Say I love you with breakfast!

I knew AP hadn’t been feeling well, and after such a wonderful weekend I wanted to do something nice for him. We both had a LOT of work to catch up on today and I thought that a nice big breakfast would set our tummies up nicely for the day ahead, so after dropping the kids off at school, I stopped into McDonalds and bought a ton of breakfast stuff! I called him to say I was on my way over and I hoped he was hungry as breakfast was on the way too … and he was SO touched! His face when I got there said it all! He’d not long woken up when I called him and the first thing he heard was that his girlfriend was on her way over with a cooked breakfast from McDonalds! Once we’d eaten we couldn’t keep our hands off each other … I had to put my coat on, button it up and stand on the opposite side of the room or we would never have got to work!

The way to say I love you is definitely with a good breakfast!

I’ve really been trying to make a big effort to do little things that show AP beyond any doubt how much I am in love with him. I remember reading once that the best way to tell someone you love them is to show them as well, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll always offer to grab anything he needs from town if I’m headed that way … I picked up his prescription for his asthma inhaler the other day when I was in town stocking up on groceries, and I bought him a new throat spray at the same time as I knew his was running out and grabbed some throat sweets too. It was just something I did without really thinking because I knew it would make him feel better! Today I took him breakfast and I swear that although it is absolutely NO EFFORT at all to do these little things for someone … it comes back threefold, it really does.

Make the effort – do some little things for your partner. They feel so very special because someone else is offering to do things for them and to them it feels like you are making a huge effort. It’s easy to get complacent in long term relationships and I’m taking the time to do and say the little things because I want to never ever become complacent again. I love him too much and he loves me. Neither of us want to be without the other and we just have to quit the stupid rows for no reason!

We had a successful argument on the phone this evening! We hadn’t talked since I’d left work earlier to pick the kids up (other than a few texts) and in just 6 hours of being apart we managed to get wound up and frustrated! He thought I’d sounded like something was stressing me out, but it wasn’t, but he kept asking and I was fine but he insisted it sounded like something was wrong and blah blah … stupid argument, we both overreacted and got hot-headed but it blew over very quickly and we both apologised. THAT is the way it should be! We talked for a while on the phone then voice chatted on MSN over the headset. He said it had been such a great weekend and we had a really good day today that he just didn’t want to let anything spoil it. It wasn’t worth arguing over… so we didn’t!

This being apart stuff is driving me crazy. I hate it. I just want to be with him!!

Oh WOW and DOUBLE WOW!!

It’s been an amazing weekend of the wow, double wow and even triple wow kind. Both of us completely blew off work for the entire weekend to just be alone and spend some quality time together. It’s really been needed with everything we’ve been through recently and it was amazing to have that time just for us. We both agreed we had spent way too long arguing over the last few months and needed to ignore our friends & families, stay away from email and facebook and pretty much switch off from the world.

SOOOOOO that’s exactly what we did! As we’re both self employed it just means we have one hell of a busy Monday and possibly some pissed off customers, but we’ll fix those because damn it was worth it! 

We finally got exactly what we have been needing for so long now – some time to be alone together just the two of us – and the conversations that just absolutely astounded me. We both know we have a future together, but it was very very nice to have your other half actually tell you the reasons just why they love you, tell you that you are beautiful, sexy and their dream woman simply because of the silly(and some not so silly) quirky things you do! Our relationship – when we aren’t arguing LOL – is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. AP is my boyfriend and my kinky lover, my best friend, my partner and my other half – all rolled into one, and damn I fancy the shit out of him too! I look at him and GRRRRR I want him!!

AP told me straight out that he wants to have babies with me and that he’s talking about the not too distant future. He even came out and admitted that he’d had the odd thought pop into his head to say “tell her to just stop taking the pill and we’ll see what happens…”  I told him I’d had the odd thought about maybe missing the odd pill here or there and just seeing what happens. Obviously he didn’t and I didn’t but mad we’d both been thinking along the same lines there! It was a really good conversation because we both know we are on each other’s wavelength there as well – that it is something that we both very much want, but that we also want to plan and decide together rather than be a happy accident.

We talked about how bits of my rented house are falling off (lights broken, toilet seat fixings are broken, kitchen needs replacing) and how his 2 bed place suffers from nasty mould during the wet weather and how small it is. His answer. WE need a new house. That wasn’t we need new houses in the plural, that was WE need “A” new house singular … and my assumption could only be that he meant we would all share said new house!

The downside is that I lose out on certain benefits and would take a hit in my tax credits, but we’d save a fortune on cheese. This is a true fact and we discovered this when we went shopping at Sainsburys over the weekend. Long story and you had to be there really LOL but it involves lots of different types of cheese EACH because after we’d worked our way through tasting all of the different red leicesters and a new wensleydale … we were hungry and had to buy some of every one we’d liked EACH!!

I think basically very slowly – we are going to start just looking in the paper for 4 bed houses to rent – just to see what is about, how much etc, and maybe some time after Christmas sit down, put our pennies (and piles of cheese) together and see what we can come up with!

We certainly reached a new depth of closeness this weekend which makes the arguments seem even more stupid, ridiculous and insignificant now. We wasted so much valuable time that we could have been snuggling up and we don’t get enough time together! We aren’t going to waste any more by arguing or being silly. We’ve learned a lot from it all and damnit, he is my ideal guy for so many reasons!

I’m not going to go into detail but as far as our sex life goes, let’s just say neither of us have ANY complaints and in fact it’s almost too much of the opposite! We have far too many ideas and not enough time to explore them all! He suggested something as almost a joke-but-do-you-fancy-trying-it kind of way … I sat up, spent a few seconds working out logistics in my head and said “Why the fuck not?!” Within about three minutes we had googled a search term, come up with a website where a few things found their way into a shopping cart and AP was handing me cash for half of the order!

Anyway, I’ve had a couple of very late nights and after the weekend antics I need some rest! LOL It’s going to be a busy Monday!!!

Our visit to the clinic!

We decided to go down to the drop in centre at the local GUM clinic (Genito-Urinary Medicine) on Friday morning to get AP checked out properly because his GP was absolutely useless and to find out if he has got warts, why haven’t I?!

It wasn’t actually half as bad as either of us expected, but far from a pleasant experience either!

We asked to be seen together and the doctor really was excellent. We had a talk about our sexual history and previous partners … and other than my little “blip” at the end of my marriage, I have only had long-term monogomous relationships since the age of 16, and AP has actually had a LOT fewer partners than I thought he had. His number is significantly less than mine and I thought it would be a LOT more … that was a surprise when I’d found that out – I think it made me fall in love with him even more!!

She put both of us at ease straight away as far as where they could have  originally come from goes because it could have been from either of us. AP admitted that he’d known his last ex girlfriend cheated on him right at the end of their relationship, and even though that was SEVEN years ago that the relationship ended, it is possible that the she gave him the virus and it just lay dormant in him because he was single until we met almost three years later. It is also possible that I have built up an immunity to it because I’ve had it before, and if I am not showing any signs or symptoms then there CAN be no treatment, but I won’t re-infect him if he is already infected and that is the bit that we’d needed to know and understand!!

The doctor agreed it was pointless giving us the full sexual health tests as we just wanted the warts sorted, so I had a check up for signs … none … and AP had his nitrogen treated. He has to go back once a week now until they are gone, but once they’ve been blasted over and over again with the liquid nitrogen – then hopefully we’ll have it fixed.

He apologised again for having to even ask me if I’d done anything… and I admitted that I realised he must have been absolutely shitting a brick about asking me that question because he knew I would overreact … which I did …. LOL THANKFULLY the two of us can actually talk about this stuff like adults and human beings.

See, we argue about crappy insignificant little stuff, but the big stuff? We seem to sort that out no problem!!

Warts n all LITERALLY

AP has genital warts. There. Came out and said it without beating around the bush. Much like he did when I got to his place after his doctor’s appointment yesterday and he told me the diagnosis, then said “you know what question I need to ask you.”

The “have you cheated on me, slept with someone else and given me warts??” question he meant.

No I absolutely have NOT. There was a bit of a “thing” with JT a long time ago now at a point where AP and I had split up (over the whole JH thing and her lies I got caught up in – long story and she is an ex-friend that is long gone now) where JT told me he was interested in me as more than a friend, but nothing actually ever happened and I told JT to back off because I knew damned well that AP was my soulmate and that despite all we’d been through, I knew we were just meant to be together.

I was so upset that he could even think it because even at the very worst lows since I’ve been with AP, it’s never even been a consideration to even think about looking elsewhere. I believe in being faithful, honest and truthful with your partner, or what’s the point in being with them?!?! I know … says a lot coming from the woman who MET AP when I had an affair with him while cheating on my ex-husband!!  The point is, I damned well tried and I worked at my marriage long before I did anything “wrong” … and I only did what I did because my ex-husband was ignoring me … anyway …

AP had phoned me when he’d got back from the doctor yesterday and told me “we need to talk” so I’d totally wound myself up on the drive over to his place because I knew what he was going to have to ask and so soon after having an argument that came close to ending us – and recovering from it … well, it’s not a good time to have to ask your girlfriend if she’s been sleeping around on you.

My reaction wasn’t a good one, but then again I’d known what he was going to ask me and I really had totally driven myself to the brink of I don’t know WHAT by the time I got to his place. My instinctive reaction (despite all my pre-planned perfect answers!) was “if you ask me if I’ve been cheating on you then I am walking out of here!!”

I apologised to him straight away for the overreaction and admitted I had wound myself up about it. He apologised too for even having to ask it. He said he hadn’t honestly thought it, but it was a question from the doctor and he had to ask it. We did REALLY WELL for such a tricky topic!! I said to him he must have been scared shitless about asking me that question and he admitted he’d been dreading it because he knew I wouldn’t take it well!

The weird and totally utterly bizarre thing is that AP has genital warts but I don’t. Warts are one of the most infectious STIs, so if he has them, how come I don’t? We certainly have enough sex to be able to pass things between us very easily!! He has had these lumps for a while and his GP used nitrogen to remove them before and told him they were NOT genital warts at that point. It’s more frustrating than anything else because he said they weren’t, then said they were … but yet if they ARE and they are infectious … how come I have no sign of them? AP laughed and said maybe I have some kind of mutant immunity to it because of when a past ex gave me genital warts when I was about 17 (he was cheating on me). I was treated for them and never had a sign since then.

I also had a sexual health screening a year ago when I left my ex-husband and moved into this house and been completely clean. We checked the website and genital warts was included in the screening. AP had mentioned this to his doctor during his appointment because I was openly honest with AP about going to the clinic when I did, and his doctor had told him to also ask me why I went. I’d told him at the time, and yesterday I said to him “you know why I went!” I did it for two reasons … firstly being tested for me is always what I do after the end of a relationship. Ever since I became aware of GUM clinics (Genito-Urinary Medicine) when I was a teenager and an ex gave me warts, I’ve made a point of getting regularly tested. I also had some curious lumps “down there” that turned out to be nothing but common cysts, but that is why I went down after I moved into my house … not because I had any other symptoms or had anything to worry about!

The thought of ever being with anyone else honestly turns my stomach. It’s not even about sex either because AP really is the best sex I’ve ever had and that is no understatement! The physical side is one thing, but it’s the connection between us mentally that gets me every time. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else. All I need to do if I’m feeling horny is dip my finger somewhere interesting and run it under his nose for him to be like a dog on heat!! TMI huh! Point is … even on nights that AP and I spend together where we aren’t sexual (tired, work head switched on, arguing, not in the mood etc) I never feel rejected or unwanted. It’s just natural between us.

I trust him 1000% too and I have never been able to say that about a partner before – not even my ex husband!! I love that on evenings I’m not with AP, chances are he’s catching up on work and watching a documentary on National Geographic about monkeys in Outer Mongolia or Whale Wars on the discovery channel, and we talk/text about a million times a day on the phone when we’re not together!

The point is, we managed to have a very dodgy subject conversation without putting more holes in our relationship. He was totally happy with my answer and as I have absolutely no symptoms or sign of anything and came up completely clear in my test! He’s as baffled as I am. Are they warts? If they are, are they some kind of non-infectious type or do I have really tiny ones you have to really look for?

We’re going to the GUM clinic together tomorrow morning … it won’t be pleasant but at least we may get some answers!!

Pleasantly surprised!

AP isn’t well – he showed signs of not being well at all yesterday while we were talking and we’d both put it down to stress from the argument as I’d been feeling lousy too, but he’s got hot and cold shivers, a dry cough, sore throat, over-tiredness (not sleeping at night – tossing & turning) and absolutely no appetite whatsoever. His mum is a nurse in a place where half the staff are off with swine flue, so it’s entirely possible that she’s built up a resistance to the bug (the woman is as strong as an ox for her tiny frame!) but passed it onto him. He has a pretty good immune system himself, but he’s definitely not very well.

I hadn’t expected him to come down to work, but he did… I really thought he would ask me to take a look at his stuff and just check all his orders were okay while I was trying to crack on with my own stuff, but he was there and we both stuck out a full day until I had to pick the kids up from school. Other than him not being well and me still being tired (I must get to bed earlier!!) it was such an obscurely NORMAL day – almost as if the argument hadn’t happened – which is a good thing. We got on with what we had to do at work, then had half an hour left till I had to leave for the school run where we just sat and had a cigarette, a chat and a hug.

We’d arranged for him to come over about 9pm and he fell asleep on his sofa early this evening … he’d assumed my phone call when the kids had gone to bed would wake him up, but his phone ran out of battery! Oooops! It was 10.15pm by the time he called me, hugely apologetic for having fallen asleep and not been here. He had every reason in the world NOT to go jump in his car and come all the way over here, but he did anyway! Aside from the fact he isn’t well, he had to drive out of his way to get fuel as it was past 10pm and the usual garage was shut!

I was very surprised and very happy that he’d said he still wanted to come over for a bit. He has a doctor appt early tomorrow, so he needs to get an early night and a good night’s sleep – the other reason not to have come all the way over here just for an hour or so … but he did.

It feels like so much longer ago since we had that last mega row. We both are feeling a little fragile still and know that it will take a while for our relationship to get back onto that same even keel it was on before, but we both want it

Going to bed before 1am for once – maybe I’ll finally get shot of the Tesco carrier bags under my eyes!

A fresh day

I’ve woken up this morning feeling very tired. It does not feel like a Tuesday today! I hardly slept last night and it was more like 2am by the time I got upstairs to bed. I just kept churning it all over and over again in my head. I’m trying very hard to let go of the lying cheating piece of scum comment because I know he didn’t mean it … I know he regrets it and I don’t want to be guilty of holding onto a hurtful comment and bringing it up over and over again because that’s what he has done recently with mentioning all of the other times I’ve hurt him in the past.

The times I’ve hurt him have been where I’ve said something stupid when I’ve been drinking or he has misunderstood what I was saying, or taken something the wrong way. I spend such a long time apologising and feeling like a piece of shit for hurting him… whereas when he hurts me he does tend to go for an all out crushing blow and then expect his apology to be instantly forgiven (that’s the way I see it anyway).

I am absolutely positive that trying to work at this relationship is the right thing to do, because I refuse to throw away three years of something that has so many other really good points without giving it a damned good try first. At the end of the day though I also need to remember that I stuck around in an unhappy marriage for longer than I really should have done and make sure that whatever I am doing … I am doing it for ME.

AP and I are meeting up later today – we’ve both got work to get on with and the plan is to help each other out to get it done quicker so we can spend time together just relaxing before I have to pick the kids up at 3pm. I’ve just dropped the kids off at school and I’m going to have a LIE DOWN in front of morning TV while I wait for him to call me!

Monday Aftermath

I went up to bed last night after posting and got a few more text apologies from AP before I sent a final reply asking him for some space so I could try and sleep before my 6am alarm. I replied to let him know I’d arranged for my daughter (who had an inset day at school the next day) to be with my mum all day so that he and I could talk. I knew that having my daughter home all day would mean that both AP and I were sat stewing and the only talking we could have done was over the telephone, but with little ears listening it wouldn’t have been a proper conversation anyway. I called my mum late last night and she offered without hesitation to take her off my hands and make cards with her all day today.

This morning by the time I woke up, my heart was already beating through my chest. I was feeling really nervous, I was getting stomach cramps and I was shaking. By the time I’d dropped my daughter off at my mother’s I was having serious second thoughts about going over to see him. I was dreading it. I knew he’d ask for a hug and I didn’t want to have to say no because I was genuinely feeling like I just did not want to be touched. Those words were just repeating in my head along with so many other things that he’s said or done in the past that have brought me down and reduced me to a quivering wreck.

He’d called me earlier this morning to check what time I was going over, but I hadn’t got to the phone in time and when I picked up, the line went dead. I tried ringing back and got a busy line, then he called me back and the first thing he said to me was “did you just hang up on me?” ……….

I pulled up outside his house, but not after sitting around the corner for a few minutes just to count up to eleventy hundred (I didn’t get very far …) before taking a deep breath and knocking on his door.

What happened almost straight away was a bit of a surprise. He thanked me for making the arrangements to be able to go over and talk to him today. He was genuinely grateful, but I said exactly the same to him as I wrote above … that there was absolutely no way I was prepared to go a whole day without at least talking face to face.

I sat down and there was a bit of quiet and awkward chit chat before he got up, said he was going to the toilet and disappeared. When he came back into the room a few minutes later, he sat down, had a face like thunder and said “well I’ve just thrown up and I’m absolutely fine, thanks for asking…” my jaw just dropped to the floor. I started to say that he’d simply told me he was going to the toilet and I had NO IDEA that he wasn’t well, but he shouted all over that and stormed out of the room.

I was told that when he phoned me this morning he asked me how I was … I said no you didn’t … and then was going to correct myself and point out that the first thing he said to me was asking me if I’d just hung up on him. He didn’t give me a chance – he said “Yes I did, you pillock” and although the term pillock isn’t technically the worst insult in the world, it was just one too many.

I got up, said “I won’t stand to be treated this way or talked to like that and I deserve better. I am walking out of here and I want out of this.” I didn’t even slam the door behind me or anything. I got to my car and by the time I had got in, he was stood at the door with a stunned look on his face. I just drove off and didn’t look back. I hadn’t got far round the corner when he phoned me. I answered, pressed speaker phone and told him I’d pull over as I was driving. I’ll cut this part short but basically I was sat there in a layby in my car having a major panic attack, crying my eyes out with my window wipers going because I was crying so much I couldn’t find my hazard warning lights (ohh it was pouring down with rain too). I had him on the end of the phone asking begged me to go back, to give him a chance to talk properly and say sorry to me properly too. He told me he loved me and all I could think to say was that it didn’t feel like he loved me at all. My phone went dead and I lost the signal. I sat there knowing I was a wreck, but knowing I would be MORE of a wreck if I ended up driving away and leaving it like that. Even if it was over I hadn’t wanted it to be like that.

As soon as my car pulled up outside his door he was there on the pathway. He kept thanking me over and over again for going back, said he’d thought he would possibly never see me again and that the thought of losing me had just crushed him. He said … in between tears … that he thought he knew what was going on and why we’ve been arguing such a lot. I told him that if he had even the remotest idea than I very much wanted to hear it. He also kept saying he was so very sorry …

He told me he’d realised a couple of months ago that he’d fallen more and more in love with me and said he should have just told me. He went on to say that he felt what he’d been doing was pushing me away instead of holding me closer because he’d been so scared of getting hurt again. I have trouble understanding just why you would push somebody away if you are in love with them … but I understand about being scared of getting hurt – HELLO!

The conversation that came out of that was something very different for us. Instead of laying blame, making me feel like a piece of shit and then saying it wasn’t about blame … AP admitted he had possibly he had baited me for arguments but not realising he had been doing it at the time and without the intention of actually creating one. I felt such a weight lift from my shoulders because it was like I AM NOT FRIGGING CRAZY OR IMAGINING THIS! Some of our arguments come from out of absolutely nowhere and leave my jaw on the floor.

We were both able to sit there and say well okay, yes hands up, I admit I can be guilty of doing that and I’ll watch out for that in the future. He also recognised that I had been making a lot of effort in our relationship and he’d noticed that there had been several occasions recently where I could have stormed off during an argument (not including today!!) but hadn’t – because I’d made a promise to try not to and stuck to it – or at least made a really good attempt to! The same with hanging up on the phone too – I promised him I’d try to do that less. He’d noticed that after I promised him I’d make more of an effort to say what was on my mind when he asked instead of a standard “fine” in reply - that I actually had been fessing up and saying “okay I have something on my mind” or “something is bugging me, can I ask you a question?”

Basically he noticed and mentioned all of the little things I’d been doing and he hadn’t and he was so very very sorry. Especially for the name calling. He has promised me that it will never ever happen again. He said sorry for the shouting, for the talking over me because he did know he was doing it at the time.

I let him do a lot of the talking … it’s a really really long story and it’s already gone 1am now, but cutting it very short … he asked me to give him another chance and told me I would never ever doubt his love ever again. I said sorry for all of the things I’ve ever said that have hurt his feelings because honestly and truly – I don’t want to hurt this man! I love him!

He also said he’d get some clearasil for his spotty bum :-p

There is too much that is too good about us to let this go without really REALLY giving us a chance to shake our baggage once and for all. When we aren’t arguing (which admittedly has been a lot recently!) it is sooooo amazing between us. He told me that before the arguing started and during the good bits between the arguing, he was walking around on cloud nine and his feet weren’t even touching the floor. I was the same and had a permanent goofy grin on my face because I was so happy! We both want that back again.

He’s prepared to put in the effort too and we both talked about things that we can do to make it easier for the other person. For example I told him that even though it drove me absolutely nuts that he kept calling me last night, I would probably have been more hurt if he’d just disappeared and not even attempted to contact me, so that was definitely a good thing. I said please please if you need a hug and I’m not getting the vibe because I am off in another world or stewing so badly in silence during an argument, then ask me for one or just bloody well come and put your arms round me and get one! Equally I’ll try to snap myself out of things and be the one to ask for a hug first more often when things are at that “almost resolved but still a bit awkward” stage. He promised me he truly hadn’t meant what he’d said about the lying, cheating piece of scum comment and apologised over and over for it. It was a heat of the moment piece of trash meant to hurt my feelings because he needed to lash out. It was uncalled for, unnecessary and he truly will beat himself up for it longer than I ever could or would anyway!

As long as we can learn from this horrible couple of months and come out of it a stronger couple and more in love, then it will have been worth it. Just no more frigging arguments please!!!

Lying, Cheating piece of scum…

“It’s hard when your girlfriend is a lying, cheating piece of scum” – AP’s words in the aftermath of an argument that started earlier today (after something I’d said last night that hurt his feelings) and carried on over the phone this evening when the kids came home.

It’s all way too long and complicated to explain in full, but apparently because he phoned back to apologise right away and because he has never ever indicated that he feels I actually AM a lying, cheating piece of scum that I should accept his apology for calling me one!

I’ll be as “brief” as I can … I need to put this day to bed. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve had enough of today.

To be truthful I don’t remember whether there was a few seconds or a lot of seconds before I spoke after that, but all I could muster up to say was “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel then” and put the phone down. He called back straight away to apologise and said it was out of frustration and anger and that of course he didn’t mean it… I’ve ignored his calls ever since other than to answer one and say to please just leave me alone because I didn’t want to speak to him. I very calmly said thank you for the apology and that I just didn’t want to talk. I haven’t counted the number of calls I ignored – it’s a lot.

Last night when we were laying in bed, I made a comment in reference to spotty bums. He said my arse was just about as spotty as his was, and I said that I didn’t have a very spotty arse! This upset him, but because I’d inadvertantly said that he does have – which – if we’re telling the truth here – he does actually have a spotty bum! We’d both been drinking and I was tired, I hadn’t realised it had upset him until this morning. I woke up at 6am to find him laying there wide awake saying he hadn’t slept at all, telling me I’d been rolling away from him during the night … he got up and went downstairs and I followed him down a few minutes later. He didn’t say anything then. We went back up to bed, and when we woke up properly a few hours later, I hurried myself in getting ready to leave because I knew he had to be back for his dog. The atmosphere was tense, but he didn’t say anything about being upset … I assumed he was quiet because of what happened BEFORE the comment (which I’m not even going to go into right now!!!)

I’m cutting out some details to get as much out as I possibly can …

As soon as I realised I’d hurt his feelings, I apologised – or tried to … he spent a great deal of time trying to explain exactly how his feelings were hurt and whenever he said something I felt he’d assumed wrong or wasn’t true, I had to bite my tongue or he’d shoot me a filthy look and walk off – which he did a couple of times. I purposely MAKE myself not react aloud and just let him finish speaking. I felt unable to try to explain that his assumptions weren’t true, for fear of being accused of interrupting … so when he stopped talking mid-sentence, I said nothing … and then I was in the wrong because I hadn’t said anything.

Whatever I did I was in the wrong and I am NOT saying that to make myself sound like a matyr because that’s what AP accuses me of if I come out with anything remotely like that in conversation! It DOES feel like it! AP had wanted a hug with the apology. He said to me later on that’s all he’d wanted … just a hug. I didn’t hug him which led to him being more pissed off with me because I should KNOW that he wants a hug and sometimes *I* should just hug him… apparently. It’s also not okay for me to reply that I’m not a mind reader and that sometimes he should say he needs a hug… because see previous comment on how he’s mentioned this before and that sometimes it’s nice to just be hugged!

Our last argument I was in the wrong because I offered a hand as a peace offering instead of giving him a hug… also apparently I stop abuptly mid-sentence almost as if I am about to break up with him – this is a pattern and I do it all the time. Actually I have very much been working on myself with things like that. I used to have a habit of walking out and hanging up the phone on him all the time … but these days my feet stay firmly glued on the floor and unless I’ve really been pushed … like being called a lying, cheating piece of scum … I try very hard not to get angry and hang up the phone but to just stay quiet and breathe. In a mirror image world, I see a similar thing from the other point of view … that he is almost baiting me to get me to break up with him. Whenever this is mentioned (he has brought this up before) I’ve told him that just because we have an argument does not mean I assume automatically that things are over. The problem is … the more we are arguing, the less I am seeing the sunnier side.

The lying, cheating piece of scum refers back to when I briefly earned some money escorting. AP and I had a brief and intense “affair” that lasted about 4 months and he ended it ultimately because I was married. We had a period after our “affair” had ended and I was still living with my ex-husband (but marriage was over) where AP and I were just friends and would see each other a few times a week for a cuppa or a smoke. He sees it that we were still “involved” with each other and he didn’t see anyone else, so when he found out I’d been escorting he saw it as cheating on him. I had no idea at the time that he even remotely saw us as a couple because he’d ended our affair and we weren’t being sexual or intimate with each other. The lying part is because when he confronted me and asked me if I had anything to tell him, I said no and because I didn’t fess up – something I was deeply embarrassed about and had told NOBODY about at the time … it made me a liar.

The piece of scum part? Ack I don’t know … maybe that bit is warranted?

I deeply regret that part of my life. I did it to pay off a big bill that wolves weren’t just beating down the door for … they were literally about to unscrew the hinges and walk off with the fucking thing. If I actually had any clue whatsoever that AP still saw us as together at that point then my behaviour & actions would have been very different.

UPDATE – I did answer a few more of his calls in the end because he just kept ringing. It led to more shouting, more of me asking him NOT to shout at me, him telling me he wasn’t shouting, me telling him I wasn’t listening as he was shouting so much I had to hold the phone away from my ear …

Eventually … after a few more phone calls, he broke down crying and had to hang up… but not after apologising saying that maybe my life would be better without him in it.  He did text and say sorry for hanging up because he was crying too much to talk.

He also calls me melodramatic.

Somehow this will end up being twisted into making something that was about him into something about me … I can see it already.

A wall of tired!

One good thing about the kids being off school for half term is that I don’t have to get up at 6.30am, but at the same time I don’t like to sleep in too long either or it ends up completely wasting the entire day.

It’s VERY difficult juggling the housework, shopping, laundry, bills, errands and children and work and my relationship with AP when they are off school as they need entertaining! I’m self employed, so I am the boss which makes it a lot easier than some other single parents, but I have to take them down to my premises with me and they get soooo bored… which means I end up not getting as much done as I should … which means orders are delayed. The post office is also having major strikes at the moment and there is now a strike on for the next three days and things are then delayed even MORE before they get to the customers.

UGH it is so frustrating. I wish there were more hours in the day and more days in the week to get everything done because it always gets to late at night and I find I have run out of time to get everything done. Once the time has gone there is no way to get it back again and I find that I kick myself so much for wasting time. For example when I’ve spent an hour just sat on facebook doing pointless quizzes or playing Solitaire in the middle of the day … I could have been sorting out paperwork, tackling a chunk of the ironing, working on the website, cleaning the bathroom or even taking a short nap let alone one of eleventy hundred other things on my “to do” list … *sigh* I need to make better use of my time.

I fell asleep on AP last night – ooopsie! The kids were at their dad’s, AP and I had shared a bottle of wine, just started on the second, were in a half state of nakedness and … the alcohol just hit and I had to lay down and go to sleep!! I entirely blame the fact that I had been so flippin’ knackered earlier in the day and hadn’t managed to get everything done – or find time for an hour’s nap – or eat anything and the alcohol just went straight to my head!!

I’m just soooooo tired …………

Just another manic Monday!

I finally faced one of the dreaded tasks I’d been putting off for a while today, and it turned out not to be quite as scary as I’d expected… I phoned the bank! My business bank account is in a hell of a state and I’ve been avoiding looking at it for way too long. The result is that although it is still scary, it is actually significantly less scary than I had anticipated! That was a weight off my shoulders!

Tonight AP came over and helped me to design new labels for my products as well. We spent a good couple of hours huddled in front of the computer working on the layout and graphics for it, and it has to be said – the new labels look terrific! I have to order in the new sized shiny label paper but hopefully that won’t take too long to get here. AP and I do work really well as a team too … just as he was about to say “move it across to the left a bit” … my hand was hovering over the mouse to move it over to the left a bit! We were just really on the same wavelength.

I love that he believes in what I do and my products … he must do or he wouldn’t have already forked over £1500 to help me get out of my last sticky situation! I knew it before that anyway, but if there was ever a quiver of doubt then it was that!

Okay I’m knackered – it’s too late and I’ll catch up with my head another time as my pillow is calling …….

We HAVE to stop arguing

 We argued … again, and again it was over something so utterly pointless.  I use the term arguing loosely because what it actually ended up as was six hours of almost silence, and the quietness was quite literally deafening. Thankfully the TV was on, so we had something to vaguely stare at between huffing, deep breathing and the odd comment…

It started off earlier in the day because he felt I was hurrying him – which I wasn’t – I was just trying to be organised and get work done – as we both were, but that created some bad atmosphere which led to a “disagreement” … We sorted out that part, but in the middle of the “sorting out”, we ended up having an argument about the way we were making up from the disagreement!!

The first bit was all during the day on Saturday. We’d done the initial sorting out by around 6pm at work and at his place, and we came back to my place for the night (kids with their dad this weekend). The atmosphere wasn’t brilliant admittedly and AP asked me if I was okay and commented on the lack of intimacy and hugs. He sat back on the sofa (I was sat next to him) and I reached out my hand to his. A little while later I asked him if he was okay and he said the same thing again about lack of hugs … and again I reached out my hand. To me, that was a way of breaking the ice and saying that yes I agree the atmosphere is crap, but because there is an atmosphere between us, it feels uncomfortable to jump straight into a hug… it was a starting point.

The first time one of my cats jumped onto my lap, and as my glass was in my other hand, I broke away from the hand holding to stroke the cat – then the second time AP broke the hand holding to get a cigarette.

The worse atmosphere, the argument and the silence started not after that. He was pissy with me because he’d asked me if I was okay, commented on the atmosphere, I’d held his hand and he’d held mine back. What I realised in retrospect was that maybe even without realising it, he felt it was my “turn” maybe to make the next gesture?  I do a bit, he does a bit, I do a bit etc. Possibly from his point of view it had been mentione that there were no hugs, and he only got offered a hand twice … which he held both times (he made a big point of mentioning that he’d held my hand and hadn’t pushed me away) so, maybe it was his way of looking to say that he needed a hug or ask me for a hug without the fear of rejection or being pushed away himself?

AP doesn’t walk away from an argument and if he does – he will be back or he’ll call. If there is unfinished business he’ll be on my doorstep and on Saturday he actually used his key to walk straight into my house to get things sorted after I’d driven off from his place. He always calls, he’ll always make a move to fix things and he’ll keep on calling me until I either switch my phone off, or answer it to ask him to stop calling so I can try to go to sleep. Sometimes I need to stop being so damned stubborn.

I was angry back because I couldn’t believe that me offering him a hand instead of a hug was part of what led to the six hours silence – now to be known only as “The Great Silence of 2009″ but I am honestly convinced he was sat there almost waiting for me to ask him to leave or waiting for me to announce it was all over. I didn’t.

It got to past 2.30am and I’d had enough. At one point he just would not talk to me at all. He was just so fumingly quiet in his anger and frustration and “he’d told me twice already” what was bugging him. I was saying “AP, AP please talk to me …” and crying my eyes out. At one point I said “Well look ok if you aren’t going to talk to me you can just there in silence all night.” Just as the words were out of my mouth he said “Ohhh there it is, that beautiful sentence we’ve been waiting for…” and by that time I’d lost all track of what I’d said in the previous sentence so I had no idea what he was talking about and he wouldn’t tell me either. I think I figured it out right that he thought I said he should go home instead of sit there in silence. Like I say, that’s just what I think not necessarily what was actually going on in his head.

Eventually he came upstairs, asked if it was okay to sleep in the bed (I was on top of the covers at the time) and what I really should have done is hugged him as soon as he got in bed instead of turning away… we both went to sleep fairly quickly as it was around 3.15am by then.

I’ve done a lot of reading on the internet about arguments in relationships and admittedly I have wondered whether we argue too much, but from what I’ve read, most people seem to agree it’s more about HOW you argue. AP and I seem to measure up okay there. It’s not down to bad personal habits, major issues, political/religious views, ideas on the future or anything like that … ohhh no we argue about such stupid and pointless stuff that in retrospect seems so petty when you break it down and look at it.

 Neither AP or I want to end what we’ve got! The good stuff FAR outweighs the bad stuff and our stupid crappy arguments and not once during the middle of that did I think I needed to walk away! I did have several moments of needing s-p-a-c-e and quiet away from the utter silence in my lounge which involved sitting in my garden for a cigarette or taking longer than I needed when I went up to the loo to pee. The worst was when I walked out this morning because I was just …. so …. RAAAAAAAA. I took 15 minutes, went for a drive down the road and came straight back again. He was still sat on the sofa – hadn’t left.

Yelling only fuels the fire. I must remember this because I DO shout back at him when I feel he’s shouting at me. It’s very difficult to shout and scream at somebody who just stands there and lets you get it all out – whether it’s him OR me doing the shouting at the time. It doesn’t help and only drags things out making them last longer … 6 frigging hours longer than necessary.

Sometimes A lot of the time I am stubborn. I’ll think these great things to say in my head … then pause too long before saying them out loud because of the atmosphere, by which time AP has said something else that would make my thing sound like I was just agreeing with him or being flippant! GRRRR. I need to remember that if it is not a situation big enough to really fire up the big guns then it is NOT worth arguing about even if it means swallowing pride a little more often. A hug from someone who loves you … it’s a simple thing and it doesn’t cost a penny but has a value more than anything else in the world.

We do invariably talk though. We do our best talking AFTER the argument has been solved and we’ve had a hug, then talked and argued about the leftover niggles, then while we’re having that next hug - that will be where it is talked about softly and calmly. It’s hard to feel negatively about somebody that is holding you tightly and telling you they love you even though you are in the middle of a horrid row!!

The “Stop And Hug” rule for arguments is one of my very favourite things in the world and it’s a rule I invented Once you agree to the rule it means that no matter what … no matter WHAT – if your other half asks you for a hug in the middle of an argument then you MUST comply! Even if you are sat there thinking “grrrr” and “raaaaa” with a face like thunder and wishing you had a wax doll to stick pins into … if the rule is evoked then a hug must happen.

It takes balls and courage to admit okay, we’re being stupid and I’ll drop the grrrrr and raaaa and put away my wax doll … but it takes more balls to ask for the hug in the first place. “I need a hug” are all the words you will ever need to diffuse the tension and get things on a talking level again.

I’m going to try to learn from this and remember “The Great Silence of 2009″ as one a never want to re-visit. I am really going to make an effort to change my attitude towards our arguments, and remember that I am happy! I love AP and he loves me … he’s proven that over and over again (not that he has to prove anything!!) and that if we don’t stop the arguing we’re going to lose this beautiful thing that we have in every single other part of our relationship.

Okay I’m shattered and my eyes look like piss holes in the snow. Time for bed with sweet dreams.

He’s my rock

AP has been absolutely amazing. Not only did he show up here the other night with £1500 in cash for me to help me get a big debt paid off and make the bailiff go away … but he was also here when the bailiff arrived on the doorstep to collect it the following morning. He made damned sure he was here well before Bailiff Bloke rang the doorbell as he did not want me in the house by myself when I handed over that much cash. It meant so much that I hadn’t even had to ASK him if he’d come over and be here with me – he just knew I’d need him and assumed he’d be here.

My boyfriend is my best friend, my partner, my equal and my everything. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

The weight that was lifted from my shoulders after clearing that much from a debt (£2,200) in CASH all in one hit was phenomenal. I literally felt the bubbles rising up and the weight just disappearing from me – I felt about 50lbs lighter just from stress relief. I still have a LOT to figure out financially and a LONG way to go until I am even close to being back at zero again, but it’s been down to AP – so much of it.

If it hadn’t been for him the other day, then I would have lost my TV, my new PC, my stereo, the games consoles, my car … it would all have been gone as that guy was a real CUNT and scared the crap out of me on the doorstep. He was absolutely there for me in a way that a boyfriend and partner really should be – to back you up and support you no matter what, and do whatever the hell it is that they can to get you out of the shit that you are in. It’s what you do for each other. I would have done exactly the same if the situation was reversed and I had cash to “spare” in my rainy day fund or the “muscle” to be there as support when a bailiff turned up!

It was Wednesday night last night … AP stayed over here and all I’ll say is ***** GRIN *****

Well ok I’ll say a little more than that! We’ve always been able to be very free and open with each other intimately and sexually and it’s always been one of the sexiest things about “us” … the talking and winding each other up! I suggested something to AP a little while ago that was just an “I-haven’t-overly-been-thinking-about-this-or-anything-but-now-I’m-thinking-about-it-and-it-sounds-quite-horny-and-I-fancy-trying-it” kinda thing … I’m NOT going into detail but it took something he suggested as a fantasy that we do quite often, that little further – his eyes widened at the prospect and last night we tried it out. OH WOW!

Both of us collapsed afterwards in a naked, sweaty, heavy-breathing heap on the floor just grinning like great big grinning things, and alternating between looking at each other, grinning again and trying to catch our breath!

I have NEVER had a relationship like this before. I have NEVER felt so comfortable with someone that I could turn around and ASK them outright for something sexually let alone tentatively suggest it which is all I’ve ever done in the past for something very mild and vanilla with my ex-husband!! I’ve never EVER had someone turn around to me and ask the same either and for us both to know that we are on such a similar level that even if what is suggested isn’t something that we’d ever even thought of before, the reply is “well hell yeah I’ll try it and if I like it, we’ll try it again just to be sure, and if I really like it then we’ll just have to practice at it – a lot.” We both did a fair bit of experimenting before we met each other and I actually think from what he’s said … my past number/experimentation is a lot more kinky than his, but to be able to actually say that err there’s a huge long list of things we’ve done together that are firsts for the pair of us is … well yeah that’s pretty new

It’s not just the amazing sex though – it’s way deeper than that (pun intended LOL!)  I’ve said this all along … with AP it’s the everything else as well

An argument, a bailiff and wow

If I’d had a chance to write everything out properly on Monday night I would have been up until stupid o’clock … and probably waffled on unnecessarily about all of the gory details. Thankfully I found my friend LC online on facebook and after crying my eyes out in an online chat to her and getting it all out, I managed to calm down.

AP and I had a stupid argument that wasn’t even an argument until we started arguing about the lead up to the argument!! It sounds just as crazy as it actually was … and that was the whole point – it was SO stupid. Basically AP thought I was annoyed and pissed off … even though i wasn’t and he kept asking me what was wrong … but nothing was wrong! I did have a few niggly bits on my mind, but nothing to do with “us” … just the aggro I’m getting from my son and his behaviour at the moment, my money worries … nothing major, nothing new and all it was …. was trying to crack on with work and get stuff done as quickly as possible. I wanted to work with no interruptions – or as few as possible so that I could get everything done and have time left for us to spend together.

What I learned from it is that no matter how niggly or minor – and even if it is nothing to do with “us” … I should tell him what was on my mind even if it is something ridiculous and tiny like what to cook for dinner or that I’ve realised I’ve run out of  fabric softener. He – and men in general love to fix things. I’m not generalising about the male species here – it’s TRUE. Men have an inbuilt need to make things right and it drives them insane – especially when they think there is something that needs fixing and they can’t fix it. It is a similar thing with a woman’s insistence on saying “I’m fine” when we clearly aren’t.

I’m not going to go over the ins and outs of the argument … we tried to resolve it over the phone yesterday after I’d picked the kids up so that he could come over here last night … and although we tried, we both still had niggles that needed to be talked about and we have BOTH agreed that this talking lark is actually a very good thing. It can piss the other person off at the time, but saying what is on your mind is MUCH better than letting things bug you! It’s a new thing for both of us and it is taking some getting used to, but we’re trying.

AP ended up storming out of here at 11.30pm last night. I was so utterly dumfounded and I’d really expected him to come back a few minutes later but he didn’t and I was a wreck. If my friend LC hadn’t been online then I would probably have been through all the wine in the fridge, drunk myself into a stupor and been awake all night. AP started calling about 15 minutes later – when he would have got home … and he didn’t stop calling.

I answered about the 4th call just to ask him to stop calling. He’d walked out and I was not in any frame of mind to talk over the phone… but the arguing just started again. I was still chatting online to LC and she was pretty much insisting I switched off the phone … so I did.

Life has a funny way of throwing you your good friends just when you need them the most, and all three of my bestest (real life) friends in the whole wide world have totally been there for me ! LC caught me online last night when I was at a real low and we’ve chatted via online message today, then TW was there this evening and called me for a proper talk after a brief online chat, and EJ sent me an online message saying “update meeeeeee!!!!” that came through while I was in the middle of a 45 minute call to TW!! My online friends too … those of you that post on my facebook status or PM me asking me about the glitter trail when I have posted a status update that implies something bad but not updated my blog … thank you to you guys too … and BC – although we only tend to talk via my blog at the moment, your thoughts and input are so important to me. You’ve become a real friend over the last couple of years. Whenever I post about an argument with AP I just know you’ll be sat there with guns blazing ready to fire off when needed! You have my back and I love you for it.

This morning I knew he’d call so I just switched my phone off as soon as I’d got the kids to school. I needed to wait in for a delivery for work, so it was convenient to grab my duvet and just bury myself on the sofa until the delivery man rang the doorbell … or till AP rang the doorbell!!

Okay so yes, he was persistent, but if it were the other way around I would be even more pissed off!! If he just walked away and never called me … or never came over and made an attempt to resolve things, then … well that would be even worse. I AM GLAD he came over.

We sat there in silence for a little bit, then hugged and talked. The “stop and hug” rule is such a good one We both knew we had been ridiculous and that it was such a stupid thing to get wound up with each other about! We argue over such flippin’ stupid stuff too! We seem to have had quite a few arguments recently, but they aren’t exactly about major issues or about things that really make a difference to our lives! It usually starts off as a misunderstanding or something mis-heard which creates a weird atmosphere that we both allow to build up. We don’t ever have any arguments about issues, or big massive problems in our relationship – it’s only ever over such stupid stuff (read not stupid at the time LOL) if we had huge problems that couldn’t be overcome then I would be worried!

ANYWAY ……. the other major part of today … I had a bailiff on my door again and this time he had a warrant to come in and take my stuff. It’s a long story but it’s to do with the business rates on my work premises. What I thought I was already paying off is apparently only one of two outstanding bills for business rates for the last two years that together amount to around £4k including costs. I managed to buy myself a few hours grace to get him to go away and come back a couple of hours later because I genuinely and honestly was so utterly confused by the whole thing and needed to speak to his office. I even showed him my receipt for payment when the last bailiff turned up on my door and that it had been agreed that by pretty much emptying my bank account at the time, it would be acceptable to pay by installments and the same guy even dropped in the payment slips for me so I could pay it over the counter directly at the bank. I couldn’t understand how it had ended up at that point …

THANK FUCK that AP was here. If he hadn’t been here then I dread to think what sort of state I would have got myself into. AP was asking me all kinds of questions about it that I just didn’t have answers for, so he got me to phone the bailiff. AP had such a helpless look on his face while I was on the phone because he could tell it was a mean and nasty CUNT that I was talking to. Believe me I hate that word and use it very sparingly. AP literally took the phone out of my hand and took over the conversation with the awful man. It was exactly what I needed as I was getting myself wound up and flustered. Somehow AP managed to ask the questions and get the answers.

Bailiffs do *not* actually have the power to badger you and ultimately they are bound if you make a payment offer even at a late date to get them to GO AWAY. The bailiff told him that he needed a minimum £1600 ($2600 in USD for my American friends) by tomorrow morning or he’d be calling back to take my belongings because I’d previously signed something called a Walking Posession Order when the last bailiff called. TW pointed out to me that the WPO was for the other debt that I’d agreed installments on and therefore not applicable to the current situation … but ultimately it came down to me still having two debts and both needed paying.

I did have a leg to stand on because of the whole confusion on the two different debts as I’d thought it was a single balance I owed … and the office did agree with me on that, but the other side of ultimately is that I still owe the money either way. It is as black & white as that, and as AP points out to me, until my business has absolutely NO DEBTS whatsoever then it has no chance of making any money because even every single penny that I get personally is ultimately payable to my business to clear the debts. He is right, but even he said that obviously you can’t live like that and you have to pay bills, buy food, afford two children etc … but his point is that the sooner the debts are paid off … the sooner I get to actually breathe and sleep properly instead of worrying, and the sooner I actually start to MAKE money back again. It’s either that or go bankrupt, close the doors on the biz and get a crappy job to fit in with school hours. This really is not an option!!

AP also doesn’t expect me to be able to magic money out of nowhere and an ideal world is just that! BUT he asked me how much I thought I could reasonably come up with towards it and still be able to live and I said I could withdraw £300 ($490USD) in cash from my bank account this afternoon as long as I had a very basic budget for next month, and that I could probably ask my mum for around £300-400 as a loan for a few months. AP said if I could come up with the £700 between me and what I could get from my mum, then he had £1,300 that he could give me towards it which would be £2k ($3,275 in USD for my American friends!) The bailiff only needs £1600 to go away, so to give him what he wants plus as much extra as I can scrape together towards the rest of the debt could only go in my favour as far as getting them to put the rest on an installment plan and keeping the wolves from the door goes.

You have to love parents – even as a 34 year old independent woman I still every now and again have to borrow some cash from my mother! She’s loaned me before and because I do try to always pay her back as quickly as possible because it leaves the Bank Of Mum open for another loan in the future if it is needed!! She totally came through for me with £400 and she did a bank transfer so it went straight to my account so I can withdraw the cash in the morning for the bailiff.

THEN AP TURNED UP WITH £1,500 IN CASH FOR ME!

He is totally going without himself this month as well so that he could get me as much cash as possible and it isn’t a loan either. He said he’s been using my workplace as storage space for long enough and that it was about time he paid me some rent. He said he’d been planning on giving me some rent money all along to put towards my actual business rent at the premises, but that needs be as needs must and that it was more important to get the bailiff paid off right now. He has also offered to take care of paying my mum back because he knows that every single penny my business is making goes straight into the biz account to pay off the small business loan that I took out a few years ago and that all of the supplies I’ve bought for the business have come out of my own pocket too. He knows and he can see that I am doing as much as I can now and that my head IS motivated to sorting it all out.

I now have £2,200 in cash to give to the bailiff tomorrow morning which is enough to completely wipe out one of the two business rates debts, pay all of the bailiff costs and put a small dent into the other rates debt. the bailiff even said to me on the phone that if I paid the £1600 then that would be enough to set up an installment plan for £250 a month ($410USD) for the final balance over the next 5 months – until the new rates bill is due in April 2010.

AP plans on having my mother paid back within the month and another big £1,100 chunk of the business rates taken care of well before Christmas as a total of £3K that he has given me which he said covers his rent on my workspace for a year. He suggested that I can then take the £250 a month that I would have been putting aside for the bailiff and pay it straight to my landlord at work towards my rent debt there. I’ve been incredibly lucky that I’ve been given a year rent free at work – as long as I try to stay on top of the maintenance (electric, gas, water rates etc) then they will not worry about what I owe for now and review the situation in January. It is an incredibly generous offer and I need to be paying them something to keep them sweet as they have been extremely patient with me!

AP has been so incredibly amazing. It’s not even about the money, but the fact that he came straight over this evening to give me £1,500 in cash is beyond words and I am still speechless over that one. He’s been an absolute rock today. He was totally there for me when I was about to crumble, but with his help and knowing my friends were 100% there for me made such a difference to how the day actually turned out today.

AP is my partner in more ways than one. He’s not just my boyfriend and my “other half”, but he is genuinely my partner in all senses of the word. He wants to invest in me as a business partner and  use the money he’s making in dribs and drabs to actually invest in something he knows is worthwhile (ie me!) and make money for the pair of us in the future. He has some phenomenal ideas too for going forwards.

One thing I definitely know for absolute DEFINITE now if I had even an inkling of doubt before … AP is definitely just as in this for the long haul as I am or he just wouldn’t have moved heaven and hell to bring me £1500 in cash this evening. Again it’s not even just about the money – it’s the way he was 100% there for me in support when it came to crunch time regardless of whatever else was going on between us at the time.

AP is everything I have ever wanted in a man/partner! My ex drove me mad with his refusal to talk and the way he would bury his head in the sand, not even acknowledging that there was even a problem in the first place! AP won’t even let it go an hour before phoning me or showing up on the doorstep if I don’t answer. We do have our problems, but at the end of the day they are such stupid minor ones – nothing that relates to anything major, and nothing we can’t work out or move past. We argue for … well, I am still trying to work that one out.

Today was a real wake up call … in so many senses of the word. My relationship, my business and even my kids/parenting skills to a certain degree with everything else going on with my son and his behaviour right now!!!

I learned a lot today, but above all else I really know without a shadow of a doubt that AP really really and truly does love me. Not just that, but he loves me more than I think I have ever been loved before – even by my husband at the happiest point of our marriage! His love seems to be as unconditional as that of a parent or established family member and this is all new on me. No matter how deep the d0-do gets for me with money and debts, my son or anything else …. AP is there absolutely and unequivocably without a doubt in support and motivation. The next time we argue, I need to remember just how much he does love me and maybe be the first to back down and ask for a hug more often!

We HAVE agreed that talking properly has been a new and very different thing for both of us and that it is taking some getting used to in order to be completely open and honest about things that are on our minds. Sometimes you need to think about things to yourself before you talk to your other half to make sure you’ve thought it through properly … we both agree on this and both still need to learn to give each other the leeway and trust that the other WILL talk … when they are ready.

So that is my last 48 hours … and now I am going to bed!!

I HATE being ill!!!

I hate loathe and despise being ill. It seems a silly thing to say because I can’t think of anybody who actually enjoys being ill … except maybe my kids as it would give them an excuse to stay off school …

Being ill gives me far too many excuses to procrastinate about everything, do absolutely nothing and yet still complain about how much I have still to do. I do this on a daily basis – I do not need extra help from being ill!! My house didn’t get cleaned for three days straight and when I attempted a clean up today when I actually felt a bit better, my vacuum cleaner broke. I gave up!

AP has been ill too – we’ve had a variation of the same thing and mine is a few days ahead of his, so whatever stage I’ve got to – he’s known he’s had that coming next. We’ve been through the coughing and sneezing – a tickly cough to start with, then going down onto your chest leading to a throat/chest infection and wheezing, followed by the aching bones, headaches, sweats and cold shivers. If the joy of that wasn’t enough, the final bit seems to be SLEEP of a ridiculous amount and a general feeling of groggyness!!

I slept for 15 hours on Friday night. In fact I don’t even remember Friday night! I have had the kids with me this weekend and I was feeling so tired after dinner that I decided to take a little nap at 6.30pm. I set my alarm for two half an hour intervals so that the kids could have some computer time (half an hour each) while I napped. The idea was that when the first alarm went off, I’d tell them to swap over … this all worked without a hitch, and then when the second alarm went off … which should have been at 7.30pm, I would sort out bedtime snacks & drinks and get them ready for bed.

Unfortunately my second alarm never went off! It was only when AP called me at 10.30pm that I actually woke up!! I had a panic about whether it was 10.30 AM or AP … then once I’d figured that out, I came downstairs to find my daughter just vegged out in front of the TV and my son still playing on my computer. I put the kids to bed and after a three hour nap, I slept for another twelve hours straight. I guess I needed it!!

The kids don’t really seem to have been affected by it. They aren’t coughing or sneezing at all. I reckon they have built up an immunity to it at school and are just bringing all of the bugs home to share … that I then go share with AP!

In the meantime though I haven’t been slacking, I’ve been slogging through it. You kind of have no choice when you are a single parent because no matter how crappy you feel, you still have to get up, make breakfast, make packed lunches, iron school uniform and help with homework as well as solve the mysteries of the universe … all on a weekday before 8.30am!

I’ve also done a LOT of work on my business website over the last few days updating it with new stuff, getting old stuff back online etc. I have to admit – the facebook product fan page was a bloody genius idea of mine! I’ve only really been promoting it for a few days, and at least half of the fans of my products are people I do not know. Bearing in mind I asked all of my friends to become fans first (they’ve all tried my products anyway! LOL) so that there were at least some fans there already … but every single one of those people I don’t know is a potential new customer.

I love facebook for the way it updates your friends that John Smith has become a fan of big blue cars for example. All of John Smith’s friends will get that update in their news feed … and then they can click on the link to become a fan of big blue cars too! All of the updates that big blue cars send out then go to John AND his friends.

My products are very female oriented, but I’ve noticed men have become fans too – and that is interesting. AP has been saying for a while that I need to target men more, so maybe some facebook updates about gifts for wives & girlfriends wouldn’t go amiss in the run up to Christmas…. hmmmm!

Even though I’ve been ill, I have been feeling very motivated about doing stuff that I can get done sat in front of the computer! I’ve updated the website, updated the facebook product page, put orders in for new supplies, worked on new stationary … and it’s been really good to hear the bing bong of email, then to check and see it’s another new order.

Money worries me a lot. The business has SO much debt and every single penny that it makes in orders goes to pay off my business loan – a short term solution a while back that has bit me in the ass ever since. All of the supplies I am buying to keep my business going are coming out of my own personal pocket. I have budgeted fairly well over the last year since I left my ex and I’ve been living in this house, and I’ve managed to live just below my income level so I’d built up some funds in the bank. Most of that has gone now on a new computer when my laptop went fizz bang, when the bailiffs turned up on my door looking for business rates payment from last year and demanded a bulk payment, when I spent a fortune on new clothes for the kids (damn them for growing!) … ohh and when I had to replace two tyres plus the spare on my car – that helped eat into my funds! I’m sure there is more, I just don’t want to think about it!!

Thankfully I know I can live on less than I actually get in tax credits and child benefit each week … just …

There’s still some left in my “rainy day” fund and although most of it is budgeted for Christmas, I need to replenish my supplies. I’ve just put in an order for the main ingredient in my products so I have enough to be able to fill any orders that come through the website now … plus I ordered what I’ll call “froofy bits” – the added extras that entice customers to buy! I can’t go into more detail without giving my business away and I NEED to stay anonymous on here. What I WILL say though is that within minutes … literally minutes of adding my new “froofy bits” to the website – I had an order. What can ya say to that?!?!?!

It’s been an interesting few days …

Things with AP? Absolutely brilliant. It’s been 4 days since the night he sat there and talked to me about what had been bugging him and honestly I don’t think it has been a problem since then… at least as not as far as I can tell. We’ve been loving and intimate and even had the “houses we could move into together” conversation again while looking at dream houses online! He sent me a link to a few 4 bed houses to rent in the area (me & him, the kids & a computer/work room) and said how much it would be each if we split the rent in half. He did admit he said it to see what my reaction would be and to see if I would be scared by it! I wasn’t scared at all and I told him that!

I wonder why he thinks I would be scared though … the idea of being together for the rest of our lives isn’t exactly a subject we’ve avoided! I know he wants to settle down, get a house, work hard and have a family … and he knows I am family oriented, want more children and also want more out of my business too! We’ve talked about marriage and the future as much as a couple can without the assumption of an imminent proposal. Of COURSE I want to live with him!! Maybe I need to make that more obvious!?!

I did tell him that I didn’t feel restricted or confined by my current area either. He is just a town over from me – a 6-10 minute drive depending on traffic, so that’s nothing. I told him I’d happily move anywhere within a 30 minute drive without worrying too much about moving the kids schools right away, and anything a bit further afield could just be worked on for the right place.

I think my problem is after years of being ignored by my ex-husband or cheated on by my exes in general … I am convinced that the fairytale never exists. There IS no happily ever after … or is there? I am so much in love with AP and everything about him just screams at me to grab him with both arms and never ever let him go, but I am soooooo scared to let go completely. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we move in together and it doesn’t work? It’s not just me and him, it’s him and me plus my kids. It’s a huge responsibility for him to take on as well… but then again he wouldn’t have even suggested it if it wasn’t a serious possibility for the future, and like I said … we have talked about it before …

You know what? I think he really loves me.

He talked.

AP and I were up until gone 5am in the morning talking … and considering it was a very “sensitive” topic that could have easily erupted into an argument – I think we handled it really well. It got to a point where AP hadn’t wanted to finish a sentence because he hadn’t wanted to argue with me … I replied by saying I didn’t want to argue either, but I did want to talk … and that if we didn’t talk it would all still be there tomorrow.

Things that relate to your sex life or things on a personal level always make you want to automatically be defensive - which can provoke an unintentional argument, and AP have had way too many of those and we both hate arguing with each other!

I didn’t have to “nag” him to talk to me either, I didn’t need to. He knew I was waiting for him to say something and I knew ultimately that he would tell me when he was ready! We’ve promised each other we are going to be more up front if something is bugging one of us and I’ve made a real attempt to do that and realised that actually – it’s a really good thing to do! It may spark off an uncomfortable discussion or situation … but ultimately it makes the relationship better and stronger.

So, in part thanks to several vodka red bulls and a lot of smoking … he talked and we talked until very early in the morning … then we hugged, kissed, went to bed and well yes umm those details are private!! Flashback … Mmmmm …. anyway!

It stems back to stupid insenstive comments I made when I was drunk a very long time ago just after we first met about an ex that had a massive errr man bit, and I’d also mentioned about other exes in the past that were small… I’ve always complimented AP on how I love the shape of his, but because I have never ever said anything about the size of his or been specific about the size … it sparked off insecurities which led to bad thoughts that possibly our sex life was crap and that the sex wasn’t good enough or that he was small … none of which are true (in fact the opposite is true!) … the fact that I have trouble reaching orgasm without my vibrator doesn’t help either…

I still remember my ex-husband saying to me “Well you do have a fat arse” on our first wedding anniversary and that stuck hard and fast for many years (still bites now). I’ve felt insecure about my body for years and been to the verge of anorexia when I lost too much weight too quickly. It’s hard to let those things go so I get where it’s coming from. I have those same stupid paranoid thoughts myself and I do understand.

I feel so bad that *I* have caused him to feel that way because I know damned well he is everything I have ever wanted on a physical AND emotional level and so much more. I have never been in a relationship like this – with this depth or level of closeness, openness and intensity with my partner. I was married and never felt like this.

All’s well that ends well though  We’d talked about how we were both worried that a conversation like that would have a negative effect on our sex life, and we both had a wicked glint in our eyes as we simultaneously suggested that we should probably just double check and be absolutely sure that it wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward … and I can happily report that we worried for no reason!!

It was good to talk and I’ve learned a few lessons from it. I’ve learned I need to be as honest and open with AP as I possibly can be about my feelings and the things I worry about – even small and seemingly insignificant things, and to listen to him more when he talks to me and to notice sooner when he has things on his mind. I need to try to be more sensitive to his feelings and make more of an effort to TELL him as well as show him that I love him in all of the different ways that I do. I also need to remember that he really does love me and not to take thing so personally all of the time.

We slept until 11am and then spent the rest of the day at his place until I had to pick the kids up from their dad at 7pm. So much else has happened over the last 24 hours, but I am honestly too bloody knackered! I’ll catch up later!