AP and I had a stupid absolutely pointless argument today but it was one that actually proved a lot to the both of us. We were watchingthe mens tennis final on TV – Roddick Vs Federer and AP had an urgent email he needed to send, so I settled down happy to watch the tennis as I was really getting into the match … while he took care of something business related. I ended up falling asleep on the sofa for a bit as the match went on for over 4 hours!
I’d only been asleep around half hour or so and woke up to him stroking my hair which is always a nice way to wake up! I blurted out “what’s the score?” as soon as my eyes were open. He told me, then I queried whether that was games or sets as I was confused between the two (I only really got into tennis when AP got me the wii for xmas!) and all of a sudden we were arguing with each other! I said something about how I thought they had to be two points ahead to win the match, AP said something else … and I asked him to shhh as I’d just woken up and my head was too mashed to compute. He took that as a big insult and felt I was saying he was wrong by telling him to shhh. He told me I was being moody as I’d just woken up!!! GRRR I wasn’t even a teeniest bit moody, but tell any woman she’s being moody and purely by trying to “defend herself” … she’ll get moody! It’s a lose-lose situation!
The argument started off the same way arguments between us go … it starts fairly calm, then AP raises his voice. AP shouts a lot and as my ex would always bury his head in the hand and just say nothing … I almost never know what to do when AP and I argue. I’m not used to someone as feisty as I am!! I usually end up walking out and going home!! As usually happens in the beginning of a row between us … I didn’t get a chance to get a word in edgeways and ended up sitting there on his sofa with tears in my eyes.
What happened NEXT is what makes this different though
I put my cigarettes in my bag, put my sunglasses on top of my head and put my shoes on. He looked at me with a pleading look in his eyes and said “Ness, no, don’t go…” I replied that I was just putting my shoes on, but in my head I was thinking “leave and get the fuck out”. My heart though … that was telling me to just sit the fuck there and wait this out. ALL the way through the last three years I have known AP I’ve battled my head and my heart until I decided just to listen to my heart …. my heart told me to stay and fight … so I stayed!!
I said to AP “look what you do to me…” and gesticulated towards the tears … he got up, looked at me… then left the room. I had no idea where he’d gone to, but I knew his family member was asleep in the bedroom after a night shift so I hadn’t wanted to go hunting around the house to find him. I took my sunglasses off my head, put them on the table and just lit a cigarette. The tears were flowing freely by then but my ass stayed firmly planted on the sofa and I tried to concentrate on the tennis.
A few minutes later he came back into the room – sat opposite me and as soon as I looked at him he said sorry and asked me for a hug. He said he thought I’d left while he was out of the room. He had heard a car door and engine outside and just assumed it was me leaving … and when he saw I hadn’t walked out – he said he just knew he had to hold me and say sorry. He said it impressed the fuck out of him that I hadn’t left because he knew as well as I did that it is what I would have done in the past!
I said to him … what would the point of me leaving have been? He would have either followed me 20 minutes later when he’d calmed down and we’d just have had the same “aftermath” conversation at my place … but we would have lost the last two hours we had to spend together over a stupid row!!! Afternoon/evening time together is precious as we don’t get enough due to kids / working hours etc
He apologised a lot – for the rest of the afternoon!
The thing is … and the thing I said to him mattered the most is that this argument had been so very different from others in the past. ALL couples will argue and I said to him it won’t be the last thing we have a stupid ridiculous blow up over … but the difference is that we both reacted and responded VERY differently, and it showed that there is definitely love between us and showed that we had both changed as a result of the “I love you’s” in our relationship. It isn’t as easy to just walk away when you know damned well you are in love with someone!!
His previous behaviour would have been to continue yelling & shouting until I felt I was a complete wreck and unable to really stand up for myself or get a word in. I would have at some point just thrown my stuff in my bag, got up, made some sort of tearful exit and closed the door behind me and then cried my eyes out all the way home!!!
THIS time … we both acknowledged that it was something stupid … we both had a “cooling off” period while he was out of the room … and what makes it so different is that *I* didn’t immediately jump up and leave … and he came back in and applied the “stop and hug” rule.
I told him over the phone later in the evening that I’m actually glad we had that silly fight because of what it proved about our relationship. I really do love that stupid idiot very gorgeous boyfriend of mine. He even said to me that it impressed the fuck out of him that I hadn’t got up and walked out. He had noticed that. It was a big deal to HIM that I’d changed my behaviour and acted differently than in previous arguments… and I gave him eleventy hundred brownie points for being the first to apply the “stop and hug” rule.
I said sorry for my part too, and said to him that he didn’t need to keep saying sorry – that it wasn’t about blame … that it was actually more about how much our relationship had grown and the fact that it was such a very “different” sort of argument proved a lot about the strength of our relationship. All couples will have odd stupid blow ups! We both admitted it was a stupid fight over something ridiculous … we were then able to talk about it sensibly, give each other kudos for how we each reacted … and as it was so insignificant … neither of us felt the need to dissect it or do a “yeah but I said and you said” kind of thing… which is something else we would have done in the past.
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This weekend has been a bit outta whack as my ex is taking the kids for an extra weekend next week. It’s a long story but he’s decided to go away for a week soon which means I miss out on my mid-week Wednesday that week and he has also booked it on a weekend where he is supposed to have the kids. In return I let him have this Friday night out of my weekend and he’s taking the kids completely next weekend (his weekend to have them) so I can have my birthday party child free and AP can stay over!
My birthday is Weds next week – it’s my daughter’s birthday exactly 2 weeks later and AP asked me what she wanted for her birthday! He has already hinted hugely that my pressie won’t be ready till Saturday because of cash flow … but simply the fact that he’s thought about it and planned to buy me something and has a surprise …. well that’s all I need to make me smile! Anyway … I told him about a series of books that my daughter wants, and he’s asked me to order it from amazon and he’ll give me the money. I’m WELL chuffed that he even thought to buy her something – it certainly wouldn’t have been expected from someone who had met them once no matter who he is to me!
My pressie though … now see that has my mind boggling!! AP is a very logical and practical person (Aquarian LOL) and his gifts tend to be something that is wanted/needed rather than wanted/lusted after! He won’t waste money and hates waste as much as I do. He bought me a Wii for Christmas knowing how much I wanted one and how much use the kids and I would get out of it – therefore it wasn’t a frivolous gift. For Valentines this year (as a fairly new couple before the I love you’s!) he bought “us” an expensive sex toy – and although that could definitely be classed as frivoulous … it was perfect as it was something the both of us have errr aherm enjoyed and got a lot of use out of before we broke it LOL
I really don’t know what he might have in mind for my birthday though … and I’m really hoping that he doesn’t ask me for verification or ask me if what he’s got in mind is okay because I’m secretly itching for a complete surprise!!
Anyway it’s late … enough waffling … it’s been a weird weekend but one I am glad happened. It’s left me feeling happy, loved up and with a grin on my face!!
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