. I left him 13 months ago and we’ve been officially divorced for two months. I don’t even know why I married him in the first place because it certainly wasn’t love. I think it was more a need to be loved.

What IS love though? With that epiphany in mind … is it actually real love with AP  or am I settling again? The fact that it feels so hard to please him sometimes makes me question it… but on the other hand – there are so many amazing things to him that I know I wouldn’t get with anyone else.

I shouldn’t blog at 2am after a few vodkas. I couldn’t sleep and lay tossing and turning in bed thinking about this stuff, so I decided to have a drink to help me sleep. Trouble is … it made me think even more…

A *should have stayed in bed day*

I AM ILL and it is most displeasing to me!! I am so busy and I have so much to do that I really really can’t afford to stop and be ill! People’s christmas orders are depending on me and I am already running about a week behind purely because of the volume of orders that have come in just over the last three days. When I’m a week behind that realistically means slightly longer than that because of the catch-up involved in previous orders plus trying to stay on top of new orders at the same time. It’s a logistical head fuck to keep the operation running smoothly when it’s so busy and being ill does not help!

If any of my friends are reading this and happen to be free any time during school hours over the next couple of weeks and fancy working for love and chocolate biscuits (no cash sorry – but we could do a deal on stock *grin*) …

It’s horrible because I have been trying so hard to build this back up and to have delays to my customers when I need them to be thinking “wow what great products and damned fast delivery!” … it’s not good!!

At the same time, I know damned well that if I don’t rest and take it easy, that I’ll be ill for longer and that will be even worse!

I feel like a fly trapped inside a tiny box – all buzz buzz buzz with nowhere to go. I HATE BEING ILL.

I started off the day praying to the porcelain god and it didn’t get much better – I revisited three times in total before the clock even hit 7am! I’ve felt really nauseous ever since I threw up this morning and that has been in between bouts of stomach cramps and the start of a threatening headache that never made it past that “just-there-enough-to-iritate-you” kind of headache.” I’ve had awful back pain and ached like a £$%#& all day!

My head has been soggy and foggy all day – things that should be simple like tying shoelaces or making a coffee seem to take real extra effort to work out the steps necessary to complete the task. The thought of anything more than the basic necessary functions to survive … ugh! I knew I had to get to work anyway – I had no choice with the rate that orders are piling in at the moment. I would have absolutely LOVED to have ignored it all today and gone back to bed…

Ugh I wish I had!! LOL

I forgot to take my purse with me when I dropped the kids off at school, but it didn’t even occur to me at the time that I hadn’t given my daughter any lunch money … I just waved her off, told her to have a good day and I would pick her up at 3.15pm! Meanwhile I drove to the petrol station, merrily filled my tank up with fuel and had just clicked the thingy back into the whatsit when I realised I didn’t have ANY money on me! THANKFULLY it was my local garage and I am in there all the time, so the owners know me by sight. I just pleaded “blonde moment combined with really ill moment and said I would be straight back!!” … he laughed at me and said if it were anyone else he’d take their shoes!

It wasn’t until early afternoon that I realised in absolute horror that I’d completely forgot to give her any lunch money! When I talked to her about it after school, she said she knew I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to hassle me for money, so she went upstairs and took some of her own money!

I eventually made it to the workshop and after walking into a door and banging my head, tripping over the vacuum cleaner wire and covering my fingers with dye … I proceeded to completely screw up three orders by making things completely the wrong way round!

I really should have stayed in bed today …

AP is stressed :-(

AP has been working so very hard on his own stuff recently (he is self employed too) and he’s been totally hit with something out of the blue that completely threatens 2-3 months worth of very hard work and many hours of research. The worst bit is knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him other than to just be there for him as a sounding board and venting post and try to come up with any silly but potentially useful suggestions to help to dig him out of a hole.

I hate it when he is stressed because all I want to do is put my arms around him, kiss him, tell him how much I love him and that it WILL be okay. AP and I work so well together as a team that no matter whether it is his work or mine – we just muddle along together so well. I already anticipate him pretty well when I help him with his stuff … I can tell purely by habit that the look on his face means he is looking for a pair of scissors, or wondering where the tape is … and he’s starting to be able to do the same for me which means we save each other a buttload of time – literally!

AP gets very tired when he is stressed too – so we even managed time to find just under an hour to curl up on his sofa together this afternoon before I picked the kids up from school. It was sooooo nice  I’d needed the rest after a hectic start to the day and he needed to just chill the fuck out!!

Mega Monday?

According to all the TV news it’s been “Mega-Monday” today … the last working day of the month and officially the day when the UK combined will spend something like 2.5 million pounds online. I did have a few orders today but meanwhile it has been the past weekend that has soured as far as sales go. I don’t want to blog about how the value of much I actually have sitting in sales in my workshop right now with orders that are under-way … but let’s just say these past two weeks alone have surpassed my expectations for November. I am completely snowed under with orders!!!

I had forgotten just how much I love it!! How when I am busy and have a pile of orders an inch thick (no kidding!!) I spring out of bed like a veritable gazelle at 6.30am in the mornings ready to start the day instead of hitting snooze till around 7.15  and then panicking when I don’t have time to get it all done!

I am such a different person when I am busy at work! I am focussed and motivated – I love it!

OMG I’ve had SUCH a good day!

You know what? It feels REALLY good to be able to sit here with a smile on my face and blog about all of the happy things that are going on in my life right now. It really makes a change from all of the doom and gloom I have written about … things may be finally looking up for this girl!

This morning (Sunday) I had a fantastic lay in until around 10am and came downstairs to find both kids had got themselves dressed, had breakfast and were watching a documentary on TV! This is most excellent because one of the conditions of my son’s punishment is no TV of choice which means that either *I* choose what is on TV, or it is the Discovery channel / National Geographic / Animal Planet if the TV is just on in the background. Not only was a documentary ON, but they were both sat there absolutely engrossed in a documentary about big cats in the wild!

It pleased me muchly because it showed that my son had respect for his “punishment” (ie no cartoons) and that my daughter hadn’t pushed the boundaries of his “no TV of choice” by putting cartoons on for herself!

The morning was spent watching documentaries about life under the ocean and the kids helped me with chores. I did ALL of the laundry (well at least washed and dried it … and I’ve ironed the school uniforms for Monday morning so it counts!!) and caught up on other housework. That’s always a Sunday worth a smile in itself!!

I “dog-sat” for my ex yesterday and last night and in return he had the kids for a few hours this afternoon! He’d been away with his brother overnight and as he was planning on being back home for about 1pm to pick up the dog, I just happened to suggest that he pick up the kids at the same time and keep them till say 5.30pm… it worked brilliantly!

I remember a couple of weekends ago when AP had a lot of work to do … and didn’t do any of it over a weekend where I was home with the kids and it really pissed me off … because I then knew the pair of us had more to do on Monday morning … well, today was totally different! Not only did AP get himself down there early today (Sunday) but he also did a butt load of my catch up stuff for me during his “cigarette breaks” from his stuff! By the time I got there at 1.45pm (I stopped off to get us some lunch!!!) I was able to literally crack on with my emergency-must-get-out-on-monday stuff and still had time to help AP finish up AND stop off at his for a half hour cuddle up before I had to pick the kids up!

I’m so happy – life is good … and I have a metric FUCKLOAD of orders … which means I am busy … which means I’m happy!

Life is a self fulfilling prophecy … love it!!!