Oooooooooh well I never thought for a minute it would be THIS long till I posted again! I had every intention of writing about my day to day stuff, but the truth is … I have been way too busy enjoying my life to post about it! A few of my regular readers have contacted me to say they were gagging for an update … so here goes!!
The last couple of weeks in brief full glorious technicolour!!
Love … ohh it’s a wonderful thing isn’t it! My relationship with AP has changed up by so many levels and honestly I’ve never been happier! People say that all the time, but I really mean it! It was almost worth going through the pain and heart ache of splitting up a couple of months ago to be where we are at now because it’s just amazing. AP is not a man who talks bullshit, so when he told me that he loved me more than he had ever loved anybody in the past … I knew he meant it. We have fallen hard for each other.
We’ve discovered so much about each other on a sexual level too – I’m not going to go into detail, but it has been amazing to discover things I never knew about my own body as well as my partner’s! I find it unbelievable that I have got to the age of 34 and not known some of this stuff! AP and I are both fairly sexually experienced from our pasts, but we both love that a lot of the things we’ve been doing sexually have been firsts for us both … and this in itself has been an incredible turn on to discover this and find this all out together.
AP is self employed and really snowed under with work at the moment, but he totally blew off work last night (Weds) when the kids were with their dad and all day today (Thurs) to spend with me. I usually help him when he gets really busy and I’d anticipated us spending a couple of hours working on his current project but he was adamant that nope, we needed to spend some serious quality time together, and even though it’s meant he’s actually now a week behind because of the prep he missed out on doing too … the time together was incredible and so worth it. Work is always something that would turn AP non-sexual too … if he got too far behind, his sexual button was just switched off while he was in work mode. The simple fact that he gave up on his time to get caught up to be with me and just relax together was a huge enormous signal on his part!!!
My kids are off school for the summer now and my ex and I have finally reached an agreement on the arrangements during the six weeks. He has them every Weds night and every other weekend which is four out of fourteen nights every fortnight … or less than 100 hours per month. During the school holidays it is very difficult for me to work on MY business. I’m self employed too and my business is currently worth shit – in fact it’s in debt so actually worth less than shit! I can bring it out of that but all the while I am with the children during the working day … it makes it very difficult. I am entitled to childcare vouchers, but with my son’s ADHD & Autism, he needs to be in the care of people who understand his disabilities and his limitations without labelling him as a troublemaker. He’s not an easy child to take care of if you don’t know how his mind works, so it’s not that simple.
I have managed to get my ex to agree to take his children for two weeks during the school holidays so that I can get a break and even this took a lot of aggro from him before he would agree to it. He just kept ignoring the fact that I need to work too. AP and I will probably end up going away somewhere for a couple of nights (he’s hinted at this!!), but other than that I need to put maximum effort into my business during that time.
Me without what I do is like asking a duck to live without water. It can do it but it won’t truly be happy. AP has been a huge part of motivating me with this. He’s had some genuinely terrific ideas that could really help to push my business forward… all it takes is for me to grab the bull by the horns, get my backside in gear and really go for it. Thanks to AP’s ass kicking I’m raring to go!
Again I find myself going back to just talking about AP and how much in love I am!
The last six weeks with AP have been amazing. We’ve talked – and talked – and talked… and as a result we’ve both fallen deeper and deeper in love with each other. He says it … but he actually doesn’t need to because I really FEEL it from him. The way he looks at me … the way he totally fills me with confidence about my body as well as my mind is totally mindblowing to me. I have a man who not only finds me attractive, but who really really actually loves me too. We both say “I love you” all the time now … it’s not a habit thing or over-said to make a point … it’s naturally said by either or both of us when the time is right … which to be honest is most of the time right now!!
The only thing worrying me even a little bit is that he still has a concern that I might even possibly cheat on him. I don’t blame him because I still have some of the same insecurities. I don’t necessarily think he’ll cheat on me – that thought doesn’t actually even occur to me… but I’ve been guilty of worrying about other attractive women and that I’m not good enough. It’s ridiculous I know. The thing that makes the whole idea of either of us cheating is that to be this much in love with somebody and for them to feel the same way about you … to be so insanely physically attracted to each other with such an amazing sex life (and I mean amazing!) and to still have the friendship connection, the ability to really talk and be honest, the connection and the everything else …
What AP and I have isn’t something you just throw away on a whim because someone else caught your eye because it just isn’t going to happen! I have no eye for starters! I look at men that are supposed to be “good looking” and feel totally a-sexual because I am so crazy about AP that it doesn’t register that there are attractive men out there. AP is the only man I ever want to be with for the rest of my life. He is gorgeous and he’s sexy and all mine … I don’t ever want anything or anyone else! If I had to live my life without AP then I’d stay single – pure and simple because after finding something this good … how can there be anything else??
It’s our own past baggage that has held us back from this point so far … but the more I understand the way AP looks at me … I realise that he loves ME for who I am, that he is turned on by me … that he fancied me when I was bigger and fancied me when I was smaller! Just because I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost and I’m not 100% happy with my body doesn’t make me unattractive in the eyes of my boyfriend! Equally AP needs to learn that just because we have a big blow up that our relationship isn’t necessarily over, and that if we have a row the day before we are due to see each other… that I’m not picking an argument to avoid seeing him the next day. Both things that have come up recently and been talked about.
We’re both getting there too … day by day the insecurities are melting away. Maybe we were possibly both unconsciously looking for reasons not to trust each other because when it’s this good – surely it’s too good to be true? … but it isn’t. This is very real and it actually really can be this good when you meet the right person.
My kids both deserve a mention in my update! Before school finished for the year I had a call from one of my son’s teachers to tell me that he had won one of the school’s annual awards that would be presented in assembly, and this knocked me for six! This is the boy who this time last year would be spinning around in circles during assembly or trying to hide in the curtains or generally being disruptive… and he won a “Bookworm” trophy! He was given the award because he loves facts and information and always has his head in a book! When the head gave out the award, he commented on what a source of valuable information my son is because he reads so much. I had tears in my eyes … I was so proud!
Since I left their dad I’ve been to hell and back almost literally with his behaviour but it has paid off. I started a chore chart and implemented new punishments and new rewards, totally restricted the time they could both spend on the computer and watching television … and the result has been much better behaved children!
Even my daughter who has just turned 11 seems to have dropped a lot of her attitude and she’s working hard, looking forward to her new school and again – always has her nose in a book! She is still cheeky, but with a dose of respect on the side and always apologises if she pushes me too far! I’m raising these kids good!
My son still has the very occasional bed wetting incident and very very occasional #2 accident but on the whole he has done brilliantly. I like to think that it’s down to me too! I don’t allow the children to spend hours on the computer or hours watching TV at a time … so he’s never too engrossed in something that he can’t think about going to the toilet instead of having an accident! The bed-wetting I can deal with. It isn’t every night and if I wake him before I go to bed at night then it isn’t a problem anyway!!
So yeah … life is good … life is great … I’m just mega busy living it instead of blogging constantly about how crap everything is!! I have the kids most of the time during the week while they are on school holidays, then pretty much all my “spare” time is spent with AP!
I will TRY to update more often but those who know where to find me on facebook know what’s going on day to day meanwhile! LOL
Love Nessa xx
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