Oh WOW and DOUBLE WOW!!

It’s been an amazing weekend of the wow, double wow and even triple wow kind. Both of us completely blew off work for the entire weekend to just be alone and spend some quality time together. It’s really been needed with everything we’ve been through recently and it was amazing to have that time just for us. We both agreed we had spent way too long arguing over the last few months and needed to ignore our friends & families, stay away from email and facebook and pretty much switch off from the world.

SOOOOOO that’s exactly what we did! As we’re both self employed it just means we have one hell of a busy Monday and possibly some pissed off customers, but we’ll fix those because damn it was worth it! 

We finally got exactly what we have been needing for so long now – some time to be alone together just the two of us – and the conversations that just absolutely astounded me. We both know we have a future together, but it was very very nice to have your other half actually tell you the reasons just why they love you, tell you that you are beautiful, sexy and their dream woman simply because of the silly(and some not so silly) quirky things you do! Our relationship – when we aren’t arguing LOL – is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. AP is my boyfriend and my kinky lover, my best friend, my partner and my other half – all rolled into one, and damn I fancy the shit out of him too! I look at him and GRRRRR I want him!!

AP told me straight out that he wants to have babies with me and that he’s talking about the not too distant future. He even came out and admitted that he’d had the odd thought pop into his head to say “tell her to just stop taking the pill and we’ll see what happens…”  I told him I’d had the odd thought about maybe missing the odd pill here or there and just seeing what happens. Obviously he didn’t and I didn’t but mad we’d both been thinking along the same lines there! It was a really good conversation because we both know we are on each other’s wavelength there as well – that it is something that we both very much want, but that we also want to plan and decide together rather than be a happy accident.

We talked about how bits of my rented house are falling off (lights broken, toilet seat fixings are broken, kitchen needs replacing) and how his 2 bed place suffers from nasty mould during the wet weather and how small it is. His answer. WE need a new house. That wasn’t we need new houses in the plural, that was WE need “A” new house singular … and my assumption could only be that he meant we would all share said new house!

The downside is that I lose out on certain benefits and would take a hit in my tax credits, but we’d save a fortune on cheese. This is a true fact and we discovered this when we went shopping at Sainsburys over the weekend. Long story and you had to be there really LOL but it involves lots of different types of cheese EACH because after we’d worked our way through tasting all of the different red leicesters and a new wensleydale … we were hungry and had to buy some of every one we’d liked EACH!!

I think basically very slowly – we are going to start just looking in the paper for 4 bed houses to rent – just to see what is about, how much etc, and maybe some time after Christmas sit down, put our pennies (and piles of cheese) together and see what we can come up with!

We certainly reached a new depth of closeness this weekend which makes the arguments seem even more stupid, ridiculous and insignificant now. We wasted so much valuable time that we could have been snuggling up and we don’t get enough time together! We aren’t going to waste any more by arguing or being silly. We’ve learned a lot from it all and damnit, he is my ideal guy for so many reasons!

I’m not going to go into detail but as far as our sex life goes, let’s just say neither of us have ANY complaints and in fact it’s almost too much of the opposite! We have far too many ideas and not enough time to explore them all! He suggested something as almost a joke-but-do-you-fancy-trying-it kind of way … I sat up, spent a few seconds working out logistics in my head and said “Why the fuck not?!” Within about three minutes we had googled a search term, come up with a website where a few things found their way into a shopping cart and AP was handing me cash for half of the order!

Anyway, I’ve had a couple of very late nights and after the weekend antics I need some rest! LOL It’s going to be a busy Monday!!!

He’s my rock

AP has been absolutely amazing. Not only did he show up here the other night with £1500 in cash for me to help me get a big debt paid off and make the bailiff go away … but he was also here when the bailiff arrived on the doorstep to collect it the following morning. He made damned sure he was here well before Bailiff Bloke rang the doorbell as he did not want me in the house by myself when I handed over that much cash. It meant so much that I hadn’t even had to ASK him if he’d come over and be here with me – he just knew I’d need him and assumed he’d be here.

My boyfriend is my best friend, my partner, my equal and my everything. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

The weight that was lifted from my shoulders after clearing that much from a debt (£2,200) in CASH all in one hit was phenomenal. I literally felt the bubbles rising up and the weight just disappearing from me – I felt about 50lbs lighter just from stress relief. I still have a LOT to figure out financially and a LONG way to go until I am even close to being back at zero again, but it’s been down to AP – so much of it.

If it hadn’t been for him the other day, then I would have lost my TV, my new PC, my stereo, the games consoles, my car … it would all have been gone as that guy was a real CUNT and scared the crap out of me on the doorstep. He was absolutely there for me in a way that a boyfriend and partner really should be – to back you up and support you no matter what, and do whatever the hell it is that they can to get you out of the shit that you are in. It’s what you do for each other. I would have done exactly the same if the situation was reversed and I had cash to “spare” in my rainy day fund or the “muscle” to be there as support when a bailiff turned up!

It was Wednesday night last night … AP stayed over here and all I’ll say is ***** GRIN *****

Well ok I’ll say a little more than that! We’ve always been able to be very free and open with each other intimately and sexually and it’s always been one of the sexiest things about “us” … the talking and winding each other up! I suggested something to AP a little while ago that was just an “I-haven’t-overly-been-thinking-about-this-or-anything-but-now-I’m-thinking-about-it-and-it-sounds-quite-horny-and-I-fancy-trying-it” kinda thing … I’m NOT going into detail but it took something he suggested as a fantasy that we do quite often, that little further – his eyes widened at the prospect and last night we tried it out. OH WOW!

Both of us collapsed afterwards in a naked, sweaty, heavy-breathing heap on the floor just grinning like great big grinning things, and alternating between looking at each other, grinning again and trying to catch our breath!

I have NEVER had a relationship like this before. I have NEVER felt so comfortable with someone that I could turn around and ASK them outright for something sexually let alone tentatively suggest it which is all I’ve ever done in the past for something very mild and vanilla with my ex-husband!! I’ve never EVER had someone turn around to me and ask the same either and for us both to know that we are on such a similar level that even if what is suggested isn’t something that we’d ever even thought of before, the reply is “well hell yeah I’ll try it and if I like it, we’ll try it again just to be sure, and if I really like it then we’ll just have to practice at it – a lot.” We both did a fair bit of experimenting before we met each other and I actually think from what he’s said … my past number/experimentation is a lot more kinky than his, but to be able to actually say that err there’s a huge long list of things we’ve done together that are firsts for the pair of us is … well yeah that’s pretty new

It’s not just the amazing sex though – it’s way deeper than that (pun intended LOL!)  I’ve said this all along … with AP it’s the everything else as well

An argument, a bailiff and wow

If I’d had a chance to write everything out properly on Monday night I would have been up until stupid o’clock … and probably waffled on unnecessarily about all of the gory details. Thankfully I found my friend LC online on facebook and after crying my eyes out in an online chat to her and getting it all out, I managed to calm down.

AP and I had a stupid argument that wasn’t even an argument until we started arguing about the lead up to the argument!! It sounds just as crazy as it actually was … and that was the whole point – it was SO stupid. Basically AP thought I was annoyed and pissed off … even though i wasn’t and he kept asking me what was wrong … but nothing was wrong! I did have a few niggly bits on my mind, but nothing to do with “us” … just the aggro I’m getting from my son and his behaviour at the moment, my money worries … nothing major, nothing new and all it was …. was trying to crack on with work and get stuff done as quickly as possible. I wanted to work with no interruptions – or as few as possible so that I could get everything done and have time left for us to spend together.

What I learned from it is that no matter how niggly or minor – and even if it is nothing to do with “us” … I should tell him what was on my mind even if it is something ridiculous and tiny like what to cook for dinner or that I’ve realised I’ve run out of  fabric softener. He – and men in general love to fix things. I’m not generalising about the male species here – it’s TRUE. Men have an inbuilt need to make things right and it drives them insane – especially when they think there is something that needs fixing and they can’t fix it. It is a similar thing with a woman’s insistence on saying “I’m fine” when we clearly aren’t.

I’m not going to go over the ins and outs of the argument … we tried to resolve it over the phone yesterday after I’d picked the kids up so that he could come over here last night … and although we tried, we both still had niggles that needed to be talked about and we have BOTH agreed that this talking lark is actually a very good thing. It can piss the other person off at the time, but saying what is on your mind is MUCH better than letting things bug you! It’s a new thing for both of us and it is taking some getting used to, but we’re trying.

AP ended up storming out of here at 11.30pm last night. I was so utterly dumfounded and I’d really expected him to come back a few minutes later but he didn’t and I was a wreck. If my friend LC hadn’t been online then I would probably have been through all the wine in the fridge, drunk myself into a stupor and been awake all night. AP started calling about 15 minutes later – when he would have got home … and he didn’t stop calling.

I answered about the 4th call just to ask him to stop calling. He’d walked out and I was not in any frame of mind to talk over the phone… but the arguing just started again. I was still chatting online to LC and she was pretty much insisting I switched off the phone … so I did.

Life has a funny way of throwing you your good friends just when you need them the most, and all three of my bestest (real life) friends in the whole wide world have totally been there for me ! LC caught me online last night when I was at a real low and we’ve chatted via online message today, then TW was there this evening and called me for a proper talk after a brief online chat, and EJ sent me an online message saying “update meeeeeee!!!!” that came through while I was in the middle of a 45 minute call to TW!! My online friends too … those of you that post on my facebook status or PM me asking me about the glitter trail when I have posted a status update that implies something bad but not updated my blog … thank you to you guys too … and BC – although we only tend to talk via my blog at the moment, your thoughts and input are so important to me. You’ve become a real friend over the last couple of years. Whenever I post about an argument with AP I just know you’ll be sat there with guns blazing ready to fire off when needed! You have my back and I love you for it.

This morning I knew he’d call so I just switched my phone off as soon as I’d got the kids to school. I needed to wait in for a delivery for work, so it was convenient to grab my duvet and just bury myself on the sofa until the delivery man rang the doorbell … or till AP rang the doorbell!!

Okay so yes, he was persistent, but if it were the other way around I would be even more pissed off!! If he just walked away and never called me … or never came over and made an attempt to resolve things, then … well that would be even worse. I AM GLAD he came over.

We sat there in silence for a little bit, then hugged and talked. The “stop and hug” rule is such a good one We both knew we had been ridiculous and that it was such a stupid thing to get wound up with each other about! We argue over such flippin’ stupid stuff too! We seem to have had quite a few arguments recently, but they aren’t exactly about major issues or about things that really make a difference to our lives! It usually starts off as a misunderstanding or something mis-heard which creates a weird atmosphere that we both allow to build up. We don’t ever have any arguments about issues, or big massive problems in our relationship – it’s only ever over such stupid stuff (read not stupid at the time LOL) if we had huge problems that couldn’t be overcome then I would be worried!

ANYWAY ……. the other major part of today … I had a bailiff on my door again and this time he had a warrant to come in and take my stuff. It’s a long story but it’s to do with the business rates on my work premises. What I thought I was already paying off is apparently only one of two outstanding bills for business rates for the last two years that together amount to around £4k including costs. I managed to buy myself a few hours grace to get him to go away and come back a couple of hours later because I genuinely and honestly was so utterly confused by the whole thing and needed to speak to his office. I even showed him my receipt for payment when the last bailiff turned up on my door and that it had been agreed that by pretty much emptying my bank account at the time, it would be acceptable to pay by installments and the same guy even dropped in the payment slips for me so I could pay it over the counter directly at the bank. I couldn’t understand how it had ended up at that point …

THANK FUCK that AP was here. If he hadn’t been here then I dread to think what sort of state I would have got myself into. AP was asking me all kinds of questions about it that I just didn’t have answers for, so he got me to phone the bailiff. AP had such a helpless look on his face while I was on the phone because he could tell it was a mean and nasty CUNT that I was talking to. Believe me I hate that word and use it very sparingly. AP literally took the phone out of my hand and took over the conversation with the awful man. It was exactly what I needed as I was getting myself wound up and flustered. Somehow AP managed to ask the questions and get the answers.

Bailiffs do *not* actually have the power to badger you and ultimately they are bound if you make a payment offer even at a late date to get them to GO AWAY. The bailiff told him that he needed a minimum £1600 ($2600 in USD for my American friends) by tomorrow morning or he’d be calling back to take my belongings because I’d previously signed something called a Walking Posession Order when the last bailiff called. TW pointed out to me that the WPO was for the other debt that I’d agreed installments on and therefore not applicable to the current situation … but ultimately it came down to me still having two debts and both needed paying.

I did have a leg to stand on because of the whole confusion on the two different debts as I’d thought it was a single balance I owed … and the office did agree with me on that, but the other side of ultimately is that I still owe the money either way. It is as black & white as that, and as AP points out to me, until my business has absolutely NO DEBTS whatsoever then it has no chance of making any money because even every single penny that I get personally is ultimately payable to my business to clear the debts. He is right, but even he said that obviously you can’t live like that and you have to pay bills, buy food, afford two children etc … but his point is that the sooner the debts are paid off … the sooner I get to actually breathe and sleep properly instead of worrying, and the sooner I actually start to MAKE money back again. It’s either that or go bankrupt, close the doors on the biz and get a crappy job to fit in with school hours. This really is not an option!!

AP also doesn’t expect me to be able to magic money out of nowhere and an ideal world is just that! BUT he asked me how much I thought I could reasonably come up with towards it and still be able to live and I said I could withdraw £300 ($490USD) in cash from my bank account this afternoon as long as I had a very basic budget for next month, and that I could probably ask my mum for around £300-400 as a loan for a few months. AP said if I could come up with the £700 between me and what I could get from my mum, then he had £1,300 that he could give me towards it which would be £2k ($3,275 in USD for my American friends!) The bailiff only needs £1600 to go away, so to give him what he wants plus as much extra as I can scrape together towards the rest of the debt could only go in my favour as far as getting them to put the rest on an installment plan and keeping the wolves from the door goes.

You have to love parents – even as a 34 year old independent woman I still every now and again have to borrow some cash from my mother! She’s loaned me before and because I do try to always pay her back as quickly as possible because it leaves the Bank Of Mum open for another loan in the future if it is needed!! She totally came through for me with £400 and she did a bank transfer so it went straight to my account so I can withdraw the cash in the morning for the bailiff.

THEN AP TURNED UP WITH £1,500 IN CASH FOR ME!

He is totally going without himself this month as well so that he could get me as much cash as possible and it isn’t a loan either. He said he’s been using my workplace as storage space for long enough and that it was about time he paid me some rent. He said he’d been planning on giving me some rent money all along to put towards my actual business rent at the premises, but that needs be as needs must and that it was more important to get the bailiff paid off right now. He has also offered to take care of paying my mum back because he knows that every single penny my business is making goes straight into the biz account to pay off the small business loan that I took out a few years ago and that all of the supplies I’ve bought for the business have come out of my own pocket too. He knows and he can see that I am doing as much as I can now and that my head IS motivated to sorting it all out.

I now have £2,200 in cash to give to the bailiff tomorrow morning which is enough to completely wipe out one of the two business rates debts, pay all of the bailiff costs and put a small dent into the other rates debt. the bailiff even said to me on the phone that if I paid the £1600 then that would be enough to set up an installment plan for £250 a month ($410USD) for the final balance over the next 5 months – until the new rates bill is due in April 2010.

AP plans on having my mother paid back within the month and another big £1,100 chunk of the business rates taken care of well before Christmas as a total of £3K that he has given me which he said covers his rent on my workspace for a year. He suggested that I can then take the £250 a month that I would have been putting aside for the bailiff and pay it straight to my landlord at work towards my rent debt there. I’ve been incredibly lucky that I’ve been given a year rent free at work – as long as I try to stay on top of the maintenance (electric, gas, water rates etc) then they will not worry about what I owe for now and review the situation in January. It is an incredibly generous offer and I need to be paying them something to keep them sweet as they have been extremely patient with me!

AP has been so incredibly amazing. It’s not even about the money, but the fact that he came straight over this evening to give me £1,500 in cash is beyond words and I am still speechless over that one. He’s been an absolute rock today. He was totally there for me when I was about to crumble, but with his help and knowing my friends were 100% there for me made such a difference to how the day actually turned out today.

AP is my partner in more ways than one. He’s not just my boyfriend and my “other half”, but he is genuinely my partner in all senses of the word. He wants to invest in me as a business partner and  use the money he’s making in dribs and drabs to actually invest in something he knows is worthwhile (ie me!) and make money for the pair of us in the future. He has some phenomenal ideas too for going forwards.

One thing I definitely know for absolute DEFINITE now if I had even an inkling of doubt before … AP is definitely just as in this for the long haul as I am or he just wouldn’t have moved heaven and hell to bring me £1500 in cash this evening. Again it’s not even just about the money – it’s the way he was 100% there for me in support when it came to crunch time regardless of whatever else was going on between us at the time.

AP is everything I have ever wanted in a man/partner! My ex drove me mad with his refusal to talk and the way he would bury his head in the sand, not even acknowledging that there was even a problem in the first place! AP won’t even let it go an hour before phoning me or showing up on the doorstep if I don’t answer. We do have our problems, but at the end of the day they are such stupid minor ones – nothing that relates to anything major, and nothing we can’t work out or move past. We argue for … well, I am still trying to work that one out.

Today was a real wake up call … in so many senses of the word. My relationship, my business and even my kids/parenting skills to a certain degree with everything else going on with my son and his behaviour right now!!!

I learned a lot today, but above all else I really know without a shadow of a doubt that AP really really and truly does love me. Not just that, but he loves me more than I think I have ever been loved before – even by my husband at the happiest point of our marriage! His love seems to be as unconditional as that of a parent or established family member and this is all new on me. No matter how deep the d0-do gets for me with money and debts, my son or anything else …. AP is there absolutely and unequivocably without a doubt in support and motivation. The next time we argue, I need to remember just how much he does love me and maybe be the first to back down and ask for a hug more often!

We HAVE agreed that talking properly has been a new and very different thing for both of us and that it is taking some getting used to in order to be completely open and honest about things that are on our minds. Sometimes you need to think about things to yourself before you talk to your other half to make sure you’ve thought it through properly … we both agree on this and both still need to learn to give each other the leeway and trust that the other WILL talk … when they are ready.

So that is my last 48 hours … and now I am going to bed!!

He loves me just the way I am!

          “You really don’t get it do you?” He looked at his girlfriend and watched closely as the expression on her face turned to one of complete confusion. She was so beautiful and she looked even more adorable as the furrows wrinkled on her brow while she tried desperately to work out exactly what he meant.
          “I love YOU and that means all of you,” he said as his face broke out into an enormous smile, “I love every single bit of  you! For the record I love your shape and I *love* your body! I even purposely touch and kiss your stomach and your stretch marks to show you that you shouldn’t be worried about a thing because you look great! I see you move your hand there when I go near your stomach because you are conscious of it but you shouldn’t be. You don’t have a ‘jelly belly’ and you certainly aren’t fat! You are sexy, gorgeous and beautiful, but most of all…” He paused to look at her and just drink her in … “Most of all it’s the connection up here,” he said pointing to his head and then hers. “We just fit - every bit of me and every bit of you.”

The best bit? That wasn’t an excerpt from a romance novel … it was pretty much word for word what AP said to me last night! I feel amazing – I feel absolutely incredible and I think I’ve finally taken a big stick to a huge enormous demon too! I fessed up – I told AP that I’d realised what I was doing was projecting my insecurities onto him and way he nodded emphatically and breathed a sigh of relief was a good sign! He told me that was exactly it, but that he knew that I couldn’t be told that either or I would have blown up at him and got defensive (he’s probably very maybe definitely right!!) because I needed to work it out for myself. 

He’s noticed the difference in me recently. It’s what kicked it all off and made me bring up the subject that prompted him to say what he did! He mentioned that over the last couple of weeks I’ve seemed to be in a happier place and that I’d probably noticed by the way he can’t keep his hands off me!

See, I’d had a stupid crazy thought that ran across my mind that lasted for about a split second! last night – Wednesday night – my night each week without the children and AP was over here. We’d already had a very ummm let’s call it “fun” afternoon before I picked the children up from school and let’s just say I left his place with a big grin and the promise we were going to pick things up later exactly where we left off!

Ugh this is going to involve some detail but I will keep it as PG rated as I can! AP and I have a terrific sex life – no question about it, but in the back of my mind is always the fact that I could be thinner! Whenever we are naked together I am very conscious of my body and especially my stomach and ass. Two areas that I know a lot of women have issues with as well, but what I was doing was assuming that every time AP looks at me naked he’s thinking “look at that jelly belly” … and he’s not!

So anyway, I had this crazy thought about my jelly belly – my legs were errr (ok no polite way to say this!) held behind my head at the time and my boyfriend’s face was firmly buried! He was alternating between closing his eyes with this incredible “oh yum” expression and looking at me with an “I am going to eat you alive” look! I look down and just see the wobble of my stomach and my stretch marks!!

It was just a little later (we’d stopped for a break *grin*) on as he was topping up my wine glass that I thought back to the stupid thought and actually remembered myself visualising taking out a baseball bat and whacking that crazy thought right out of the ball park! I grinned to myself and must have laughed out loud because AP actually asked what I was smiling about! I didn’t want to tell him … not because I didn’t want to tell him – but because I KNEW what his answer would be! Even though you should never ever assume anything, I knew damned well if I said to AP “do you genuinely and honestly fancy me even with my jelly belly?” that his answer would be along the lines of “you are a crazy woman! I can’t keep my hands off you!”

I wasn’t going to get away with it! I had to tell him – there’s no way you can NOT say after that and his answer was almost word for word what I put at the top and I couldn’t have written it better than he’d said it – or even write it in a way that it would do justice to the way it made me feel.

He loves me for who I am – it’s a bit Bridget Jones I know, but damnit it’s ultimately what we all want isn’t it! Someone who loves you because you ARE who you are, not because you try to be something you are not. AP and I have an emotional / mental connection to each other which is what makes THIS so different from every other relationship I have ever had – and him too. He wants the same honesty I do – the same promise of fidelity and 100% trust in your partner, but at the same time the absolute belief that the idea of the other cheating is just beyond ridiculous! I said to him this morning actually – if every other couple in the world had a sex life and the emotional closeness that we do, then cheating just wouldn’t happen! I am so mentally & emotionally happy in our relationship and love that we have the intellectual compatibility as well as the sexual one! It’s just so well balanced!!

I said to AP last night that I knew I had been holding onto a lot of bitterness, anger and resentment from my past and that I had been working hard on letting it go. He said he knew – he’d noticed and also noticed that I was a MUCH happier person because of it! He was right – I have been happier! It’s what prompted that stupid thought and the baseball bat visualisation because it’s one of my leftover demons. Did my ex-husband use porn and ignore me sexually because I wasn’t thin enough? Did my ex before that cheat on me because I was fat or not pretty/sexy enough?

NO! I know now that they were just the frogs I had to kiss along the way before I found my handsome prince! AP asked me to thank my ex actually – to say thank you to him for not loving me enough so that he could

AP and I know all of each other’s faults and love each other anyway! I love that we have the ability to be up front with each other and say what is on your mind if something is bugging you without the fear of retribution. It hasn’t always been the case admittedly … AP has said to me a few times that if he’d mentioned xy or z in the past I would have blown up at him … and he’s possibly  probably  most likely almost certainly right. I can take negative comments now without taking it to heart and I’ve so very nearly almost stopped beating myself up over shit that happened in the past that I can’t change!

It’s been a positive and very powerful change in my attitude.

I’ve always been a BIG fan of “what you give out comes back  threefold” and I wrote about how crappy I’d felt when AP mentioned a few negative things to me that admittedly I took to heart at first … but once I’d realised that what he was doing was making the effort to talk about our relationship and not have a go at me … I realised he was right about a few things and started making an attempt to change my behaviour / thinking / attitude towards certain things. What I noticed and learned big time was that as *I* made an effort, AP responded and made an effort too … which made me want to make more of an effort – because I got such a terrific response from him! It then became natural instead of a physical thought to say something nice – or squeeze his hand for no reason – kiss him mid conversation and grin or any one of eleventy hundred silly little romantic gestures. It all came back much more than threefold!

I’m also trying VERY hard not to reply with “nothing” when AP asks me what’s wrong. Last count he only had to ask me twice and we even laughed about how well I was doing there! LOL I’m laughing about it now, but I know it’s something that really REALLY bugs him! In his mind he’s thinking “Well okay I know that she’s giving me bullshit there, I know her well enough to know damned well that there is something on her mind. I’ve obviously pissed her off somehow and it’s just a matter of time now....” SO instead of saying “nothing is wrong” … I’m trying to say things like “I know I’m probably way off base here, but ….” or “I was thinking about X and it was playing on my mind because ….”  and most of the time I am way off base anyway as with the whole jelly belly thing! For the record, I don’t think I have a jelly belly either! It was an unfortunate choice of words at the time!

AP has made an effort as well – it’s not at all one sided there! It is amazing how what started off as a small thing has influenced so many big changes in the both of us and ended up as the best relationship either of us have ever had, and the only one either of us ever want to have fullstop! As far as cheating goes – LMAO I’ve never ever worried about AP cheating on me – there’s more chance of hell freezing over than him putting it somewhere that he shouldn’t … and for me? Other men are non-sexual beings that are a bit like Action Men dolls with no sexual organs at all! If I need to feel loved and wanted, I’ll go see my boyfriend thanks very much!! I’m absolutely convinced it’s the same for AP! Besides, we have such a good sex life that I wouldn’t want to waste time with anyone else when I could be having sex with AP!! We’ve been so sexually open with each other and our fantasies / fetishes and have explored so many different parts of our sexual psyches together that from a purely clinical point of view … the prospect of finding another sexual match let alone a sexual AND emotional match (not to mention a genetic one – we’d make cute babies!) is beyond ridiculous! WHY would either of us waste our time?

He loves me first thing in the morning when my hair looks like a sea monster. He’s seen me with big red puffy eyes after a night crying and no sleep from arguing and still loved me anyway. He loved me when I was heavier and he loved me when I was smaller. He loves me no matter what because he loves ME … just the way I am.

I’m truly, madly and deeply in love with him too.

It always comes back threefold

I thanked AP last night about the “list of official complaints” that he made the other day and told him he was right!! We hadn’t been kissing enough recently and the “I love you’s” had become a little left to only when we said goodbye or hung up on the phone and neither of us ever want to be complacent about our relationship! Both been there, done that and own the damned t-shirt company!! I also noticed that where I had made more of an effort over the last couple of days, it had made HIM feel good and want to say nice things to me, kiss me more and generally be much more responsive in return! He gave me some great compliments last night. He told me I was gorgeous … and also told me I turn him on like no other! Yep he’d noticed it too

Now fancy that - who woulda thunk it!

The law of threefold return states that what you give out will come back to  you threefold and even if every person in the world only ever applied that to the one they love, then we’d all be walking around with grins on our faces more often! We should all give our partner at least one compliment every single day and if you are with the right person, it shouldn’t exactly hard to come up with them! Tell the person you love why you love them and tell them often!

Sometimes you gotta make an effort

I woke up today and decided that it was a brand new day!! Okay, so I know that’s a little bit obvious, but I mean in respect of my last post and my attitude. Okay so my boyfriend had a few things to say that could be construed as a little negative – and it wasn’t nice to hear … but I decided today to make a really big effort to DO the things that he’d mentioned he felt had been lacking. It wasn’t exactly an “effort” to kiss my boyfriend more often and not to just say “I love you” when one of us leaves!

Relationships aren’t meant to be easy or people would never have arguments or disagreements – and two people can never ever have exactly the same thoughts and views on everything! After stepping back from it and looking at it from a different angle – AP mentioned a few things that he felt were an issue for him, and after getting past the “it means I’m a horrible girlfriend” stuff (which of course isn’t true!!) what I actually have here is a MAN WHO TALKED TO ME ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP!!

FFS I should be stringing up balloons and throwing a celebratory party! I should be breaking out the champagne and calling up everybody I know because there was my man saying to me “Ness, there are a few things that are bothering me and would you mind if we talked about it?” Of course he didn’t put it quite as eloquently as that … but thinking about it and looking back, there was nervousness in his voice as he said it, so it probably did make him feel uncomfortable to bring it up. Of course it also does NOT mean that I’m not making him happy! It was a silly thing for me to have written at the end of my last post, but I try so very hard not to go back and edit things after I’ve hit publish! Those thoughts – no matter how gibberish or nonsensical were my thoughts at the time.

AP was right about the saying “I love you” as a goodbye. He’s said it before about how he never wants “I love you” to become a habit as in something you just say because “I love you, bye” kind of thing as you wave when one of you leaves and it’s spot on. They are important words that should be said when they are felt and meant and damnit I am LUCKY that I have a man who doesn’t just use a disposable “I love you!” AP made me laugh earlier and I made a point of mid-way through my hysterics I told him I loved him, leaned over and gave him a big smacker on the lips. The grin on his face said it all.

This evening he came over for a couple of hours after the kids had gone to bed and I purposely had music playing instead of switching the TV on because it makes a much nicer atmosphere and it’s easier to talk if conversation was on the cards. I hadn’t planned on launching into any big chats or anything, but after the things he’d mentioned yesterday I wanted to make sure there was a good atmosphere .. and it was! We had such a nice evening sat on my sofa reminiscing about music from the past, and although we didn’t “talk” … I didn’t feel we had to. Things were just relaxed, chilled and natural – and there was definitely lots of kissing! Things have been distant between us for the last week or so and from what he said yesterday I think he’s definitely noticed too, but tonight seems to have put everything back to where it was. I told him “I love you” twice this evening just for no other reason than he made me smile and because we were cuddled up and I had a grin on my face!

I’m GLAD he mentioned those things to me, and now I’ve had a chance to sleep on it, I’m doubly sure that it was probably just as hard for him to say as it was for me to hear! Would I rather have another man like my ex-husband who never talked to me about anything to do with our relationship/marriage and who buried his head and ignored me completely? HELL NO!! It’s why our marriage ended because that type of person drives me bonkers and not in a good way! Damnit, I want a man just like AP who actually talks to me – even when he has things to say to me that aren’t easy to hear. I’d much rather he come out and tell me these things than bottle it up and say nothing!!

I do love him for it… even if I was a bit narky and pissy about it last night! 

I also need to remember that even when I’m told things that aren’t so nice to hear that I shouldn’t always take it as a personal dig!! The thing is – just by making a little extra effort in my relationship today and listening to / doing something about the things AP said to me that he needed from our relationship… I’ve managed to put a smile back on my face and on my boyfriend’s face.

Self Therapy (sparkly style!)

Ya know what? I’m doing pretty well and in fact, I’d possibly even go as far as to say things are looking a lil bit sparkly around here right now!! I know – I bet you thought you’d never see the day but it’s true … I am trailing glitter behind me all over the place!!

I made a very conscious decision recently to try let go of all of my built up anger and resentment over things in the past (especially related to my ex) and to accept that sometimes (only sometimes mind you!) I have no control over the outcome of a situation and that sometimes I am not responsible for other people’s reactions. It sounds very obvious, but when you’ve been as low as I have, been through so much pain, rejection and self analysis over and over again – you sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees. It takes a lot to admit things to other people, but it is even harder to admit things to yourself.

I had a potential “situation” this morning that I handled without even really trying – and I surprised myself! AP stayed over last night and the children were with their dad from last night up until this evening, so when I got a call from my son’s school this morning informing me he’d shit himself (he has ADHD & Aspergers) I called my ex as the kids were in his care and asked him to go up to the school to clean our son up and get him changed. In the past I would have almost used this as an excuse to blow up at my ex – to blame him for not making sure our son went to the toilet before school, blamed him for feeding our son crap food that has gone straight through him like that, for being a crap father in general and pretty much looked at it as a way of having a bit of a raaaaaaa (said in a growly type voice!) Instead, the call went something like this …

ME – Hi it’s Nessa, I’ve just had a call from Son’s school and he’s shit himself.
EX – Ohh crap, sorry, excuse the pun.
ME – Do you have any spare underwear at your place for him?
EX – Errr, yes I think so, hang on let me go and check
[PAUSE]
EX – Yes, I’ve got clean underwear and a school shirt.
ME – I can go up and change him, but as you are closer, if you aren’t busy….
EX – No problem, I’m on my way right now.

It was that easy. After I’d got off the phone to the school, I’ll admit that I burst into tears. It was like everything just suddenly got on top of me and I needed to cry to let it all out. There was more to it than just the call from my son’s school but no one thing I could put my finger on. I was so glad that AP was here as he just held me tight as if he wasn’t ever going to let me go! It was exactly what I needed. HE is exactly what I’d needed.

I’ve been emotionally so much better off since I made the decision to just remember that the past is the past. I can’t change what has already happened, but I can change my future.

AP and I had a good chat today … we both felt that the other hadn’t been very responsive  sexually over the past week, and although we’d both been making little gestures to let the other know you were horny, neither of us had been picking up on the signals. I knew AP had work stuff on his mind, and he knew I’d been getting frustrated with my son and his behaviour (even before the toileting issue!)  … we were both also just as happy spending time just curled up on the sofa together watching TV as time together is so precious no matter how we spend it!! We’d both somehow missed each other’s signals and just half assumed that the other wasn’t in the mood! We were both guilty of that one.

It was AP that brough the conversation up by the way he constantly asks me if I am ok … a lot! It’s almost as if every time I’m not happy & bouncy he will assume that there is something on my mind. Okay 99.9% of the time he’s right, but 98.9% of the time it’s as innocent as planning my Sainsburys shopping list in my head, or spotting a cobweb on the ceiling, or wondering what the kids are up to, or just drifting off into dream world and picturing myself on a beach in the caribbean!

Sooo we had a good chat and cleared that up … and then had some very unexpected afternoon sofa antics!!

There were a couple of “potential” issue situations later on in the day – one where he mentioned an ex girlfriend of his purely in the context of conversation (and actually related to her parents!), and I did my “count to 1-2-3 and remember exes are exes and he’s told you he loves you more than he has ever loved anybody” lectures in my head and all was sparkly in the world again!

I have a wonderful and amazing boyfriend who thinks the world of me and loves me up to the moon and back. It’s all good here in Ness-Ville!!

Aching like a b*tch!

It was actually weirdly nice this morning to wake up and cry out “ouch” as I sat up and my stomach remembered it had muscles under there! Every time I moved, I found another muscle that was slightly aching and it gave me a smug self satisfied grin because I had a really good workout yesterday! I have the same instructor that I had when I was a member at the gym before and he recognised me as soon as I walked in which was nice! I have a totally new workout prog set up to target my wobbly bits and I came out of there feeling so motivated and refreshed.

My stomach muscles REALLY hurt and it was this machine that killed them! You grab the handles at the head end, and your feet go through the other end. You have to use both your arms and your legs to bring them both up together at the same time and woaaahhh you feel the burn on your abs! IT KILLS and I have to do 45 reps (3×15).

I have a good combination of cardio (aerobic) with the cross trainer, treadmill & stepper for my workout and anaerobic (weights) to burn fat and tone up. I honestly think that if I am eating properly and going to the gym for a workout or a class 3x a week then it should take no more than 6 weeks to really show the effects.

I’ve booked a Salsa Aerobics class for Friday morning as well – I have never done any type of dancing let alone Salsa, can’t dance for shit and am unsure of my fitness level for bouncy around aerobics classes, but I am really looking forward to trying something new!!

It’s a good feeling.

Letting go of the anger

I have been harbouring waaaaay too much resentment towards my ex husband and it is time to let it go. That was brave but there, I said it.

It hasn’t been healthy for me to still feel so bitter, especially as I’ve completely moved on with my life – and so has my ex. Even if I didn’t have AP in my life, I would rather be single than even contemplate ….. eww well the thought of even thinking about getting back together with my ex makes me feel physically sick!

I have been getting myself really wound up about how happy my ex seems to be with his new girlfriend. It has nothing to do with any feelings of jealousy (HELL NO!) it’s more about the way that he treated me while we were married, the way he completely stripped me of all my self confidence and made me feel SO unattractive, unwanted and FAT.

From 1996 when I first met my ex-husband, to 2008 when I finally left him, he consistently and continually used pornography, despite promises and begging me in tears not to leave and that he would stop. His computer cache revealed he used to wait until I’d left the house and within 15 minutes he was logging on to a paid porn site and downloading material. His rejection of me physically led to an emotional distance between us … and ultimately drove me down the road of an eating disorder to try and compete with the stick thin airbrushed porn stars I was “competing with.” It was no life – and certainly no marriage. I lost 50lbs and was within 8lbs and two missed periods of being diagnosed as anorexic.

On our first wedding anniversary our daughter was 4 months old and I told my new husband that I felt the baby weight was getting me down and asked him if it would be okay to spend some of our joint funds on gym membership. His response wasn’t anything like “You look great anyway but if you want to lose weight I will support you” … noooo the words out of his mouth were “Well you are a bit fat aren’t you…” I should have left him that night.

He spent so many years of our marriage living a completely separate life. He had credit cards and finance I knew nothing about that he took out while we were together. I was fooled into remortgaging the house because it would be “better financially” – but what he meant was purely in the short term with no long term thought for the consequences.

I have SO many reasons why he is a lousy father as well. He’s left them unattended in the park (aged 8 & 10 – bearing in mind that my 8 year old son is also autistic!!) while he’s walked his dog, he has caused my daughter to have a burn on her chin that stripped the top layer of skin off from serving her food that was WAY too hot, taken them out in a car with 2 children strapped into one seatbelt … the list is endless and I will just wind myself up if I go into everything. At one point I’d even considered contacting social services because I felt he was actually putting them in danger.

He of course had an explanation for everything. When he left them in the park it was “just for 20 minutes and he could get the dog walk done quicker without them” … yeah I know, I’m not even going to go there on how it would have been a great bonding time to take the dog up onto the hill, collect stones, look for insects, animals, birds, wildlife etc …. don’t even get me started on stranger danger, an autistic little boy and …. ugh … makes me shiver. He has agreed he was in the wrong and agreed never to leave them unattended unless I have approved it beforehand. For example our daughter is now 11 and I know damned well I’ve brought that girl up with a good set of “street smarts” in her. She tests the boundaries constantly and her attitude is … well – that of an 11 year old girl, but essentially she isn’t stupid. She understands a lot more than I sometimes give her credit for with her maturity, so I’m happy to give her a little bit of room to prove she can be responsible and be trusted. She is also starting senior school now, so I have no problem with her walking to and from school by herself. My ex and I both live within walking distance of her school. I’ve also said I have no issue with our daughter being left at home by herself for up to 20 minutes if he needs to pop to the shop provided he takes our son with him.

Thing is … he doesn’t seem to be able to think for himself and it gets me SO wound up because I worry about my kids and their safety, especially my son. I am absolutely 100% convinced he would never intentionally put them in any danger, he just never thinks. Ugh I sound like a broken record because I can even hear myself saying to him “That’s the trouble, you just don’t think” and it’s something I had to say a lot even while we were married.

Our divorce will be final in less than three weeks now. I need to let it go.

I have such a fantastic relationship with AP that I can really see lasting. Even when we fight or have an argument – or spend hours in silence across the room from each other … deep down we both do genuinely love each other too much to let the other walk away. I genuinely do love AP and love that he’s been over the last few evenings just to watch TV and spend the evening after the children have gone to bed. It means a lot that he’s made the effort to drive all the way over here for a couple of hours just to snuggle on the sofa. I miss him – a lot when he isn’t here.

I’m going to make more of an effort to let go of the built up bitterness and resentment that I have been keeping inside. It’s not healthy.

Too busy living life :-)

Oooooooooh well I never thought for a minute it would be THIS long till I posted again! I had every intention of writing about my day to day stuff, but the truth is … I have been way too busy enjoying my life to post about it! A few of my regular readers have contacted me to say they were gagging for an update … so here goes!!

The last couple of weeks in brief full glorious technicolour!!

Love … ohh it’s a wonderful thing isn’t it! My relationship with AP has changed up by so many levels and honestly I’ve never been happier! People say that all the time, but I really mean it! It was almost worth going through the pain and heart ache of splitting up a couple of months ago to be where we are at now because it’s just amazing. AP is not a man who talks bullshit, so when he told me that he loved me more than he had ever loved anybody in the past … I knew he meant it. We have fallen hard for each other.

We’ve discovered so much about each other on a sexual level too – I’m not going to go into detail, but it has been amazing to discover things I never knew about my own body as well as my partner’s! I find it unbelievable that I have got to the age of 34 and not known some of this stuff! AP and I are both fairly sexually experienced from our pasts, but we both love that a lot of the things we’ve been doing sexually have been firsts for us both … and this in itself has been an incredible turn on to discover this and find this all out together.

AP is self employed and really snowed under with work at the moment, but he totally blew off work last night (Weds) when the kids were with their dad and all day today (Thurs) to spend with me. I usually help him when he gets really busy and I’d anticipated us spending a couple of hours working on his current project but he was adamant that nope, we needed to spend some serious quality time together, and even though it’s meant he’s actually now a week behind because of the prep he missed out on doing too … the time together was incredible and so worth it. Work is always something that would turn AP non-sexual too … if he got too far behind, his sexual button was just switched off while he was in work mode. The simple fact that he gave up on his time to get caught up to be with me and just relax together was a huge enormous signal on his part!!!

My kids are off school for the summer now and my ex and I have finally reached an agreement on the arrangements during the six weeks. He has them every Weds night and every other weekend which is four out of fourteen nights every fortnight … or less than 100 hours per month. During the school holidays it is very difficult for me to work on MY business. I’m self employed too and my business is currently worth shit – in fact it’s in debt so actually worth less than shit! I can bring it out of that but all the while I am with the children during the working day … it makes it very difficult. I am entitled to childcare vouchers, but with my son’s ADHD & Autism, he needs to be in the care of people who understand his disabilities and his limitations without labelling him as a troublemaker. He’s not an easy child to take care of if you don’t know how his mind works, so it’s not that simple.

I have managed to get my ex to agree to take his children for two weeks during the school holidays so that I can get a break and even this took a lot of aggro from him before he would agree to it. He just kept ignoring the fact that I need to work too. AP and I will probably end up going away somewhere for a couple of nights (he’s hinted at this!!), but other than that I need to put maximum effort into my business during that time.

Me without what I do is like asking a duck to live without water. It can do it but it won’t truly be happy.  AP has been a huge part of motivating me with this. He’s had some genuinely terrific ideas that could really help to push my business forward… all it takes is for me to grab the bull by the horns, get my backside in gear and really go for it. Thanks to AP’s ass kicking I’m raring to go!

Again I find myself going back to just talking about AP and how much in love I am!

The last six weeks with AP have been amazing. We’ve talked – and talked – and talked… and as a result we’ve both fallen deeper and deeper in love with each other. He says it … but he actually doesn’t need to because I really FEEL it from him. The way he looks at me … the way he totally fills me with confidence about my body as well as my mind is totally mindblowing to me. I have a man who not only finds me attractive, but who really really actually loves me too. We both say “I love you” all the time now … it’s not a habit thing or over-said to make a point … it’s naturally said by either or both of us when the time is right … which to be honest is most of the time right now!!

The only thing worrying me even a little bit is that he still has a concern that I might even possibly cheat on him. I don’t blame him because I still have some of the same insecurities. I don’t necessarily think he’ll cheat on me – that thought doesn’t actually even occur to me… but I’ve been guilty of worrying about other attractive women and that I’m not good enough. It’s ridiculous I know. The thing that makes the whole idea of either of us cheating is that to be this much in love with somebody and for them to feel the same way about you … to be so insanely physically attracted to each other with such an amazing sex life (and I mean amazing!) and to still have the friendship connection, the ability to really talk and be honest, the connection and the everything else …

What AP and I have isn’t something you just throw away on a whim because someone else caught your eye because it just isn’t going to happen! I have no eye for starters! I look at men that are supposed to be “good looking”  and feel totally a-sexual because I am so crazy about AP that it doesn’t register that there are attractive men out there. AP is the only man I ever want to be with for the rest of my life. He is gorgeous and he’s sexy and all mine … I don’t ever want anything or anyone else! If I had to live my life without AP then I’d stay single – pure and simple because after finding something this good … how can there be anything else??

It’s our own past baggage that has held us back from this point so far … but the more I understand the way AP looks at me … I realise that he loves ME for who I am, that he is turned on by me … that he fancied me when I was bigger and fancied me when I was smaller! Just because I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost and I’m not 100% happy with my body doesn’t make me unattractive in the eyes of my boyfriend! Equally AP needs to learn that just because we have a big blow up that our relationship isn’t necessarily over, and that if we have a row the day before we are due to see each other… that I’m not picking an argument to avoid seeing him the next day. Both things that have come up recently and been talked about.

We’re both getting there too … day by day the insecurities are melting away. Maybe we were possibly both unconsciously looking for reasons not to trust each other because when it’s this good – surely it’s too good to be true? … but it isn’t. This is very real and it actually really can be this good when you meet the right person.

My kids both deserve a mention in my update! Before school finished for the year I had a call from one of my son’s teachers  to tell me that he had won one of the school’s annual awards that would be presented in assembly, and this knocked me for six! This is the boy who this time last year would be spinning around in circles during assembly or trying to hide in the curtains or generally being disruptive… and he won a “Bookworm” trophy! He was given the award because he loves facts and information and always has his head in a book! When the head gave out the award, he commented on what a source of valuable information my son is because he reads so much. I had tears in my eyes … I was so proud!

Since I left their dad I’ve been to hell and back almost literally with his behaviour but it has paid off. I started a chore chart and implemented new punishments and new rewards, totally restricted the time they could both spend on the computer and watching television … and the result has been much better behaved children!

Even my daughter who has just turned 11 seems to have dropped a lot of her attitude and she’s working hard, looking forward to her new school and again – always has her nose in a book! She is still cheeky, but with a dose of respect on the side and always apologises if she pushes me too far! I’m raising these kids good!

My son still has the very occasional bed wetting incident and very very occasional #2 accident but on the whole he has done brilliantly. I like to think that it’s down to me too! I don’t allow the children to spend hours on the computer or hours watching TV at a time … so he’s never too engrossed in something that he can’t think about going to the toilet instead of having an accident! The bed-wetting I can deal with. It isn’t every night and if I wake him before I go to bed at night then it isn’t a problem anyway!!

So yeah … life is good … life is great … I’m just mega busy living it instead of blogging constantly about how crap everything is!! I have the kids most of the time during the week while they are on school holidays, then pretty much all my “spare” time is spent with AP!

I will TRY to update more often but those who know where to find me on facebook know what’s going on day to day meanwhile! LOL

Love Nessa xx

Where did the blog go?

Anyone who has followed my writing since the start of 2006 (egads 3.5 years now!) when I first started blogging will know I’ve had several different blog URLs in that time and every now and again I’ve deleted/moved my blog, or changed my ID or something to reflect the changes in my life. I do have a hand written journal where absolutely everything is written down so I have my own personal copy of things … but sometimes I reach a point where I know I’m at a fresh point in my life and I need my blog to do the same.

Life laundry if you like … take what is old and dirty, and either fix it up or throw it out and replace it! I’ve done this a LOT on my real life recently … and online I need to do the same thing too. I have deleted everything from “itspink” dating back to when I officially walked out on my marriage, left my husband of 12 years and moved into this house! I deleted 9 months of my life “poooooof” in the click of a button and I couldn’t feel better about it!

I’ve been doing a lot of life laundry lately … it genuinely feels like I’ve been given another chance at my life again and I want to grab it with everything I have! The new start and deleting my old posts reflects a lot of things about me …

• My relationship with AP - or as I should say “our” relationship” as there is no “i” in we! Everything about AP screams loudly “us” and “we” and all of those wonderful words that you want to think of when you are in a relationship with someone. We are so very much in love and our relationship is just … well, to finally be in a secure and happy stable relationship where we each know just how much we’re loved by the other … it’s a new beginning for the both of us in more ways than one. We both still have baggage but we’re working on it together.
• The true end of my marriage – Any day now I am expecting to hear from my divorce team to give me a date for decree nici which is the date where the official six weeks and one day starts until the legal end of my marriage. I can’t wait. My ex and I still have big arguments over the children and things that we consider acceptable or appropriate with regards to parenting – but that’s no different than it was when we were “happily married” so no change there really! My ex-husband has a girlfriend … I have a boyfriend and life has moved on!
• My weight - My regular readers will know what I’m talking about!! I feel so recovered in so many different ways and a lot of it it it is all down to AP and the confidence he’s given me. I’ve been through drastic weight loss in a very short space of time due to simply not eating. I was given a diagnosis of “EDNOS” (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I didn’t quite fit the criteria for anorexia as I was still having periods – mad huh! I’ve gained weight back since then – probably a little too much, but also gained a healthy appreciation of FOOD and I know that my boyfriend finds me incredibly attractive. The way he looks at me and the things he says to me scream loudly that I am attractive AND loved. I finally have both in a relationship – something has always been missing before in past relationships and finally I have it all. My self esteem is through the roof!
• Happy Pills – I’ve been taking anti-depressants (citalopram) for anxiety and panic attacks since 2006 when my marriage truly broke down (and I first started blogging) … I was started off on 20mg which was increased to 30mg and then up to 40mg which is apparently quite a high dose. A locum doctor told me to quit cold turkey when I said I was feeling much better … which led to another complete break-down and a visit to my regular GP … aaaaaaaaanyway I was promptly put back on 30mg straight away and then back down to 20mg … and 10mg, but over the course of time have ended up on 40mg again. The next time I visit my GP I am going to ask to start being weaned off of it properly this time.
• My stress/anxiety score – this follows on from the last point, but when I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago she gave me a new questionnaire to fill in. It’s the same one I’ve done before several  times but the difference is last time my score was 17 … this time it was 8!! It means I am actually within the normal lines now for stress and anxiety for the first time in three years!!
• My Children - BOTH of my kids are doing so well since we left their dad and I know that it’s down to me (with help from Supernanny) and the new parenting techniques I’ve been using as a single mum! My daughter has blossomed into a hard-working and conscienscious 11 year old (it’s her 11th birthday next week so she is as good as 11 already LOL) and aside from the usual odd pre-teen-hormones she makes me incredibly proud! My son has improved in leaps & bounds and is getting an award from school next week to reflect his effort and achievement!
• My self reflection – This is probably the biggest change in me and something that blogging has allowed me to do. In writing things down and being questioned/commented on by complete random strangers who don’t know me from adam … well it forces you to really REALLY ask yourself just who you are compared to who you want to be. My personal journey of self discovery has as a matter of course led AP and I to a far better relationship than we ever thought was possible. I am also somewhere that I never ever thought I would be … i.e. happy with myself (yes, with my body too!!) AND happy in a relationship knowing my partner loves me and isn’t about to fuck with me!!

Damnit I do love my bullet points eh! Well … this is it … out with the old and in with the new (taking certain things with me for the ride LOL!)

It’s all up from here!!