I knew AP hadn’t been feeling well, and after such a wonderful weekend I wanted to do something nice for him. We both had a LOT of work to catch up on today and I thought that a nice big breakfast would set our tummies up nicely for the day ahead, so after dropping the kids off at school, I stopped into McDonalds and bought a ton of breakfast stuff! I called him to say I was on my way over and I hoped he was hungry as breakfast was on the way too … and he was SO touched! His face when I got there said it all! He’d not long woken up when I called him and the first thing he heard was that his girlfriend was on her way over with a cooked breakfast from McDonalds! Once we’d eaten we couldn’t keep our hands off each other … I had to put my coat on, button it up and stand on the opposite side of the room or we would never have got to work!

The way to say I love you is definitely with a good breakfast!

I’ve really been trying to make a big effort to do little things that show AP beyond any doubt how much I am in love with him. I remember reading once that the best way to tell someone you love them is to show them as well, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll always offer to grab anything he needs from town if I’m headed that way … I picked up his prescription for his asthma inhaler the other day when I was in town stocking up on groceries, and I bought him a new throat spray at the same time as I knew his was running out and grabbed some throat sweets too. It was just something I did without really thinking because I knew it would make him feel better! Today I took him breakfast and I swear that although it is absolutely NO EFFORT at all to do these little things for someone … it comes back threefold, it really does.

Make the effort – do some little things for your partner. They feel so very special because someone else is offering to do things for them and to them it feels like you are making a huge effort. It’s easy to get complacent in long term relationships and I’m taking the time to do and say the little things because I want to never ever become complacent again. I love him too much and he loves me. Neither of us want to be without the other and we just have to quit the stupid rows for no reason!

We had a successful argument on the phone this evening! We hadn’t talked since I’d left work earlier to pick the kids up (other than a few texts) and in just 6 hours of being apart we managed to get wound up and frustrated! He thought I’d sounded like something was stressing me out, but it wasn’t, but he kept asking and I was fine but he insisted it sounded like something was wrong and blah blah … stupid argument, we both overreacted and got hot-headed but it blew over very quickly and we both apologised. THAT is the way it should be! We talked for a while on the phone then voice chatted on MSN over the headset. He said it had been such a great weekend and we had a really good day today that he just didn’t want to let anything spoil it. It wasn’t worth arguing over… so we didn’t!

This being apart stuff is driving me crazy. I hate it. I just want to be with him!!

It’s been an amazing weekend of the wow, double wow and even triple wow kind. Both of us completely blew off work for the entire weekend to just be alone and spend some quality time together. It’s really been needed with everything we’ve been through recently and it was amazing to have that time just for us. We both agreed we had spent way too long arguing over the last few months and needed to ignore our friends & families, stay away from email and facebook and pretty much switch off from the world.

SOOOOOO that’s exactly what we did! As we’re both self employed it just means we have one hell of a busy Monday and possibly some pissed off customers, but we’ll fix those because damn it was worth it! 

We finally got exactly what we have been needing for so long now – some time to be alone together just the two of us – and the conversations that just absolutely astounded me. We both know we have a future together, but it was very very nice to have your other half actually tell you the reasons just why they love you, tell you that you are beautiful, sexy and their dream woman simply because of the silly(and some not so silly) quirky things you do! Our relationship – when we aren’t arguing LOL – is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. AP is my boyfriend and my kinky lover, my best friend, my partner and my other half – all rolled into one, and damn I fancy the shit out of him too! I look at him and GRRRRR I want him!!

AP told me straight out that he wants to have babies with me and that he’s talking about the not too distant future. He even came out and admitted that he’d had the odd thought pop into his head to say “tell her to just stop taking the pill and we’ll see what happens…”  I told him I’d had the odd thought about maybe missing the odd pill here or there and just seeing what happens. Obviously he didn’t and I didn’t but mad we’d both been thinking along the same lines there! It was a really good conversation because we both know we are on each other’s wavelength there as well – that it is something that we both very much want, but that we also want to plan and decide together rather than be a happy accident.

We talked about how bits of my rented house are falling off (lights broken, toilet seat fixings are broken, kitchen needs replacing) and how his 2 bed place suffers from nasty mould during the wet weather and how small it is. His answer. WE need a new house. That wasn’t we need new houses in the plural, that was WE need “A” new house singular … and my assumption could only be that he meant we would all share said new house!

The downside is that I lose out on certain benefits and would take a hit in my tax credits, but we’d save a fortune on cheese. This is a true fact and we discovered this when we went shopping at Sainsburys over the weekend. Long story and you had to be there really LOL but it involves lots of different types of cheese EACH because after we’d worked our way through tasting all of the different red leicesters and a new wensleydale … we were hungry and had to buy some of every one we’d liked EACH!!

I think basically very slowly – we are going to start just looking in the paper for 4 bed houses to rent – just to see what is about, how much etc, and maybe some time after Christmas sit down, put our pennies (and piles of cheese) together and see what we can come up with!

We certainly reached a new depth of closeness this weekend which makes the arguments seem even more stupid, ridiculous and insignificant now. We wasted so much valuable time that we could have been snuggling up and we don’t get enough time together! We aren’t going to waste any more by arguing or being silly. We’ve learned a lot from it all and damnit, he is my ideal guy for so many reasons!

I’m not going to go into detail but as far as our sex life goes, let’s just say neither of us have ANY complaints and in fact it’s almost too much of the opposite! We have far too many ideas and not enough time to explore them all! He suggested something as almost a joke-but-do-you-fancy-trying-it kind of way … I sat up, spent a few seconds working out logistics in my head and said “Why the fuck not?!” Within about three minutes we had googled a search term, come up with a website where a few things found their way into a shopping cart and AP was handing me cash for half of the order!

Anyway, I’ve had a couple of very late nights and after the weekend antics I need some rest! LOL It’s going to be a busy Monday!!!

We decided to go down to the drop in centre at the local GUM clinic (Genito-Urinary Medicine) on Friday morning to get AP checked out properly because his GP was absolutely useless and to find out if he has got warts, why haven’t I?!

It wasn’t actually half as bad as either of us expected, but far from a pleasant experience either!

We asked to be seen together and the doctor really was excellent. We had a talk about our sexual history and previous partners … and other than my little “blip” at the end of my marriage, I have only had long-term monogomous relationships since the age of 16, and AP has actually had a LOT fewer partners than I thought he had. His number is significantly less than mine and I thought it would be a LOT more … that was a surprise when I’d found that out – I think it made me fall in love with him even more!!

She put both of us at ease straight away as far as where they could have  originally come from goes because it could have been from either of us. AP admitted that he’d known his last ex girlfriend cheated on him right at the end of their relationship, and even though that was SEVEN years ago that the relationship ended, it is possible that the she gave him the virus and it just lay dormant in him because he was single until we met almost three years later. It is also possible that I have built up an immunity to it because I’ve had it before, and if I am not showing any signs or symptoms then there CAN be no treatment, but I won’t re-infect him if he is already infected and that is the bit that we’d needed to know and understand!!

The doctor agreed it was pointless giving us the full sexual health tests as we just wanted the warts sorted, so I had a check up for signs … none … and AP had his nitrogen treated. He has to go back once a week now until they are gone, but once they’ve been blasted over and over again with the liquid nitrogen – then hopefully we’ll have it fixed.

He apologised again for having to even ask me if I’d done anything… and I admitted that I realised he must have been absolutely shitting a brick about asking me that question because he knew I would overreact … which I did …. LOL THANKFULLY the two of us can actually talk about this stuff like adults and human beings.

See, we argue about crappy insignificant little stuff, but the big stuff? We seem to sort that out no problem!!

AP has genital warts. There. Came out and said it without beating around the bush. Much like he did when I got to his place after his doctor’s appointment yesterday and he told me the diagnosis, then said “you know what question I need to ask you.”

The “have you cheated on me, slept with someone else and given me warts??” question he meant.

No I absolutely have NOT. There was a bit of a “thing” with JT a long time ago now at a point where AP and I had split up (over the whole JH thing and her lies I got caught up in – long story and she is an ex-friend that is long gone now) where JT told me he was interested in me as more than a friend, but nothing actually ever happened and I told JT to back off because I knew damned well that AP was my soulmate and that despite all we’d been through, I knew we were just meant to be together.

I was so upset that he could even think it because even at the very worst lows since I’ve been with AP, it’s never even been a consideration to even think about looking elsewhere. I believe in being faithful, honest and truthful with your partner, or what’s the point in being with them?!?! I know … says a lot coming from the woman who MET AP when I had an affair with him while cheating on my ex-husband!!  The point is, I damned well tried and I worked at my marriage long before I did anything “wrong” … and I only did what I did because my ex-husband was ignoring me … anyway …

AP had phoned me when he’d got back from the doctor yesterday and told me “we need to talk” so I’d totally wound myself up on the drive over to his place because I knew what he was going to have to ask and so soon after having an argument that came close to ending us – and recovering from it … well, it’s not a good time to have to ask your girlfriend if she’s been sleeping around on you.

My reaction wasn’t a good one, but then again I’d known what he was going to ask me and I really had totally driven myself to the brink of I don’t know WHAT by the time I got to his place. My instinctive reaction (despite all my pre-planned perfect answers!) was “if you ask me if I’ve been cheating on you then I am walking out of here!!”

I apologised to him straight away for the overreaction and admitted I had wound myself up about it. He apologised too for even having to ask it. He said he hadn’t honestly thought it, but it was a question from the doctor and he had to ask it. We did REALLY WELL for such a tricky topic!! I said to him he must have been scared shitless about asking me that question and he admitted he’d been dreading it because he knew I wouldn’t take it well!

The weird and totally utterly bizarre thing is that AP has genital warts but I don’t. Warts are one of the most infectious STIs, so if he has them, how come I don’t? We certainly have enough sex to be able to pass things between us very easily!! He has had these lumps for a while and his GP used nitrogen to remove them before and told him they were NOT genital warts at that point. It’s more frustrating than anything else because he said they weren’t, then said they were … but yet if they ARE and they are infectious … how come I have no sign of them? AP laughed and said maybe I have some kind of mutant immunity to it because of when a past ex gave me genital warts when I was about 17 (he was cheating on me). I was treated for them and never had a sign since then.

I also had a sexual health screening a year ago when I left my ex-husband and moved into this house and been completely clean. We checked the website and genital warts was included in the screening. AP had mentioned this to his doctor during his appointment because I was openly honest with AP about going to the clinic when I did, and his doctor had told him to also ask me why I went. I’d told him at the time, and yesterday I said to him “you know why I went!” I did it for two reasons … firstly being tested for me is always what I do after the end of a relationship. Ever since I became aware of GUM clinics (Genito-Urinary Medicine) when I was a teenager and an ex gave me warts, I’ve made a point of getting regularly tested. I also had some curious lumps “down there” that turned out to be nothing but common cysts, but that is why I went down after I moved into my house … not because I had any other symptoms or had anything to worry about!

The thought of ever being with anyone else honestly turns my stomach. It’s not even about sex either because AP really is the best sex I’ve ever had and that is no understatement! The physical side is one thing, but it’s the connection between us mentally that gets me every time. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else. All I need to do if I’m feeling horny is dip my finger somewhere interesting and run it under his nose for him to be like a dog on heat!! TMI huh! Point is … even on nights that AP and I spend together where we aren’t sexual (tired, work head switched on, arguing, not in the mood etc) I never feel rejected or unwanted. It’s just natural between us.

I trust him 1000% too and I have never been able to say that about a partner before – not even my ex husband!! I love that on evenings I’m not with AP, chances are he’s catching up on work and watching a documentary on National Geographic about monkeys in Outer Mongolia or Whale Wars on the discovery channel, and we talk/text about a million times a day on the phone when we’re not together!

The point is, we managed to have a very dodgy subject conversation without putting more holes in our relationship. He was totally happy with my answer and as I have absolutely no symptoms or sign of anything and came up completely clear in my test! He’s as baffled as I am. Are they warts? If they are, are they some kind of non-infectious type or do I have really tiny ones you have to really look for?

We’re going to the GUM clinic together tomorrow morning … it won’t be pleasant but at least we may get some answers!!

AP isn’t well – he showed signs of not being well at all yesterday while we were talking and we’d both put it down to stress from the argument as I’d been feeling lousy too, but he’s got hot and cold shivers, a dry cough, sore throat, over-tiredness (not sleeping at night – tossing & turning) and absolutely no appetite whatsoever. His mum is a nurse in a place where half the staff are off with swine flue, so it’s entirely possible that she’s built up a resistance to the bug (the woman is as strong as an ox for her tiny frame!) but passed it onto him. He has a pretty good immune system himself, but he’s definitely not very well.

I hadn’t expected him to come down to work, but he did… I really thought he would ask me to take a look at his stuff and just check all his orders were okay while I was trying to crack on with my own stuff, but he was there and we both stuck out a full day until I had to pick the kids up from school. Other than him not being well and me still being tired (I must get to bed earlier!!) it was such an obscurely NORMAL day – almost as if the argument hadn’t happened – which is a good thing. We got on with what we had to do at work, then had half an hour left till I had to leave for the school run where we just sat and had a cigarette, a chat and a hug.

We’d arranged for him to come over about 9pm and he fell asleep on his sofa early this evening … he’d assumed my phone call when the kids had gone to bed would wake him up, but his phone ran out of battery! Oooops! It was 10.15pm by the time he called me, hugely apologetic for having fallen asleep and not been here. He had every reason in the world NOT to go jump in his car and come all the way over here, but he did anyway! Aside from the fact he isn’t well, he had to drive out of his way to get fuel as it was past 10pm and the usual garage was shut!

I was very surprised and very happy that he’d said he still wanted to come over for a bit. He has a doctor appt early tomorrow, so he needs to get an early night and a good night’s sleep – the other reason not to have come all the way over here just for an hour or so … but he did.

It feels like so much longer ago since we had that last mega row. We both are feeling a little fragile still and know that it will take a while for our relationship to get back onto that same even keel it was on before, but we both want it

Going to bed before 1am for once – maybe I’ll finally get shot of the Tesco carrier bags under my eyes!

I’ve woken up this morning feeling very tired. It does not feel like a Tuesday today! I hardly slept last night and it was more like 2am by the time I got upstairs to bed. I just kept churning it all over and over again in my head. I’m trying very hard to let go of the lying cheating piece of scum comment because I know he didn’t mean it … I know he regrets it and I don’t want to be guilty of holding onto a hurtful comment and bringing it up over and over again because that’s what he has done recently with mentioning all of the other times I’ve hurt him in the past.

The times I’ve hurt him have been where I’ve said something stupid when I’ve been drinking or he has misunderstood what I was saying, or taken something the wrong way. I spend such a long time apologising and feeling like a piece of shit for hurting him… whereas when he hurts me he does tend to go for an all out crushing blow and then expect his apology to be instantly forgiven (that’s the way I see it anyway).

I am absolutely positive that trying to work at this relationship is the right thing to do, because I refuse to throw away three years of something that has so many other really good points without giving it a damned good try first. At the end of the day though I also need to remember that I stuck around in an unhappy marriage for longer than I really should have done and make sure that whatever I am doing … I am doing it for ME.

AP and I are meeting up later today – we’ve both got work to get on with and the plan is to help each other out to get it done quicker so we can spend time together just relaxing before I have to pick the kids up at 3pm. I’ve just dropped the kids off at school and I’m going to have a LIE DOWN in front of morning TV while I wait for him to call me!

I went up to bed last night after posting and got a few more text apologies from AP before I sent a final reply asking him for some space so I could try and sleep before my 6am alarm. I replied to let him know I’d arranged for my daughter (who had an inset day at school the next day) to be with my mum all day so that he and I could talk. I knew that having my daughter home all day would mean that both AP and I were sat stewing and the only talking we could have done was over the telephone, but with little ears listening it wouldn’t have been a proper conversation anyway. I called my mum late last night and she offered without hesitation to take her off my hands and make cards with her all day today.

This morning by the time I woke up, my heart was already beating through my chest. I was feeling really nervous, I was getting stomach cramps and I was shaking. By the time I’d dropped my daughter off at my mother’s I was having serious second thoughts about going over to see him. I was dreading it. I knew he’d ask for a hug and I didn’t want to have to say no because I was genuinely feeling like I just did not want to be touched. Those words were just repeating in my head along with so many other things that he’s said or done in the past that have brought me down and reduced me to a quivering wreck.

He’d called me earlier this morning to check what time I was going over, but I hadn’t got to the phone in time and when I picked up, the line went dead. I tried ringing back and got a busy line, then he called me back and the first thing he said to me was “did you just hang up on me?” ……….

I pulled up outside his house, but not after sitting around the corner for a few minutes just to count up to eleventy hundred (I didn’t get very far …) before taking a deep breath and knocking on his door.

What happened almost straight away was a bit of a surprise. He thanked me for making the arrangements to be able to go over and talk to him today. He was genuinely grateful, but I said exactly the same to him as I wrote above … that there was absolutely no way I was prepared to go a whole day without at least talking face to face.

I sat down and there was a bit of quiet and awkward chit chat before he got up, said he was going to the toilet and disappeared. When he came back into the room a few minutes later, he sat down, had a face like thunder and said “well I’ve just thrown up and I’m absolutely fine, thanks for asking…” my jaw just dropped to the floor. I started to say that he’d simply told me he was going to the toilet and I had NO IDEA that he wasn’t well, but he shouted all over that and stormed out of the room.

I was told that when he phoned me this morning he asked me how I was … I said no you didn’t … and then was going to correct myself and point out that the first thing he said to me was asking me if I’d just hung up on him. He didn’t give me a chance – he said “Yes I did, you pillock” and although the term pillock isn’t technically the worst insult in the world, it was just one too many.

I got up, said “I won’t stand to be treated this way or talked to like that and I deserve better. I am walking out of here and I want out of this.” I didn’t even slam the door behind me or anything. I got to my car and by the time I had got in, he was stood at the door with a stunned look on his face. I just drove off and didn’t look back. I hadn’t got far round the corner when he phoned me. I answered, pressed speaker phone and told him I’d pull over as I was driving. I’ll cut this part short but basically I was sat there in a layby in my car having a major panic attack, crying my eyes out with my window wipers going because I was crying so much I couldn’t find my hazard warning lights (ohh it was pouring down with rain too). I had him on the end of the phone asking begged me to go back, to give him a chance to talk properly and say sorry to me properly too. He told me he loved me and all I could think to say was that it didn’t feel like he loved me at all. My phone went dead and I lost the signal. I sat there knowing I was a wreck, but knowing I would be MORE of a wreck if I ended up driving away and leaving it like that. Even if it was over I hadn’t wanted it to be like that.

As soon as my car pulled up outside his door he was there on the pathway. He kept thanking me over and over again for going back, said he’d thought he would possibly never see me again and that the thought of losing me had just crushed him. He said … in between tears … that he thought he knew what was going on and why we’ve been arguing such a lot. I told him that if he had even the remotest idea than I very much wanted to hear it. He also kept saying he was so very sorry …

He told me he’d realised a couple of months ago that he’d fallen more and more in love with me and said he should have just told me. He went on to say that he felt what he’d been doing was pushing me away instead of holding me closer because he’d been so scared of getting hurt again. I have trouble understanding just why you would push somebody away if you are in love with them … but I understand about being scared of getting hurt – HELLO!

The conversation that came out of that was something very different for us. Instead of laying blame, making me feel like a piece of shit and then saying it wasn’t about blame … AP admitted he had possibly he had baited me for arguments but not realising he had been doing it at the time and without the intention of actually creating one. I felt such a weight lift from my shoulders because it was like I AM NOT FRIGGING CRAZY OR IMAGINING THIS! Some of our arguments come from out of absolutely nowhere and leave my jaw on the floor.

We were both able to sit there and say well okay, yes hands up, I admit I can be guilty of doing that and I’ll watch out for that in the future. He also recognised that I had been making a lot of effort in our relationship and he’d noticed that there had been several occasions recently where I could have stormed off during an argument (not including today!!) but hadn’t – because I’d made a promise to try not to and stuck to it – or at least made a really good attempt to! The same with hanging up on the phone too – I promised him I’d try to do that less. He’d noticed that after I promised him I’d make more of an effort to say what was on my mind when he asked instead of a standard “fine” in reply - that I actually had been fessing up and saying “okay I have something on my mind” or “something is bugging me, can I ask you a question?”

Basically he noticed and mentioned all of the little things I’d been doing and he hadn’t and he was so very very sorry. Especially for the name calling. He has promised me that it will never ever happen again. He said sorry for the shouting, for the talking over me because he did know he was doing it at the time.

I let him do a lot of the talking … it’s a really really long story and it’s already gone 1am now, but cutting it very short … he asked me to give him another chance and told me I would never ever doubt his love ever again. I said sorry for all of the things I’ve ever said that have hurt his feelings because honestly and truly – I don’t want to hurt this man! I love him!

He also said he’d get some clearasil for his spotty bum :-p

There is too much that is too good about us to let this go without really REALLY giving us a chance to shake our baggage once and for all. When we aren’t arguing (which admittedly has been a lot recently!) it is sooooo amazing between us. He told me that before the arguing started and during the good bits between the arguing, he was walking around on cloud nine and his feet weren’t even touching the floor. I was the same and had a permanent goofy grin on my face because I was so happy! We both want that back again.

He’s prepared to put in the effort too and we both talked about things that we can do to make it easier for the other person. For example I told him that even though it drove me absolutely nuts that he kept calling me last night, I would probably have been more hurt if he’d just disappeared and not even attempted to contact me, so that was definitely a good thing. I said please please if you need a hug and I’m not getting the vibe because I am off in another world or stewing so badly in silence during an argument, then ask me for one or just bloody well come and put your arms round me and get one! Equally I’ll try to snap myself out of things and be the one to ask for a hug first more often when things are at that “almost resolved but still a bit awkward” stage. He promised me he truly hadn’t meant what he’d said about the lying, cheating piece of scum comment and apologised over and over for it. It was a heat of the moment piece of trash meant to hurt my feelings because he needed to lash out. It was uncalled for, unnecessary and he truly will beat himself up for it longer than I ever could or would anyway!

As long as we can learn from this horrible couple of months and come out of it a stronger couple and more in love, then it will have been worth it. Just no more frigging arguments please!!!

“It’s hard when your girlfriend is a lying, cheating piece of scum” – AP’s words in the aftermath of an argument that started earlier today (after something I’d said last night that hurt his feelings) and carried on over the phone this evening when the kids came home.

It’s all way too long and complicated to explain in full, but apparently because he phoned back to apologise right away and because he has never ever indicated that he feels I actually AM a lying, cheating piece of scum that I should accept his apology for calling me one!

I’ll be as “brief” as I can … I need to put this day to bed. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve had enough of today.

To be truthful I don’t remember whether there was a few seconds or a lot of seconds before I spoke after that, but all I could muster up to say was “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel then” and put the phone down. He called back straight away to apologise and said it was out of frustration and anger and that of course he didn’t mean it… I’ve ignored his calls ever since other than to answer one and say to please just leave me alone because I didn’t want to speak to him. I very calmly said thank you for the apology and that I just didn’t want to talk. I haven’t counted the number of calls I ignored – it’s a lot.

Last night when we were laying in bed, I made a comment in reference to spotty bums. He said my arse was just about as spotty as his was, and I said that I didn’t have a very spotty arse! This upset him, but because I’d inadvertantly said that he does have – which – if we’re telling the truth here – he does actually have a spotty bum! We’d both been drinking and I was tired, I hadn’t realised it had upset him until this morning. I woke up at 6am to find him laying there wide awake saying he hadn’t slept at all, telling me I’d been rolling away from him during the night … he got up and went downstairs and I followed him down a few minutes later. He didn’t say anything then. We went back up to bed, and when we woke up properly a few hours later, I hurried myself in getting ready to leave because I knew he had to be back for his dog. The atmosphere was tense, but he didn’t say anything about being upset … I assumed he was quiet because of what happened BEFORE the comment (which I’m not even going to go into right now!!!)

I’m cutting out some details to get as much out as I possibly can …

As soon as I realised I’d hurt his feelings, I apologised – or tried to … he spent a great deal of time trying to explain exactly how his feelings were hurt and whenever he said something I felt he’d assumed wrong or wasn’t true, I had to bite my tongue or he’d shoot me a filthy look and walk off – which he did a couple of times. I purposely MAKE myself not react aloud and just let him finish speaking. I felt unable to try to explain that his assumptions weren’t true, for fear of being accused of interrupting … so when he stopped talking mid-sentence, I said nothing … and then I was in the wrong because I hadn’t said anything.

Whatever I did I was in the wrong and I am NOT saying that to make myself sound like a matyr because that’s what AP accuses me of if I come out with anything remotely like that in conversation! It DOES feel like it! AP had wanted a hug with the apology. He said to me later on that’s all he’d wanted … just a hug. I didn’t hug him which led to him being more pissed off with me because I should KNOW that he wants a hug and sometimes *I* should just hug him… apparently. It’s also not okay for me to reply that I’m not a mind reader and that sometimes he should say he needs a hug… because see previous comment on how he’s mentioned this before and that sometimes it’s nice to just be hugged!

Our last argument I was in the wrong because I offered a hand as a peace offering instead of giving him a hug… also apparently I stop abuptly mid-sentence almost as if I am about to break up with him – this is a pattern and I do it all the time. Actually I have very much been working on myself with things like that. I used to have a habit of walking out and hanging up the phone on him all the time … but these days my feet stay firmly glued on the floor and unless I’ve really been pushed … like being called a lying, cheating piece of scum … I try very hard not to get angry and hang up the phone but to just stay quiet and breathe. In a mirror image world, I see a similar thing from the other point of view … that he is almost baiting me to get me to break up with him. Whenever this is mentioned (he has brought this up before) I’ve told him that just because we have an argument does not mean I assume automatically that things are over. The problem is … the more we are arguing, the less I am seeing the sunnier side.

The lying, cheating piece of scum refers back to when I briefly earned some money escorting. AP and I had a brief and intense “affair” that lasted about 4 months and he ended it ultimately because I was married. We had a period after our “affair” had ended and I was still living with my ex-husband (but marriage was over) where AP and I were just friends and would see each other a few times a week for a cuppa or a smoke. He sees it that we were still “involved” with each other and he didn’t see anyone else, so when he found out I’d been escorting he saw it as cheating on him. I had no idea at the time that he even remotely saw us as a couple because he’d ended our affair and we weren’t being sexual or intimate with each other. The lying part is because when he confronted me and asked me if I had anything to tell him, I said no and because I didn’t fess up – something I was deeply embarrassed about and had told NOBODY about at the time … it made me a liar.

The piece of scum part? Ack I don’t know … maybe that bit is warranted?

I deeply regret that part of my life. I did it to pay off a big bill that wolves weren’t just beating down the door for … they were literally about to unscrew the hinges and walk off with the fucking thing. If I actually had any clue whatsoever that AP still saw us as together at that point then my behaviour & actions would have been very different.

UPDATE – I did answer a few more of his calls in the end because he just kept ringing. It led to more shouting, more of me asking him NOT to shout at me, him telling me he wasn’t shouting, me telling him I wasn’t listening as he was shouting so much I had to hold the phone away from my ear …

Eventually … after a few more phone calls, he broke down crying and had to hang up… but not after apologising saying that maybe my life would be better without him in it.  He did text and say sorry for hanging up because he was crying too much to talk.

He also calls me melodramatic.

Somehow this will end up being twisted into making something that was about him into something about me … I can see it already.

One good thing about the kids being off school for half term is that I don’t have to get up at 6.30am, but at the same time I don’t like to sleep in too long either or it ends up completely wasting the entire day.

It’s VERY difficult juggling the housework, shopping, laundry, bills, errands and children and work and my relationship with AP when they are off school as they need entertaining! I’m self employed, so I am the boss which makes it a lot easier than some other single parents, but I have to take them down to my premises with me and they get soooo bored… which means I end up not getting as much done as I should … which means orders are delayed. The post office is also having major strikes at the moment and there is now a strike on for the next three days and things are then delayed even MORE before they get to the customers.

UGH it is so frustrating. I wish there were more hours in the day and more days in the week to get everything done because it always gets to late at night and I find I have run out of time to get everything done. Once the time has gone there is no way to get it back again and I find that I kick myself so much for wasting time. For example when I’ve spent an hour just sat on facebook doing pointless quizzes or playing Solitaire in the middle of the day … I could have been sorting out paperwork, tackling a chunk of the ironing, working on the website, cleaning the bathroom or even taking a short nap let alone one of eleventy hundred other things on my “to do” list … *sigh* I need to make better use of my time.

I fell asleep on AP last night – ooopsie! The kids were at their dad’s, AP and I had shared a bottle of wine, just started on the second, were in a half state of nakedness and … the alcohol just hit and I had to lay down and go to sleep!! I entirely blame the fact that I had been so flippin’ knackered earlier in the day and hadn’t managed to get everything done – or find time for an hour’s nap – or eat anything and the alcohol just went straight to my head!!

I’m just soooooo tired …………

I finally faced one of the dreaded tasks I’d been putting off for a while today, and it turned out not to be quite as scary as I’d expected… I phoned the bank! My business bank account is in a hell of a state and I’ve been avoiding looking at it for way too long. The result is that although it is still scary, it is actually significantly less scary than I had anticipated! That was a weight off my shoulders!

Tonight AP came over and helped me to design new labels for my products as well. We spent a good couple of hours huddled in front of the computer working on the layout and graphics for it, and it has to be said – the new labels look terrific! I have to order in the new sized shiny label paper but hopefully that won’t take too long to get here. AP and I do work really well as a team too … just as he was about to say “move it across to the left a bit” … my hand was hovering over the mouse to move it over to the left a bit! We were just really on the same wavelength.

I love that he believes in what I do and my products … he must do or he wouldn’t have already forked over £1500 to help me get out of my last sticky situation! I knew it before that anyway, but if there was ever a quiver of doubt then it was that!

Okay I’m knackered – it’s too late and I’ll catch up with my head another time as my pillow is calling …….