I pretty much crashed after my last blog post and didn’t really get a chance to really go into detail … and I’m pretty knackered now, but … ahhh … life is good!

AP really has done HUGE amounts for my self confidence. I see the world SO differently now. I still suffer with my insecurities, but the time it takes me to take out my virtual “hitting stick” and whack myself around the head to tell myself I am being utterly ridiculous is getting less and less by the day … by the hour … by the minute!

He really is “different” from other men in so many ways. When women talk about “men” in general and how crap they are … I just cannot honestly include AP in that definition! he is one hundred percent about BALANCE and how things should be equal between partners. He is absolutely committed to complete honesty no matter what and out of everything that has happened between us in the past, *I* am the one with a whole lot more to be ashamed of than he has.

One thing that has really come out a LOT from our talks recently is that when I thought he’d “ended” our affair ( this would have been around Feb/March 2007 after meeting in Aug/Sept ‘06)  … he had never meant to actually “end” anything between us.  What he’d meant from that chat was that he felt he couldn’t be anything more to me at the time because I was married to someone else and living with someone else. He does though consider that we have been together and involved with each other for the past three years… I love that he thinks that way

Every time I think about AP I just smile!! I am SO MUCH in love with this man! Every time we watch something on TV there will be something that comes up that leads to a conversation about what is wrong with the world and wrong with relationships and how it is just SO much easier if people just talk to each other FFS!

I love that he’s MET everyone now! I didn’t really post about my birthday party on Saturday night as AP was really not well at all … and it mainly consisted of my friend JH making a bit of a pratt of herself! She was rude to AP, interfered in another couple that was there and then her fiance had to peel her off of one of my male friends that was there to take her home! I’m in a difficult place on that one as JH is a real life friend, but I haven’t known her for very long so it’s really tricky to know what to do. I’m not going to go into detail on that one as I am still not entirely sure how to handle it. I was honest with AP about girl’s night and what happened there … and then JH’s behaviour on Saturday night … well it didn’t do anybody any favours!

I’ve found a lot of old emails from AP and I early in our relationship and been reading through those tonight. It’s been really nice to read those in retrospect with hindsight and I CAN actually see how comitted he was to us and how much he DID love me right back in those very early days.

Yeah … life is good … I’m very happy and totally in love with my fella!!!

Sometimes things have to fall to pieces

because if they never fall to pieces … better things can never fall in their place!

That’s exactly how I feel right now. The relationship between AP and I has changed SO much over the last few weeks since splitting up and getting back together – and I have to admit – I really really really am happy!! AP and I have talked so much – so deeply and so late into the night about so much recently but I don’t feel as if my sleep has really suffered because so many other weights have been lifted! Our relationship is just everything you could ever want the text book definition of a relationship to be … considering we don’t live together and he’s only just recently met my children!

I told AP the truth about girl’s night a few weeks ago. It was just before we split up and I’d been to my friend JH’s for a few drinkies with my friend EJ … it all came out about how unhappy I was feeling in the relationship and basically JH took my phone, rang AP and fed him this elaborate line of complete bullshit. AP told me he already knew at the time – it’s why he hadn’t asked me any questions about it and why he was so quiet in the car on the way home when he’d picked me up that night… he knew he was being lied to… he just hadn’t wanted to make a scene over it and hoped I would tell him the truth by myself.

BUT he said to me that although it bothered him that I lied to him – he understood that there was a lot else going on at the time with us and that us splitting up and what came from that has been so much better than anything else before. He said “thank you, thank you for actually being honest and telling me the truth.” Honesty – it’s all any of us really want isn’t it!! I felt better after telling him because since we’ve been back together and SO much in love …  and he was just glad I’d been up front with him without prompting.

We talked about our past relationships and the feelings we felt for our ex partners, what made things go so wrong … and somehow it wasn’t at all emotional or difficult to handle like it would have been in the past. Somehow knowing that my boyfriend is so much in love with me puts a whole different layer of perspective on things and I was able to easily ask him questions and be completely up front about things  that bugged or bothered me and listen to his answers without getting wound up!! The crazy thing is that I already knew his answers. EVERYTHING he said to me just screamed so loudly that he IS one of life’s genuinely decent blokes and that I am really lucky to have him in my life.

Sunday morning, both of us commented on what a nice wake-up it was! I’d woken up a bit before him and gone to the toilet then snuck back into bed to curl up with him. He told me later that he’d been at that delicious “still-asleep-but-almost-awake” point and felt me snuggle into him and just spoon with him. He said that comfy warm and squishy feeling was one of the best in the world!!

Eventually we got out of bed and came downstairs … I went up for a shower after a while, and when I came back down I put him in charge of the remote control while I dried my hair. He ended up with the E! channel purely because it’s where you get all of the celebrity crap that he loves to pick to pieces. Anyway after the prog we were watching, there was this prog on with one of the girls that used to be in the Playboy Mansion and I found myself sitting there arguing with myself in my head about how the way I was feeling was PURE insecurity from my past and nothing at all to do with AP.

In the past I would have sat there watching him watch the attractive women on TV getting all paranoid and ridiculous about it all and bottled it all up! I found myself starting to clear off the coffee table and take the empty bottles from my party the night before (more about that in a separate post!!) into the kitchen and start cleaning up. I was stood there scrubbing my worktop when AP came in to see what I was up to. All of a sudden I thought “right, just tell him!” and I did … I told him how ridiculous and insecure I feel when there are attractive women on TV. He held me and i tried to push him away and get back to cleaning, but he wouldn’t let me. He held me, told me I was beautiful, told me he loved me and that the only reason he watches that crap is for the comedy value.

AP is a man unlike no other … I swear! He isn’t going to shit on me from a great height … he really really loves me

Official Birthday Report!!

I had the bestest most speshal birthday!! I really did have a great day from start to finish! When I woke up, I was given cards from the children and the words they had written inside off their own back … awww it made me cry! I got a text from AP at 7.45am to wish me a happy birthday, then I came downstairs to a TON of birthday wishes on facebook!

I knew AP had some errands to run in the morning and I’d already had my mum on the phone checking that I wasn’t going to be all by myself in the morning … LOL see me and birthdays just have this history of crying and lots of tears … my ex husband would *never* remember my birthday – it’s why I started up the tradition of planning my own party every year because if *I* took responsibility for it then I couldn’t blame anyone else if it all went horribly wrong … which it always did as my ex husband would never remember! I have planned my own birthday since I was 28 … I’m 34 now!

This year was SO different!

AP came over about 11am … and in the two hours since dropping the kids off at school before he got here … I had completely cleaned my house! Ohhh that made me so happy! No kids in the house and two hours to blitz the place! Talk about a happy start to the day! LOL AP gave me the most beautiful bunch of roses and a card … inside the card he’d written “I am so happy to be your boyfriend. It is so easy to love you” – that meant a lot. He wound me up a little bit more about my pressie too and did confess later on in the evening that he wants to buy me a new computer as my gift! It blew me away … completely!!

AP and I went for lunch at a local restaurant … I’d invited my mum along too as she’s already met AP .. and I also invited my sister and my friend LC who AP hadn’t met yet. On Saturday it’s my birthday party and he’ll be meeting pretty much everyone … so by introducing him to a couple of people at least he will have some familiar faces to talk to!! AP was great – made an effort to join in conversation, asked questions … and – yeah … it was a really REALLY good lunch!!

After lunch, AP came back to my place for a while – my mum went to pick the kids up from school so AP met the kids for a second time and it all just went SO well and SO smoothly!!!

My kids were with their dad for the evening, and AP and I managed to work our way through four and a half bottles of wine!! We drank and talked until 5am and talked about SO much from very early on in our relationship. I confessed that when I went over to JH’s for a girls night a while ago that the stuff JH had told him on the phone was complete bullshit. He had known it anyway and was just glad I’d been honest with him about it. I wish I had told him sooner.

I also discovered that he and I see the length of our relationship completely differently. I see it that we had an “affair”, broke up for a bit, then got involved with each other again when I left my ex husband … and started a proper “relationship” a couple of months after that. He sees it that we’ve been involved with each other for three years as he’s not seen anyone else … and that he’d never meant to “end things” with me after the affair ended! As far as we are both concerned now though – it really doesn’t matter! We’ve been involved with each other for three years and that is the truth … and the last few months since saying the I love you’s, going through splitting up … getting back together and the whole “new-ness” of our relationship.

We had a LONG talk … for hours … till 5am!! We are both just so happy at the moment and so much in love. I’ve had such an amazing rollercoaster ride since I jumped on the train to Girlfriend-Ville … but I have to say that I am happier now than I have ever been before.

Life is very pink and sparkly … and I still have a birthday party on Saturday to look forward to!!

It’s nearly my birthday!!

With all of the planning for my mum’s scrapbook and her 60th birthday a couple of weeks ago … and thinking about my daughter’s birthday coming up a couple of weeks after mine … and trying to get my garden ready for my party … I’d almost actually forgotten about my actual birthday!

It’s in 2 days LOL – it has come around so quickly I can hardly believe it! AP has been hinting again … he knows I like UB40 and mentioned a CD by the lead singer as a solo album – I said I hadn’t heard it yet and he said “good, keep it that way and this conversation never happened!” LOL that made me laugh because that would be a great gift … it shows he actually knows my music tastes and has thought about something for me I know he’s got money issues at the moment, so I said to him it really wasn’t a problem and that if I had to wait then it just means I get to celebrate my birthday for longer!

I had to go to the doctor this morning and I went in with quite a list … LOL ready?

• I have a fungal nail infection on my little toe on my left foot! Yeah, it is actually as disgusting as it sounds! The inside of my nail actually looks black and it’s painful to cut the nail as it seems to be actually stuck to my skin … EWWWWWW! I have got some tablets to take for the next 6 weeks to clear that up!
• I’ve got really dry skin on my feet. It’s been there for a while and I’d got some stuff over the counter but it hadn’t helped. The skin on my feet has split and is really painful. I got me some magic cream for that!
• More contraceptive pills … she had a bit of a chat with me about those as I’ve swapped recently and I said I couldn’t be happier with the lack of periods on these pills!!
• My daughter has nits … I got the doctor to put some stuff on my script to save bringing my daughter down as prescriptions are free for me (tax credits = NHS charge exemption!)
• I seem to be keeping cystitis at bay, but am still feeling the odd twingy feeling, so got the doc to check my pee. I do have a small infection left but she said carry on flushing it out with cranberry juice and water, and she gave me some tablets in advance to take next time it hits!
• More “happy pills” (I take 40mg a day of Citalopram) … and this is the good bit!!! I said I was feeling a LOT better emotionally which is the truth – I have a lot more good days than I have bad days at the moment, but then I got all worried and said I didn’t feel I was ready to drop my dose because it hasn’t been very long I’ve been feeling this way, that I still get anxiety attacks and that the good days are still interspurted with really bad days! She reassured me that at the point *I* feel I am stable, then they would keep me on that dose for at least another 6 months before dropping me down to 20mg then down to 10mg. I also had to fill in a depression questionnaire and I scored 8 … my previous score from 6 months ago was 17 so that’s a huge HUGE increase in my general happiness level. The doctor was well chuffed and very happy with me. She also didn’t insist that I jump on the scales either, so she is obviously happy that I’m eating and have gained a lot too much some weight.

So yeah … it’s been a good day today

Our first argument “in love”

AP and I had a stupid absolutely pointless argument today but it was one that actually proved a lot to the both of us. We were watchingthe mens tennis final on TV – Roddick Vs Federer and AP had an urgent email he needed to send, so I settled down happy to watch the tennis as I was really getting into the match … while he took care of something business related. I ended up falling asleep on the sofa for a bit as the match went on for over 4 hours!

I’d only been asleep around half hour or so and woke up to him stroking my hair which is always a nice way to wake up! I blurted out “what’s the score?” as soon as my eyes were open. He told me, then I queried whether that was games or sets as I was confused between the two (I only really got into tennis when AP got me the wii for xmas!) and all of a sudden we were arguing with each other! I said something about how I thought they had to be two points ahead to win the match, AP said something else … and I asked him to shhh as I’d just woken up and my head was too mashed to compute. He took that as a big insult and felt I was saying he was wrong by telling him to shhh. He told me I was being moody as I’d just woken up!!! GRRR I wasn’t even a teeniest bit moody, but tell any woman she’s being moody and purely by trying to “defend herself” … she’ll get moody! It’s a lose-lose situation!

The argument started off the same way arguments between us go … it starts fairly calm, then AP raises his voice. AP shouts a lot and as my ex would always bury his head in the hand and just say nothing … I almost never know what to do when AP and I argue. I’m not used to someone as feisty as I am!! I usually end up walking out and going home!! As usually happens in the beginning of a row between us … I didn’t get a chance to get a word in edgeways and ended up sitting there on his sofa with tears in my eyes.

What happened NEXT is what makes this different though

I put my cigarettes in my bag, put my sunglasses on top of my head and put my shoes on. He looked at me with a pleading look in his eyes and said “Ness, no, don’t go…” I replied that I was just putting my shoes on, but in my head I was thinking “leave and get the fuck out”. My heart though … that was telling me to just sit the fuck there and wait this out. ALL  the way through the last three years I have known AP I’ve battled my head and my heart until I decided just to listen to my heart …. my heart told me to stay and fight … so I stayed!!

I said to AP “look what you do to me…” and gesticulated towards the tears … he got up, looked at me… then left the room. I had no idea where he’d gone to, but I knew his family member was asleep in the bedroom after a night shift so I hadn’t wanted to go hunting around the house to find him. I took my sunglasses off my head, put them on the table and just lit a cigarette. The tears were flowing freely by then but my ass stayed firmly planted on the sofa and I tried to concentrate on the tennis.

A few minutes later he came back into the room – sat opposite me and as soon as I looked at him he said sorry and asked me for a hug. He said he thought I’d left while he was out of the room. He had heard a car door and engine outside and just assumed it was me leaving … and when he saw I hadn’t walked out – he said he just knew he had to hold me and say sorry. He said it impressed the fuck out of him that I hadn’t left because he knew as well as I did that it is what I would have done in the past!

I said to him … what would the point of me leaving have been? He would have either followed me 20 minutes later when he’d calmed down and we’d just have had the same “aftermath” conversation at my place … but we would have lost the last two hours we had to spend together over a stupid row!!! Afternoon/evening time together is precious as we don’t get enough due to kids / working hours etc

He apologised a lot – for the rest of the afternoon!

The thing is … and the thing I said to him mattered the most is that this argument had been so very different from others in the past. ALL couples will argue and I said to him it won’t be the last thing we have a stupid ridiculous blow up over … but the difference is that we both reacted and responded VERY differently, and it showed that there is definitely love between us and showed that we had both changed as a result of the “I love you’s” in our relationship. It isn’t as easy to just walk away when you know damned well you are in love with someone!!

His previous behaviour would have been to continue yelling & shouting until I felt I was a complete wreck and unable to really stand up for myself or get a word in. I would have at some point just thrown my stuff in my bag, got up, made some sort of tearful exit and closed the door behind me and then cried my eyes out all the way home!!!

THIS time … we both acknowledged that it was something stupid … we both had a “cooling off” period while he was out of the room … and what makes it so different is that *I* didn’t immediately jump up and leave … and he came back in and applied the “stop and hug” rule.

I told him over the phone later in the evening that I’m actually glad we had that silly fight because of what it proved about our relationship. I really do love that stupid idiot very gorgeous boyfriend of mine. He even said to me that it impressed the fuck out of him that I hadn’t got up and walked out. He had noticed that. It was a big deal to HIM that I’d changed my behaviour and acted differently than in previous arguments…  and I gave him eleventy hundred brownie points for being the first to apply the “stop and hug” rule.

I said sorry for my part too, and said to him that he didn’t need to keep saying sorry – that it wasn’t about blame … that it was actually more about how much our relationship had grown and the fact that it was such a very “different” sort of argument proved a lot about the strength of our relationship. All couples will have odd stupid blow ups! We both admitted it was a stupid fight over something ridiculous … we were then able to talk about it sensibly, give each other kudos for how we each reacted … and as it was so insignificant … neither of us felt the need to dissect it or do a “yeah but I said and you said” kind of thing… which is something else we would have done in the past.

—–

This weekend has been a bit outta whack as my ex is taking the kids for an extra weekend next week. It’s a long story but he’s decided to go away for a week soon which means I miss out on my mid-week Wednesday that week and he has also booked it on a weekend where he is supposed to have the kids. In return I let him have this Friday night out of my weekend and he’s taking the kids completely next weekend (his weekend to have them) so I can have my birthday party child free and AP can stay over!

My birthday is Weds next week – it’s my daughter’s birthday exactly 2 weeks later and AP asked me what she wanted for her birthday! He has already hinted hugely that my pressie won’t be ready till Saturday because of cash flow … but simply the fact that he’s thought about it and planned to buy me something and has a surprise …. well that’s all I need to make me smile! Anyway … I told him about a series of books that my daughter wants, and he’s asked me to order it from amazon and he’ll give me the money. I’m WELL chuffed that he even thought to buy her something – it certainly wouldn’t have been expected from someone who had met them once no matter who he is to me!

My pressie though … now see that has my mind boggling!! AP is a very logical and practical person (Aquarian LOL) and his gifts tend to be something that is wanted/needed rather than wanted/lusted after! He won’t waste money and hates waste as much as I do. He bought me a Wii for Christmas knowing how much I wanted one and how much use the kids and I would get out of it – therefore it wasn’t a frivolous gift. For Valentines this year (as a fairly new couple before the I love you’s!) he bought “us” an expensive sex toy – and although that could definitely be classed as frivoulous … it was perfect as it was something the both of us have errr aherm enjoyed and got a lot of use out of before we broke it LOL

I really don’t know what he might have in mind for my birthday though … and I’m really hoping that he doesn’t ask me for verification or ask me if what he’s got in mind is okay because I’m secretly itching for a complete surprise!!

Anyway it’s late … enough waffling … it’s been a weird weekend but one I am glad happened. It’s left me feeling happy, loved up and with a grin on my face!!

Happy, in love but still so insecure!!!

It’s crazy … I STILL feel so freakin’ insecure and there is absolutely no reason for it! I wish I could really figure out the point that it all started to go so horribly wrong for me way back in my past. When did I get so broken and fragile? What happened to completely break my faith in love?

AP and I tell each other “I love you” pretty much every day now – he says it unprompted first, he says it back when I tell him I love him, he implies it when he says other things to me, and he says it by saying nothing at all!! He says and does ALL the right things in that respect – a perfect boyfriend! A prime example was Weds night when he stayed over here… I can’t even remember exactly what was said beforehand … but I do remember the two of us being sat here naked on my sofa chatting, the atmosphere being amazing and he looked at me and just smiled, then shook his head and looked at his feet. I just grinned at him and said “I love you too” …. he said to me “yeah, you just totally got it!” I absolutely had him pinned there with exactly what he was thinking! AP tells me now all the time that he loves me … and I have absolutely no insecurity about our relationship at all – he says and does all of the right things too, so it is NOT him … it’s me!

It’s crazy, but I get so worked up about his past relationships … knowing he’s loved others before me … and it’s not that I think I’m that special or anything like that … it’s just that I love this guy so much that I hate the thought of ever having to compete for or share his thoughts with any other women. IT’S MAD … I know this…

The thing is … it isn’t HIM … it’s ME – I would be the same with anybody that I was with.

I’m not entirely convinced it all started with my ex-husband either … he definitely made matters a LOT worse with his use of pornography even after I’d moved in with him, then the way he would consistently bring me down, make comments about my weight and my figure etc … but I remember having similar thoughts about his exes too. I was my ex husband’s third wife and I was the third woman he’d slept with – the man was completely inexperienced sexually and emotionally but I still felt that way about those two women even though #1 was fat and ugly and #2 was skinny and ugly!! He did constantly degrade me though – he never ever made me feel sexy or beautiful and compliments were rare, but he was never far from agreeing with me that I’d gained weight. I even remember one morning when we woke up … he looked at me and said “morning – you look like a bag of shit!”

Yeah … my ex-husband was a piece of work.

It has to have been before that when it really started … my relationship with BG from when I was 16-21… the relationship that caused me to “miss out” on most of my life and living … the relationship where I was so desperately unhappy but never really thought I was worthy of anything else. BG cheated on me more times than I ever knew about at the time, but “got even” during the summer of my 18th when I moved in with a guy called PC for 4 months even though I was still paying the rent on the flat I had with BG … and I ended up going back to BG! What a fool!! Thing is … I am absolutely convinced now that had I just had my eyes fully open at the point that my fling with PC ended … I would have kicked BG out of the flat and started a single life for myself age 18 and had a bloody good life too!! I would have dealt with my insecurities in my early 2os instead of now coming out of a 12 year marriage age almost 34 and still been frigging insecure and unsure full stop!

AP is a good looking guy … a very good looking guy … my last two exes weren’t exactly what you would call lookers, although PC … my summer fling when I was 18 was a fucking adonis … it’s fair to say! He was 6′7″ tall and had the fittest body that I’ve ever touched first hand! I do have to mention in here right now tho that AP is bloody gorgeous and I love his body! I wouldn’t swap any of him for the world … PC was just particularly fit LOL

My ex husband is actually dictionary definition “ugly” with a huge nose and a pot belly and it’s beyond me how we produced good looking children (I must have strong genetics!) … and BG – although he was fairly good looking in the beginning – put on weight very quickly and ended up fat and looking like a potato! Seriously … the guy actually looked like a potato with red spots, a muddy crust and everything …. ewww

So perhaps it even goes back way before that … to CB when I was 15/16 years old … we were together 7 months and he dumped me for an ugly fat girl! CB has also been the only guy to ever actually “dump” me but I got over it  because he actually had the balls to tell me face to face that he’d met someone else. I’ve always given him credit for not bullshitting me  … ack I don’t know … maybe it wasn’t CB, but since then I have always been the one to walk away and end things.

Anyway I’m waffling and talking crap really!! AP loves me – and the truth of the matter is it doesn’t matter about his past OR my past and in fact the things that have happened to us already are what makes us the people we are … and I damned well love the person that he is!

Relationship compatibility test …

I just took a really interesting online test from www.lovemonitor.com that defines your “relationship” style and it is actually pretty spot on! AP and I are pretty polar opposites when it comes to all of the compatibility tests due to star signs etc (he’s Aquarius and I’m Cancerian) … yeah yeah I know – I shouldn’t (and don’t!) rely on compatibility tests, but I thought it would be interesting to get AP to take the same test and tell him my results to see how we fit with things like this …. I was quite impressed actually with how spot on it pinned me down!!

Are you Giving or Taking?

You are Giving. You are a generous, unselfish person. This does not refer specifically to money, but also to less tangible things like your time, your help and your emotional support. You’ll be best-matched with someone who’s opposite to you in this respect, so look for someone who’s a Taker if you want to make your life complete. You’re best matched with a Taker.

Are you Committed or Free?

You are Committed. You have a tendency to seek a relationship that is close, intimate and exclusive. This can be a beautiful thing, but you should avoid making it too clinging or possessive. Committed people like yourself are likely to be happiest with a partner who is also Committed. You’re best matched with another Committed person.

Are you a Boss or a Slave?

You are a Slave. It would seem that you derive pleasure from serving your partner and tending to their pleasure. Men often prefer to be the boss, and women to be the slave, but we can all think of notable reversals on this pattern. As a Slave, you’ll almost certainly be most content in a relationship with someone who has a personality which is more dominant than yours. You’re best matched with a Boss.

Are you Quiet or Exciting?

You are Exciting. You’re someone who likes plenty of hustle, bustle and excitement going on around you. Since this might be very trying to a partner who is not so enthused, you’ll be better off with someone who’s like you. You’re best matched with another Exciting person..

So yeah … gonna get AP to take this test just for fun! LOL have a go …. www.lovemonitor.com

Happier than a big happy thing!

Ahhh I had yet another fantastic 24 hours with AP from 7pm Wednesday eve until around half seven this evening (Thursday) and I have to be honest … the more time I spend with him – the more convinced I get (not that I need convincing LOL) that he and I are just meant to be!

It is so crazy that breaking up was the very best thing we could have done! I really do regret the hurt, pain and agony that we both went through … but, I don’t regret actually ending it with him – purely because of how fantastic it has been since then!! I think that being forced to really seriously face life without each other kicked us both up the proverbial and made us both sit up and pay attention!

It is all just so very natural – relaxed and feels – well, it just feels right – and fabulous!! He does definitely look for and need a little bit of constant reassurance, but that is purely down to his own insecurities from his past … it’s not as if I don’t have my own HUGE insecurities and issues that he helps me battle on a daily basis! The other side of it though is that by simply making the effort to pay him a compliment (a genuine one because being false does nobody any good!) boosts his ego and puts a smily on his face — that alone is worth a million … let alone the fact that just offering a compliment usually results in one coming back to you as well! It’s mutual self appreciation in reverse!!!

I gave him a printed list of 34 reasons why I love him a few days ago. I specifically did 34 reasons because that’s how old I will be on my birthday so it just seemed fitting! *grin* it was great and put such a big grin on his face! He made a joke about how this list should be our wedding vows … I played his game back and said that he’d have to come up with a list of his own 34 vows and he laughed … told me that I’d written everything so well that he could never come up with anything half as good!

Was that me or was that my boy testing the water to see how I would react about marriage possibility in the future?

I’m leaving it here purely because I’m knackered … but I will also say that my boyfriend is purely and soley responsible for keeping me up all night! Grrrrrrrrrrr

“Moo” said the cat …

Ok well when I am feeling totally random … I need a random title for my post because it’s been an odd sort of day today! I wasn’t in bed late last night, but I woke up today feeling soooo tired this morning – like I could have crept back into bed and slept for a whole other full night! It was so very tempting to hit snooze again on my alarm clock when it went off at 6.35am, but I knew I would only end up regretting it!

Strangely enough, even after a soak in the shower my get up and go was already miles away with no chance of retrieval!

I’ve been worried today … worried about all sorts of things. I’m worried about money and the fact that my business has so many debts now and the wolves are closer to the door than ever before. I had a bailiff turn up on my doorstep today looking for £2K .. he’s coming back tomorrow and the best I can muster up is £500 in cash that blows my entire budget for next month … and I am just praying he will take pity on the fact I am a single mum and need the car to transport my autistic son … and that without a TV my kids would comit suicide …

I’m worried about my weight too. I am 5′8″ tall and I was 9 stone 6lbs when I moved into this house 8 months ago. In that time I’ve put just over a stone (14lbs) back on again and I hate it. I hate the way my jeans feel tight and my muffin top stomach flops over my jeans. I hate the way my favourite underwear feels tight and my boobs are spilling over the top of my bras. Yeah … I carry weight on my thighs/ass, stomach and tits.

AP said he hadn’t even noticed when I mentioned I’d gained half a stone …. I lied … it is more than that but somehow saying I’ve gained over a stone wasn’t something I wanted to admit. He said all of the right things and made me feel sexy and attractive … but it’s what the mirror (i.e. ME) sees that is important. It’s that reflection that has the most bearing on how I feel about myself.

So yeah … I’m not starving myself again or anything ridiculous like that … but I am back to closely watching what I eat and feeling hugely enormously guilty for eating bad stuff … I recognise the pattern and I am working on not letting myself get into that downward spiral again … at the same time as trying to actually lose some weight genuinely.

Ugh … I can already see the battle starting up again … my hunger/real life monster Vs the anorexia/too fat monster. It isn’t a pretty fight – there are no rules and winner takes all. I need to lose weight though… at least 10lbs.

My relationship with AP is going so well at the moment that I am almost afraid to talk about it!! I told him today that I had to laugh because when I picked my children up from school yesterday, the first thing my son asked me was “is AP coming over today?” … and when I said no, he replied “when is AP going to come round?”

I took that as a good thing! I want to take it slowly … with AP and the children getting to know each other and to bring him into our lives gradually. I will freely admit that I was the one pushing for that first meeting because I was ready for it before AP was … but now that moment has happened and AP likes my kids as much as they seem to like him … well I’m happy to take it at a natural pace now!

Even my mum has extended an invitation to AP and I at her place tomorrow evening (Weds when I don’t have the kids) … he didn’t go to her birthday party so it’s her way of inviting him back for a more one-on-one thing … which he is much more comfortable with anyway!! It’ll be nice … drop the kids off, meet up with AP, visit my mum and let her show off her garden …

My kids are both trying my patience at the moment. I don’t normally have many problems with my daughter … but her attitude recently has completely SUCKED!! She is coming up 11 years old and being very err expecting and “almost” demanding in the things she now freely expects to be available to her. They know we live on a very limited budget and that money is tight, but she’ll still pick up a copy of the latest CD or DVD and then go very quiet and refuse to talk to me when I tell her no – I simply can’t afford it this week.

I wish I had more money … I wish that life were different and that we lived in a big fuck off mansion with a swimming pool and other people to take care of laundry, doing dishes, preparing meals and keeping the place clean … ohh not to mention a neverending cash supply … but we don’t!

I get sick and tired sometimes because my children really don’t appreciate the effort I make for them and I guess that was true of me when I was a kid their age to0 – nothing else matters other than pocket money and the latest trend or the new release chart single … we’ve all been through it as a kid but it doesn’t make it any easier when you have to go through it as a parent.

Ack … I’ve had an ok day … just been in a weird mood and worrying LOTS about EVERYTHING!!!

The most interesting way to sign divorce papers!

I bet nobody out there (or very few!) have signed divorce papers in quite the way I did today! I’ve had my affit david for a few days, but AP had this lil fantasy about exactly how I should sign them … and *wicked grin* I happily obliged him!

A little disclaimer because I know real life friends read this and they may not want to know all of the gorey details of my sex life … and normally I wouldn’t post about them … LOL this may be TMI for some of you …. so skip this bit if you want, but I know you are secretly dying to know!!

For starters … I will never ever look at strawberries the same way! LOL Ever since AP and I had a night of fun with a bottle of champagne and a punnet of strawberries … he has envisioned me signing my divorce papers in a similar manner and it is all we have talked about since the paperwork arrived through my door! We wanted to make sure we had plenty of time before and after signing the papers so that the strawberries could be err … hidden and retrieved!! For that reason we’d picked first thing Monday morning so we could make sure nothing else got in the way!!

Damn it was so sexy!! We have a bottle of Pina Colada flavoured lube that AP used to make sure I was nice and wet … then the strawberries started disappearing one by one! I should really mention the two times the doorbell rang and AP’s face was just a picture … LOL if anything could have been timed worse! The first was the postie and the second was Jehovas Witnesses! Heheheeeee oooopsie! LOL

I gotta give credit to my man though for not faltering due to bad circumstances! He was more adamant than ever and just gave me such a wicked grin that I had no choice but to lay back for another strawberry …  and then his dog started making a real commotion in the hallway! We both thought it was just junk mail being shoved through the letter box until we heard the familiar sound of a key being turned… we both looked at each other with the realisation that his family member was just arriving back home and AP shot up so quick to block the doorway to the front room and usher his family member into the kitchen!! I grabbed my jeans and have never laughed so hard or dressed so quick in … well a long time! LOL I felt like a teenager!!

As soon as AP’s family member was happily ensconced in the kitchen, he came back through, ushered to me to stand up and unzip my jeans … and lets just say another few strawberries got hidden!! We then jumped in his car and headed straight down to the court with strawberries in situ!!

I have to admit it felt very sexy and very naughty! I walked into that court house with such a swing in my step and a massive grin on my face… and I didn’t even falter when the security guards asked to check my bag and I remembered that the Pina Colada lube was in there!!

We drove to my place after signing and AP ummm retrieved the strawberries along with a glass of rosé wine! ! I’m not going to go into huuuge detail, but suffice to say we both ended the afternoon with very big smiles on our faces!!

**** END OF GRAPHIC DETAIL LOL ****

When it came to actually signing the paperwork in front of a court clerk as a witness, I was shaking so much I couldn’t lean on the counter to write my name and actually had to sit down to sign the papers! She asked me if I needed a moment or two – or a glass of water … I said hell no, grabbed the forms and the pen and scribbled my life away!! My shaking / nerves wasn’t second thoughts about the divorce, it wasn’t the strawberries somewhere interesting or even AP…

I think it was more to do with the fact that this signature is my official application to dissolve the last thirteen years of my life. It’s the end of one era in my life and the start of something brand new and exciting. This combined with the fact that AP and I have been through so much over the last few weeks to break up and get back together and then for all of the real feelings and emotions we have for each other to come flooding out … the way we both feel so very much in love with each other and can say it so easily now…

I guess part of me is anxious to finally close that “married” box because even if I hadn’t met AP and my STBX husband didn’t have a girlfriend … then there would be no way in the world that he and I would ever ever get back together! I’m happy, he’s happy and the kids are happy! It couldn’t be better!

Let’s just hope the court doesn’t take too long to send us the date for decree nici!!

AP and a picnic in the park!!

We had a lovely afternoon in the park with a picnic … and AP met the children for the first time!! I have to admit that part of me had been really convinced he wouldn’t come – or that something urgent would crop up! I even had to text my friend EJ for some reassurance! LOL She said surely he wouldn’t be a no show after all we had been through … and she was right! I had worried about nothing!

I’d let them know he wasn’t going to be there at mum’s birthday party last night but I explained that he was just as nervous about meeting them as they were about meeting him! I told them that he very much wanted to meet them and that he and I both wanted it to be a special meeting where he had time to spend with them properly.

Today was perfect … and with hindsight it was a MUCH better idea than him coming to my mum’s party last night! I headed down to the park at 12.30 so the kids could have a chance to burn off some energy first! I’d also invited my mum along to break the ice a little as AP has met her a couple of times before, and it timed out perfectly! Mum turned up about 1.30pm, then AP got there about 20 minutes later!

My son was hillarious … he came right over and said “my name is xxxx, I have got ADHD and Aspergers” LOL He launched straight into how he had something in common with AP because he thought that the government started the recession on purpose! I was sat there trying not to wet myself with hysterics over that one!! It was something I’d said to my son a long time ago about AP’s political beliefs when I referred to him simply as “my ginger ale friend”, but this gem of wisdom was thought up by my son all by himself when the recession really hit the UK.

My daughter was ever the very grown up ten-almost-eleven-year-old girl and AP said to me later that he couldn’t believe that she was only ten because of her level of maturity! I took that as a huge compliment to my parenting as well!! My daughter has read a LOT of Jaqueline Wilson books and for those “not in the know” Jaqueline Wilson writes a lot about dysfunctional families, divorce and step-parents which gave my daughter a real insight before anything really showed between her father and I.

Bottom line … they both liked him – from the hour and a half that they spent together (my parking ran out! LOL) and they both liked that they had things in common with him. It was a really really good first meeting and I don’t think I could have wished for it to have gone any better than it did!

AP got to see my son in partial battle mode when my son decided he wanted a water pistol as a souveneir from the cafe / gift shop and I said no! My son decided he didn’t like my answer and decided to throw a bit of a stress fit!! It was all handled and dealt with really well (blowing my own supernanny trumpet here!) because I had said no … I stuck to my guns and gave him the choice of accepting it or losing out on next week’s treat. I also told both of the children that I planned on buying some big water pistols as soon as the lawn can be walked on so we can soak each other … but told my son if he asked me one more time then that would be cancelled. He threw a minor fit (which was ignored) and then he was over it by the time we had got to the car!

It was such a really nice afternoon! It just felt really natural having AP and my kids with me!

AP phoned me later in the day and we’ve probably spent a couple hours on the phone altogether today! I love that he is so interested in the children and genuinely interested too! Most of the conversations we’ve had on the phone today have been about the kids … their likes and dislikes, what they are into, what they excel at in school, the things they struggle with etc. All things that really show he really actually does want to get to know them.

The fact that he has been so nervous has actually been a really good thing. He hadn’t wanted to jump right in with the kids which proves he is absolutely serious about this. Had it been a fling or anything less than a serious relationship – it wouldn’t have mattered about meeting the kids so much. I think they benefited from meeting him a little more one on one as well. Last night there were so many people around – he wouldn’t have had a chance to talk to them!!

So yeah … life in Pink-Ville is pretty good right now and lots of sparkly stuff to look forward to!

Ap didn’t come … but …

AP phoned me first thing this morning to let me know how absolutely scared shitless he was about meeting everybody all at once. It is already a big huge thing for him to meet the children, and he said that he was so nervous and worried about meeting my entire family as well as my kids on the same day! He called early this morning to let me know how nervous he was, and he called quite a few times during the day to say he really did want to come, but was just worried about meeting everyone all at once. He has met my mum before and he said had it just been mum and the kids, or just the rest of the family then he wouldn’t have felt so nervous … but the enormity of everyone at once had him really worried.

I was disappointed of course, but I put myself in his shoes … and him meeting my kids is WAAAAAAAAAAY more important than meeting my aunts, uncles and cousins, so I gave him a get out of jail free card and said that if he was feeling uncomfortable then he probably wouldn’t have a good time anyway … and I suggested that instead of coming to a big family event … maybe a picnic tomorrow at a local park (again neutral territory) with just me and the kids would be a good idea and he jumped all over that!

He felt really bad and he said he really hadn’t wanted to upset me or disappoint me … but as I said to him … the first meeting with the kids is frigging important and if any of us (him, me or my kids) wasn’t entirely comfortable with that meeting … then it should be re-arranged… and I would also much rather he were honest with me about his feelings … I told him if he had come purely to avoid pissing me off, then it would have been for the wrong reasons!!

I had a lovely time at my mum’s this evening … she loved the scrapbook that my sister and I worked on together for her … and it really was a nice evening. It would have been nice if AP could have been there, but I would rather he met the kids first and was comfortable around them before meeting the craziness that is the rest of my family … and my family IS completely insane!! Mum had a fabulous evening though … she said it was her best birthday ever

Soooo I’ve said to AP that tomorrow I will be taking the kids to the local park around 12.30 and taking a picnic with us … and that we’ll be there till around 5pm … and for him to just come down and join us whenever he is ready.

I’m happy … I’m ok with it because I’m actually glad he is thinking about the kids and putting them first … some may say it is a cop out … but as long as he does actually show up tomorrow at the park … then I’ll be even happier!!

Aaaaaaaaaanyway tis almost 1am and I need my bed!!

I got cystitis LOL

… and I know exactly how I got it … well, they don’t call it the “honeymooner’s disease” for nothing hehe! I noticed around midday today, recognised the symptoms straight away, and picked up some magic sachets from the pharmacy on the way to pick the kids up from school and gulped my first glass down by 3.30pm!! I was actually at AP’s when it started … and I half cringed when I had to say “I think I’ve got cystitis!” bless him … I explained that it has probably come from too much sex! He thinks he broke me and he was mortified that he had caused this!!

The look on his face was … ohhh …. I had to give him a big bear hug LOL!! I said at least the timing is good though because we’re not spending the night together until Wednesday next week now as it’s my weekend with the kids, so at least I get time to fully recover LOL … it was not him that caused it …

WE caused it!

Three times in less than 24 hours (it was actually more like 18 hours and each time was never less than err several hours LOL) As well as being loving and romantic in bed … we are also errrr … well ummm adventurous is probably a good way to describe it … oh feck it Nessa just say it … yeah I got me a damned good seeing to in a few different ways (sorry … pausing for a wicked grin at the memory there) and that too much sex has given me a bout of cystitis!!

I am drinking the putrid sachets (Boots own brand do a berry flavour that isn’t that bad) and I already knew that drinking cranberry juice can be a a relief from cystitis (something to do with the anti-oxidents in it) but after some research on the web, I found out that drinking a glass of cranberry juice a day can actually act as a preventitive against cystitis and not just a cure! I never knew that!

… Soooo Nessa’s new daily breakfast is going to include a big ole glass of cranberry juice because that way AP won’t feel bad about breaking me LOL … and we can still have hard and nasty 24 hour sex! LOL

introducing my boyfriend to my children!

AP is meeting my children tomorrow at my mum’s birthday party … and he’s admitted that he is very nervous and a bit scared – I think he’s actually worried that they won’t like him!! My son is really looking forward to meeting AP because they have a few “boy” things in common so I know they will hit it off well. I am sure my daughter will think the world of him too because he has this knack of talking and listening … and my almost eleven year old daughter waffles and chats a million miles an hour!

It hasn’t occurred to me for even a minute that my children won’t like him because he’s such a nice guy … the only thing is obviously it’s “not” their dad and it will be weird for them to get used to me being intimate (ie holding hands, arms round each other etc) with another man! It’s something they would have to get used to eventually anyway though I guess … and if I wasn’t absolutely sure about me and AP then it just wouldn’t be happening!!

The timing is perfect and the location is perfect too … it’s not at our house which would be “the children’s turf” for meeting him for the first time … and it’s not his place which would make them feel uncomfortable as it’s a strange place to them. They are meeting him at their Nan’s house – neutral territory that is a familiar and comfortable place for them, and as AP has already met my mother a couple of times now … it shouldn’t be too uncomfortable for him.

I’ve talked to the children a fair bit about this over the last week … they already knew that I have a friend called AP that is a man and that he is a very good friend that I spend a lot of time with, and I have been slowly starting to use the word “boyfriend” in sentences. I’ve been up front with them but at an age appropriate level! I haven’t wanted to give them too much information, but I also need them to know that I am in a serious relationship with a man that could potentially be involved in their futures…

It will all be fine – they will think the world of him and he will fall in love with them!! My ex knows they are meeting my boyfriend too … and even he is okay with it!!

I’m sooooo happy!!

Life is good … life is amazing … my boyfriend is totally in love with me (yes he used those exact words!) we’ve spent the last 24 hours together and I feel totally loved up and completely happy and secure! AP stayed over on Wednesday night … I got the children back from their dad’s Thursday evening  and it was just the most wonderful 24 hours. We talked business – about things I need to do to get my business back up and running again … and how his projects are almost finished now thanks to so much of my help … and how he wants to help back. He was talking about helping me with money to invest into my business, helping me out to pay off some of the business debts and he just has me SO fired up and motivated to get back on track.

We talked about our relationship – about us – about when we very first met almost three years ago now and how I had been the one to make the first move at the beginning. We met online and although he’d looked at my profile he hadn’t msgd me and that made me curious … so I got in touch with him …. we started talking and straight away we had a very deep and intense connection. It was really good to talk about that time and remember just how much we affected each other even so very early on.

We kissed, we held each other, we just lay back on the floor talking about our hopes and dreams … and saying “I love you” just comes so easily and naturally.

We talked about the future … about our future … the conversation got onto surnames and he put my first name with his surname and said it out loud – we both agreed how well they go together … we talked about how if we lived together we would just never be able to keep our hands off of each other … he even described a scenario about how we’d be sat there snuggled up on the sofa on a weekend day and the kids would come into the room and say “ewww must you do that” when we sit there kissing … and just in general about how nice it would be to just spend more evenings and more time together! He wants to be involved with my kids and involved in our lives.

We talked about this weekend when he’ll be meeting my children at my mum’s birthday party and about how well I know he will get on with both of them, but for him not to be overly surprised if he’s greeted with a hello and then promptly ignored in favour of food or something else!! LOL kids can be so fickle!

And yeah we had some awesome sex last night … and this morning … and this afternoon! HAAAAAAAAAA

I said to AP that this must be like the honeymoon period after getting back together … being so close and intimate, so into each other and loved up, but he disagreed. He said that we’ve known each other for three years so it’s definitely no honeymoon period!! He said this is just us – with feelings – and it’s the way it’s going to stay!

I love this man so much … I just sit here all happy and realise that I have a big beaming smile on my face because I am thinking about him and us and just being together. It’s not even specific thoughts either … just the image of his face pops into my mind as I’m tidying up or doing the dishes or I’ll remember him doing something stupid or goofy … or remember how it feels when he strokes my hair.

And … the sex is amazing … Ohhh did I say that already! LOL

I’m tired and rambling … but really really happy