Anyone who has followed my writing since the start of 2006 (egads 3.5 years now!) when I first started blogging will know I’ve had several different blog URLs in that time and every now and again I’ve deleted/moved my blog, or changed my ID or something to reflect the changes in my life. I do have a hand written journal where absolutely everything is written down so I have my own personal copy of things … but sometimes I reach a point where I know I’m at a fresh point in my life and I need my blog to do the same.
Life laundry if you like … take what is old and dirty, and either fix it up or throw it out and replace it! I’ve done this a LOT on my real life recently … and online I need to do the same thing too. I have deleted everything from “itspink” dating back to when I officially walked out on my marriage, left my husband of 12 years and moved into this house! I deleted 9 months of my life “poooooof” in the click of a button and I couldn’t feel better about it!
I’ve been doing a lot of life laundry lately … it genuinely feels like I’ve been given another chance at my life again and I want to grab it with everything I have! The new start and deleting my old posts reflects a lot of things about me …
- My relationship with AP - or as I should say “our” relationship” as there is no “i” in we! Everything about AP screams loudly “us” and “we” and all of those wonderful words that you want to think of when you are in a relationship with someone. We are so very much in love and our relationship is just … well, to finally be in a secure and happy stable relationship where we each know just how much we’re loved by the other … it’s a new beginning for the both of us in more ways than one. We both still have baggage but we’re working on it together.
- The true end of my marriage – Any day now I am expecting to hear from my divorce team to give me a date for decree nici which is the date where the official six weeks and one day starts until the legal end of my marriage. I can’t wait. My ex and I still have big arguments over the children and things that we consider acceptable or appropriate with regards to parenting – but that’s no different than it was when we were “happily married” so no change there really! My ex-husband has a girlfriend … I have a boyfriend and life has moved on!
- My weight - My regular readers will know what I’m talking about!! I feel so recovered in so many different ways and a lot of it it it is all down to AP and the confidence he’s given me. I’ve been through drastic weight loss in a very short space of time due to simply not eating. I was given a diagnosis of “EDNOS” (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I didn’t quite fit the criteria for anorexia as I was still having periods – mad huh! I’ve gained weight back since then – probably a little too much, but also gained a healthy appreciation of FOOD and I know that my boyfriend finds me incredibly attractive. The way he looks at me and the things he says to me scream loudly that I am attractive AND loved. I finally have both in a relationship – something has always been missing before in past relationships and finally I have it all. My self esteem is through the roof!
- Happy Pills – I’ve been taking anti-depressants (citalopram) for anxiety and panic attacks since 2006 when my marriage truly broke down (and I first started blogging) … I was started off on 20mg which was increased to 30mg and then up to 40mg which is apparently quite a high dose. A locum doctor told me to quit cold turkey when I said I was feeling much better … which led to another complete break-down and a visit to my regular GP … aaaaaaaaanyway I was promptly put back on 30mg straight away and then back down to 20mg … and 10mg, but over the course of time have ended up on 40mg again. The next time I visit my GP I am going to ask to start being weaned off of it properly this time.
- My stress/anxiety score – this follows on from the last point, but when I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago she gave me a new questionnaire to fill in. It’s the same one I’ve done before several times but the difference is last time my score was 17 … this time it was 8!! It means I am actually within the normal lines now for stress and anxiety for the first time in three years!!
- My Children - BOTH of my kids are doing so well since we left their dad and I know that it’s down to me (with help from Supernanny) and the new parenting techniques I’ve been using as a single mum! My daughter has blossomed into a hard-working and conscienscious 11 year old (it’s her 11th birthday next week so she is as good as 11 already LOL) and aside from the usual odd pre-teen-hormones she makes me incredibly proud! My son has improved in leaps & bounds and is getting an award from school next week to reflect his effort and achievement!
- My self reflection – This is probably the biggest change in me and something that blogging has allowed me to do. In writing things down and being questioned/commented on by complete random strangers who don’t know me from adam … well it forces you to really REALLY ask yourself just who you are compared to who you want to be. My personal journey of self discovery has as a matter of course led AP and I to a far better relationship than we ever thought was possible. I am also somewhere that I never ever thought I would be … i.e. happy with myself (yes, with my body too!!) AND happy in a relationship knowing my partner loves me and isn’t about to fuck with me!!
Damnit I do love my bullet points eh! Well … this is it … out with the old and in with the new (taking certain things with me for the ride LOL!)
It’s all up from here!!
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