Say I love you with breakfast!

I knew AP hadn’t been feeling well, and after such a wonderful weekend I wanted to do something nice for him. We both had a LOT of work to catch up on today and I thought that a nice big breakfast would set our tummies up nicely for the day ahead, so after dropping the kids off at school, I stopped into McDonalds and bought a ton of breakfast stuff! I called him to say I was on my way over and I hoped he was hungry as breakfast was on the way too … and he was SO touched! His face when I got there said it all! He’d not long woken up when I called him and the first thing he heard was that his girlfriend was on her way over with a cooked breakfast from McDonalds! Once we’d eaten we couldn’t keep our hands off each other … I had to put my coat on, button it up and stand on the opposite side of the room or we would never have got to work!

The way to say I love you is definitely with a good breakfast!

I’ve really been trying to make a big effort to do little things that show AP beyond any doubt how much I am in love with him. I remember reading once that the best way to tell someone you love them is to show them as well, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll always offer to grab anything he needs from town if I’m headed that way … I picked up his prescription for his asthma inhaler the other day when I was in town stocking up on groceries, and I bought him a new throat spray at the same time as I knew his was running out and grabbed some throat sweets too. It was just something I did without really thinking because I knew it would make him feel better! Today I took him breakfast and I swear that although it is absolutely NO EFFORT at all to do these little things for someone … it comes back threefold, it really does.

Make the effort – do some little things for your partner. They feel so very special because someone else is offering to do things for them and to them it feels like you are making a huge effort. It’s easy to get complacent in long term relationships and I’m taking the time to do and say the little things because I want to never ever become complacent again. I love him too much and he loves me. Neither of us want to be without the other and we just have to quit the stupid rows for no reason!

We had a successful argument on the phone this evening! We hadn’t talked since I’d left work earlier to pick the kids up (other than a few texts) and in just 6 hours of being apart we managed to get wound up and frustrated! He thought I’d sounded like something was stressing me out, but it wasn’t, but he kept asking and I was fine but he insisted it sounded like something was wrong and blah blah … stupid argument, we both overreacted and got hot-headed but it blew over very quickly and we both apologised. THAT is the way it should be! We talked for a while on the phone then voice chatted on MSN over the headset. He said it had been such a great weekend and we had a really good day today that he just didn’t want to let anything spoil it. It wasn’t worth arguing over… so we didn’t!

This being apart stuff is driving me crazy. I hate it. I just want to be with him!!

Oh WOW and DOUBLE WOW!!

It’s been an amazing weekend of the wow, double wow and even triple wow kind. Both of us completely blew off work for the entire weekend to just be alone and spend some quality time together. It’s really been needed with everything we’ve been through recently and it was amazing to have that time just for us. We both agreed we had spent way too long arguing over the last few months and needed to ignore our friends & families, stay away from email and facebook and pretty much switch off from the world.

SOOOOOO that’s exactly what we did! As we’re both self employed it just means we have one hell of a busy Monday and possibly some pissed off customers, but we’ll fix those because damn it was worth it! 

We finally got exactly what we have been needing for so long now – some time to be alone together just the two of us – and the conversations that just absolutely astounded me. We both know we have a future together, but it was very very nice to have your other half actually tell you the reasons just why they love you, tell you that you are beautiful, sexy and their dream woman simply because of the silly(and some not so silly) quirky things you do! Our relationship – when we aren’t arguing LOL – is unlike anything I’ve ever had before. AP is my boyfriend and my kinky lover, my best friend, my partner and my other half – all rolled into one, and damn I fancy the shit out of him too! I look at him and GRRRRR I want him!!

AP told me straight out that he wants to have babies with me and that he’s talking about the not too distant future. He even came out and admitted that he’d had the odd thought pop into his head to say “tell her to just stop taking the pill and we’ll see what happens…”  I told him I’d had the odd thought about maybe missing the odd pill here or there and just seeing what happens. Obviously he didn’t and I didn’t but mad we’d both been thinking along the same lines there! It was a really good conversation because we both know we are on each other’s wavelength there as well – that it is something that we both very much want, but that we also want to plan and decide together rather than be a happy accident.

We talked about how bits of my rented house are falling off (lights broken, toilet seat fixings are broken, kitchen needs replacing) and how his 2 bed place suffers from nasty mould during the wet weather and how small it is. His answer. WE need a new house. That wasn’t we need new houses in the plural, that was WE need “A” new house singular … and my assumption could only be that he meant we would all share said new house!

The downside is that I lose out on certain benefits and would take a hit in my tax credits, but we’d save a fortune on cheese. This is a true fact and we discovered this when we went shopping at Sainsburys over the weekend. Long story and you had to be there really LOL but it involves lots of different types of cheese EACH because after we’d worked our way through tasting all of the different red leicesters and a new wensleydale … we were hungry and had to buy some of every one we’d liked EACH!!

I think basically very slowly – we are going to start just looking in the paper for 4 bed houses to rent – just to see what is about, how much etc, and maybe some time after Christmas sit down, put our pennies (and piles of cheese) together and see what we can come up with!

We certainly reached a new depth of closeness this weekend which makes the arguments seem even more stupid, ridiculous and insignificant now. We wasted so much valuable time that we could have been snuggling up and we don’t get enough time together! We aren’t going to waste any more by arguing or being silly. We’ve learned a lot from it all and damnit, he is my ideal guy for so many reasons!

I’m not going to go into detail but as far as our sex life goes, let’s just say neither of us have ANY complaints and in fact it’s almost too much of the opposite! We have far too many ideas and not enough time to explore them all! He suggested something as almost a joke-but-do-you-fancy-trying-it kind of way … I sat up, spent a few seconds working out logistics in my head and said “Why the fuck not?!” Within about three minutes we had googled a search term, come up with a website where a few things found their way into a shopping cart and AP was handing me cash for half of the order!

Anyway, I’ve had a couple of very late nights and after the weekend antics I need some rest! LOL It’s going to be a busy Monday!!!

Pleasantly surprised!

AP isn’t well – he showed signs of not being well at all yesterday while we were talking and we’d both put it down to stress from the argument as I’d been feeling lousy too, but he’s got hot and cold shivers, a dry cough, sore throat, over-tiredness (not sleeping at night – tossing & turning) and absolutely no appetite whatsoever. His mum is a nurse in a place where half the staff are off with swine flue, so it’s entirely possible that she’s built up a resistance to the bug (the woman is as strong as an ox for her tiny frame!) but passed it onto him. He has a pretty good immune system himself, but he’s definitely not very well.

I hadn’t expected him to come down to work, but he did… I really thought he would ask me to take a look at his stuff and just check all his orders were okay while I was trying to crack on with my own stuff, but he was there and we both stuck out a full day until I had to pick the kids up from school. Other than him not being well and me still being tired (I must get to bed earlier!!) it was such an obscurely NORMAL day – almost as if the argument hadn’t happened – which is a good thing. We got on with what we had to do at work, then had half an hour left till I had to leave for the school run where we just sat and had a cigarette, a chat and a hug.

We’d arranged for him to come over about 9pm and he fell asleep on his sofa early this evening … he’d assumed my phone call when the kids had gone to bed would wake him up, but his phone ran out of battery! Oooops! It was 10.15pm by the time he called me, hugely apologetic for having fallen asleep and not been here. He had every reason in the world NOT to go jump in his car and come all the way over here, but he did anyway! Aside from the fact he isn’t well, he had to drive out of his way to get fuel as it was past 10pm and the usual garage was shut!

I was very surprised and very happy that he’d said he still wanted to come over for a bit. He has a doctor appt early tomorrow, so he needs to get an early night and a good night’s sleep – the other reason not to have come all the way over here just for an hour or so … but he did.

It feels like so much longer ago since we had that last mega row. We both are feeling a little fragile still and know that it will take a while for our relationship to get back onto that same even keel it was on before, but we both want it

Going to bed before 1am for once – maybe I’ll finally get shot of the Tesco carrier bags under my eyes!

A wall of tired!

One good thing about the kids being off school for half term is that I don’t have to get up at 6.30am, but at the same time I don’t like to sleep in too long either or it ends up completely wasting the entire day.

It’s VERY difficult juggling the housework, shopping, laundry, bills, errands and children and work and my relationship with AP when they are off school as they need entertaining! I’m self employed, so I am the boss which makes it a lot easier than some other single parents, but I have to take them down to my premises with me and they get soooo bored… which means I end up not getting as much done as I should … which means orders are delayed. The post office is also having major strikes at the moment and there is now a strike on for the next three days and things are then delayed even MORE before they get to the customers.

UGH it is so frustrating. I wish there were more hours in the day and more days in the week to get everything done because it always gets to late at night and I find I have run out of time to get everything done. Once the time has gone there is no way to get it back again and I find that I kick myself so much for wasting time. For example when I’ve spent an hour just sat on facebook doing pointless quizzes or playing Solitaire in the middle of the day … I could have been sorting out paperwork, tackling a chunk of the ironing, working on the website, cleaning the bathroom or even taking a short nap let alone one of eleventy hundred other things on my “to do” list … *sigh* I need to make better use of my time.

I fell asleep on AP last night – ooopsie! The kids were at their dad’s, AP and I had shared a bottle of wine, just started on the second, were in a half state of nakedness and … the alcohol just hit and I had to lay down and go to sleep!! I entirely blame the fact that I had been so flippin’ knackered earlier in the day and hadn’t managed to get everything done – or find time for an hour’s nap – or eat anything and the alcohol just went straight to my head!!

I’m just soooooo tired …………

Just another manic Monday!

I finally faced one of the dreaded tasks I’d been putting off for a while today, and it turned out not to be quite as scary as I’d expected… I phoned the bank! My business bank account is in a hell of a state and I’ve been avoiding looking at it for way too long. The result is that although it is still scary, it is actually significantly less scary than I had anticipated! That was a weight off my shoulders!

Tonight AP came over and helped me to design new labels for my products as well. We spent a good couple of hours huddled in front of the computer working on the layout and graphics for it, and it has to be said – the new labels look terrific! I have to order in the new sized shiny label paper but hopefully that won’t take too long to get here. AP and I do work really well as a team too … just as he was about to say “move it across to the left a bit” … my hand was hovering over the mouse to move it over to the left a bit! We were just really on the same wavelength.

I love that he believes in what I do and my products … he must do or he wouldn’t have already forked over £1500 to help me get out of my last sticky situation! I knew it before that anyway, but if there was ever a quiver of doubt then it was that!

Okay I’m knackered – it’s too late and I’ll catch up with my head another time as my pillow is calling …….

An argument, a bailiff and wow

If I’d had a chance to write everything out properly on Monday night I would have been up until stupid o’clock … and probably waffled on unnecessarily about all of the gory details. Thankfully I found my friend LC online on facebook and after crying my eyes out in an online chat to her and getting it all out, I managed to calm down.

AP and I had a stupid argument that wasn’t even an argument until we started arguing about the lead up to the argument!! It sounds just as crazy as it actually was … and that was the whole point – it was SO stupid. Basically AP thought I was annoyed and pissed off … even though i wasn’t and he kept asking me what was wrong … but nothing was wrong! I did have a few niggly bits on my mind, but nothing to do with “us” … just the aggro I’m getting from my son and his behaviour at the moment, my money worries … nothing major, nothing new and all it was …. was trying to crack on with work and get stuff done as quickly as possible. I wanted to work with no interruptions – or as few as possible so that I could get everything done and have time left for us to spend together.

What I learned from it is that no matter how niggly or minor – and even if it is nothing to do with “us” … I should tell him what was on my mind even if it is something ridiculous and tiny like what to cook for dinner or that I’ve realised I’ve run out of  fabric softener. He – and men in general love to fix things. I’m not generalising about the male species here – it’s TRUE. Men have an inbuilt need to make things right and it drives them insane – especially when they think there is something that needs fixing and they can’t fix it. It is a similar thing with a woman’s insistence on saying “I’m fine” when we clearly aren’t.

I’m not going to go over the ins and outs of the argument … we tried to resolve it over the phone yesterday after I’d picked the kids up so that he could come over here last night … and although we tried, we both still had niggles that needed to be talked about and we have BOTH agreed that this talking lark is actually a very good thing. It can piss the other person off at the time, but saying what is on your mind is MUCH better than letting things bug you! It’s a new thing for both of us and it is taking some getting used to, but we’re trying.

AP ended up storming out of here at 11.30pm last night. I was so utterly dumfounded and I’d really expected him to come back a few minutes later but he didn’t and I was a wreck. If my friend LC hadn’t been online then I would probably have been through all the wine in the fridge, drunk myself into a stupor and been awake all night. AP started calling about 15 minutes later – when he would have got home … and he didn’t stop calling.

I answered about the 4th call just to ask him to stop calling. He’d walked out and I was not in any frame of mind to talk over the phone… but the arguing just started again. I was still chatting online to LC and she was pretty much insisting I switched off the phone … so I did.

Life has a funny way of throwing you your good friends just when you need them the most, and all three of my bestest (real life) friends in the whole wide world have totally been there for me ! LC caught me online last night when I was at a real low and we’ve chatted via online message today, then TW was there this evening and called me for a proper talk after a brief online chat, and EJ sent me an online message saying “update meeeeeee!!!!” that came through while I was in the middle of a 45 minute call to TW!! My online friends too … those of you that post on my facebook status or PM me asking me about the glitter trail when I have posted a status update that implies something bad but not updated my blog … thank you to you guys too … and BC – although we only tend to talk via my blog at the moment, your thoughts and input are so important to me. You’ve become a real friend over the last couple of years. Whenever I post about an argument with AP I just know you’ll be sat there with guns blazing ready to fire off when needed! You have my back and I love you for it.

This morning I knew he’d call so I just switched my phone off as soon as I’d got the kids to school. I needed to wait in for a delivery for work, so it was convenient to grab my duvet and just bury myself on the sofa until the delivery man rang the doorbell … or till AP rang the doorbell!!

Okay so yes, he was persistent, but if it were the other way around I would be even more pissed off!! If he just walked away and never called me … or never came over and made an attempt to resolve things, then … well that would be even worse. I AM GLAD he came over.

We sat there in silence for a little bit, then hugged and talked. The “stop and hug” rule is such a good one We both knew we had been ridiculous and that it was such a stupid thing to get wound up with each other about! We argue over such flippin’ stupid stuff too! We seem to have had quite a few arguments recently, but they aren’t exactly about major issues or about things that really make a difference to our lives! It usually starts off as a misunderstanding or something mis-heard which creates a weird atmosphere that we both allow to build up. We don’t ever have any arguments about issues, or big massive problems in our relationship – it’s only ever over such stupid stuff (read not stupid at the time LOL) if we had huge problems that couldn’t be overcome then I would be worried!

ANYWAY ……. the other major part of today … I had a bailiff on my door again and this time he had a warrant to come in and take my stuff. It’s a long story but it’s to do with the business rates on my work premises. What I thought I was already paying off is apparently only one of two outstanding bills for business rates for the last two years that together amount to around £4k including costs. I managed to buy myself a few hours grace to get him to go away and come back a couple of hours later because I genuinely and honestly was so utterly confused by the whole thing and needed to speak to his office. I even showed him my receipt for payment when the last bailiff turned up on my door and that it had been agreed that by pretty much emptying my bank account at the time, it would be acceptable to pay by installments and the same guy even dropped in the payment slips for me so I could pay it over the counter directly at the bank. I couldn’t understand how it had ended up at that point …

THANK FUCK that AP was here. If he hadn’t been here then I dread to think what sort of state I would have got myself into. AP was asking me all kinds of questions about it that I just didn’t have answers for, so he got me to phone the bailiff. AP had such a helpless look on his face while I was on the phone because he could tell it was a mean and nasty CUNT that I was talking to. Believe me I hate that word and use it very sparingly. AP literally took the phone out of my hand and took over the conversation with the awful man. It was exactly what I needed as I was getting myself wound up and flustered. Somehow AP managed to ask the questions and get the answers.

Bailiffs do *not* actually have the power to badger you and ultimately they are bound if you make a payment offer even at a late date to get them to GO AWAY. The bailiff told him that he needed a minimum £1600 ($2600 in USD for my American friends) by tomorrow morning or he’d be calling back to take my belongings because I’d previously signed something called a Walking Posession Order when the last bailiff called. TW pointed out to me that the WPO was for the other debt that I’d agreed installments on and therefore not applicable to the current situation … but ultimately it came down to me still having two debts and both needed paying.

I did have a leg to stand on because of the whole confusion on the two different debts as I’d thought it was a single balance I owed … and the office did agree with me on that, but the other side of ultimately is that I still owe the money either way. It is as black & white as that, and as AP points out to me, until my business has absolutely NO DEBTS whatsoever then it has no chance of making any money because even every single penny that I get personally is ultimately payable to my business to clear the debts. He is right, but even he said that obviously you can’t live like that and you have to pay bills, buy food, afford two children etc … but his point is that the sooner the debts are paid off … the sooner I get to actually breathe and sleep properly instead of worrying, and the sooner I actually start to MAKE money back again. It’s either that or go bankrupt, close the doors on the biz and get a crappy job to fit in with school hours. This really is not an option!!

AP also doesn’t expect me to be able to magic money out of nowhere and an ideal world is just that! BUT he asked me how much I thought I could reasonably come up with towards it and still be able to live and I said I could withdraw £300 ($490USD) in cash from my bank account this afternoon as long as I had a very basic budget for next month, and that I could probably ask my mum for around £300-400 as a loan for a few months. AP said if I could come up with the £700 between me and what I could get from my mum, then he had £1,300 that he could give me towards it which would be £2k ($3,275 in USD for my American friends!) The bailiff only needs £1600 to go away, so to give him what he wants plus as much extra as I can scrape together towards the rest of the debt could only go in my favour as far as getting them to put the rest on an installment plan and keeping the wolves from the door goes.

You have to love parents – even as a 34 year old independent woman I still every now and again have to borrow some cash from my mother! She’s loaned me before and because I do try to always pay her back as quickly as possible because it leaves the Bank Of Mum open for another loan in the future if it is needed!! She totally came through for me with £400 and she did a bank transfer so it went straight to my account so I can withdraw the cash in the morning for the bailiff.

THEN AP TURNED UP WITH £1,500 IN CASH FOR ME!

He is totally going without himself this month as well so that he could get me as much cash as possible and it isn’t a loan either. He said he’s been using my workplace as storage space for long enough and that it was about time he paid me some rent. He said he’d been planning on giving me some rent money all along to put towards my actual business rent at the premises, but that needs be as needs must and that it was more important to get the bailiff paid off right now. He has also offered to take care of paying my mum back because he knows that every single penny my business is making goes straight into the biz account to pay off the small business loan that I took out a few years ago and that all of the supplies I’ve bought for the business have come out of my own pocket too. He knows and he can see that I am doing as much as I can now and that my head IS motivated to sorting it all out.

I now have £2,200 in cash to give to the bailiff tomorrow morning which is enough to completely wipe out one of the two business rates debts, pay all of the bailiff costs and put a small dent into the other rates debt. the bailiff even said to me on the phone that if I paid the £1600 then that would be enough to set up an installment plan for £250 a month ($410USD) for the final balance over the next 5 months – until the new rates bill is due in April 2010.

AP plans on having my mother paid back within the month and another big £1,100 chunk of the business rates taken care of well before Christmas as a total of £3K that he has given me which he said covers his rent on my workspace for a year. He suggested that I can then take the £250 a month that I would have been putting aside for the bailiff and pay it straight to my landlord at work towards my rent debt there. I’ve been incredibly lucky that I’ve been given a year rent free at work – as long as I try to stay on top of the maintenance (electric, gas, water rates etc) then they will not worry about what I owe for now and review the situation in January. It is an incredibly generous offer and I need to be paying them something to keep them sweet as they have been extremely patient with me!

AP has been so incredibly amazing. It’s not even about the money, but the fact that he came straight over this evening to give me £1,500 in cash is beyond words and I am still speechless over that one. He’s been an absolute rock today. He was totally there for me when I was about to crumble, but with his help and knowing my friends were 100% there for me made such a difference to how the day actually turned out today.

AP is my partner in more ways than one. He’s not just my boyfriend and my “other half”, but he is genuinely my partner in all senses of the word. He wants to invest in me as a business partner and  use the money he’s making in dribs and drabs to actually invest in something he knows is worthwhile (ie me!) and make money for the pair of us in the future. He has some phenomenal ideas too for going forwards.

One thing I definitely know for absolute DEFINITE now if I had even an inkling of doubt before … AP is definitely just as in this for the long haul as I am or he just wouldn’t have moved heaven and hell to bring me £1500 in cash this evening. Again it’s not even just about the money – it’s the way he was 100% there for me in support when it came to crunch time regardless of whatever else was going on between us at the time.

AP is everything I have ever wanted in a man/partner! My ex drove me mad with his refusal to talk and the way he would bury his head in the sand, not even acknowledging that there was even a problem in the first place! AP won’t even let it go an hour before phoning me or showing up on the doorstep if I don’t answer. We do have our problems, but at the end of the day they are such stupid minor ones – nothing that relates to anything major, and nothing we can’t work out or move past. We argue for … well, I am still trying to work that one out.

Today was a real wake up call … in so many senses of the word. My relationship, my business and even my kids/parenting skills to a certain degree with everything else going on with my son and his behaviour right now!!!

I learned a lot today, but above all else I really know without a shadow of a doubt that AP really really and truly does love me. Not just that, but he loves me more than I think I have ever been loved before – even by my husband at the happiest point of our marriage! His love seems to be as unconditional as that of a parent or established family member and this is all new on me. No matter how deep the d0-do gets for me with money and debts, my son or anything else …. AP is there absolutely and unequivocably without a doubt in support and motivation. The next time we argue, I need to remember just how much he does love me and maybe be the first to back down and ask for a hug more often!

We HAVE agreed that talking properly has been a new and very different thing for both of us and that it is taking some getting used to in order to be completely open and honest about things that are on our minds. Sometimes you need to think about things to yourself before you talk to your other half to make sure you’ve thought it through properly … we both agree on this and both still need to learn to give each other the leeway and trust that the other WILL talk … when they are ready.

So that is my last 48 hours … and now I am going to bed!!

I HATE being ill!!!

I hate loathe and despise being ill. It seems a silly thing to say because I can’t think of anybody who actually enjoys being ill … except maybe my kids as it would give them an excuse to stay off school …

Being ill gives me far too many excuses to procrastinate about everything, do absolutely nothing and yet still complain about how much I have still to do. I do this on a daily basis – I do not need extra help from being ill!! My house didn’t get cleaned for three days straight and when I attempted a clean up today when I actually felt a bit better, my vacuum cleaner broke. I gave up!

AP has been ill too – we’ve had a variation of the same thing and mine is a few days ahead of his, so whatever stage I’ve got to – he’s known he’s had that coming next. We’ve been through the coughing and sneezing – a tickly cough to start with, then going down onto your chest leading to a throat/chest infection and wheezing, followed by the aching bones, headaches, sweats and cold shivers. If the joy of that wasn’t enough, the final bit seems to be SLEEP of a ridiculous amount and a general feeling of groggyness!!

I slept for 15 hours on Friday night. In fact I don’t even remember Friday night! I have had the kids with me this weekend and I was feeling so tired after dinner that I decided to take a little nap at 6.30pm. I set my alarm for two half an hour intervals so that the kids could have some computer time (half an hour each) while I napped. The idea was that when the first alarm went off, I’d tell them to swap over … this all worked without a hitch, and then when the second alarm went off … which should have been at 7.30pm, I would sort out bedtime snacks & drinks and get them ready for bed.

Unfortunately my second alarm never went off! It was only when AP called me at 10.30pm that I actually woke up!! I had a panic about whether it was 10.30 AM or AP … then once I’d figured that out, I came downstairs to find my daughter just vegged out in front of the TV and my son still playing on my computer. I put the kids to bed and after a three hour nap, I slept for another twelve hours straight. I guess I needed it!!

The kids don’t really seem to have been affected by it. They aren’t coughing or sneezing at all. I reckon they have built up an immunity to it at school and are just bringing all of the bugs home to share … that I then go share with AP!

In the meantime though I haven’t been slacking, I’ve been slogging through it. You kind of have no choice when you are a single parent because no matter how crappy you feel, you still have to get up, make breakfast, make packed lunches, iron school uniform and help with homework as well as solve the mysteries of the universe … all on a weekday before 8.30am!

I’ve also done a LOT of work on my business website over the last few days updating it with new stuff, getting old stuff back online etc. I have to admit – the facebook product fan page was a bloody genius idea of mine! I’ve only really been promoting it for a few days, and at least half of the fans of my products are people I do not know. Bearing in mind I asked all of my friends to become fans first (they’ve all tried my products anyway! LOL) so that there were at least some fans there already … but every single one of those people I don’t know is a potential new customer.

I love facebook for the way it updates your friends that John Smith has become a fan of big blue cars for example. All of John Smith’s friends will get that update in their news feed … and then they can click on the link to become a fan of big blue cars too! All of the updates that big blue cars send out then go to John AND his friends.

My products are very female oriented, but I’ve noticed men have become fans too – and that is interesting. AP has been saying for a while that I need to target men more, so maybe some facebook updates about gifts for wives & girlfriends wouldn’t go amiss in the run up to Christmas…. hmmmm!

Even though I’ve been ill, I have been feeling very motivated about doing stuff that I can get done sat in front of the computer! I’ve updated the website, updated the facebook product page, put orders in for new supplies, worked on new stationary … and it’s been really good to hear the bing bong of email, then to check and see it’s another new order.

Money worries me a lot. The business has SO much debt and every single penny that it makes in orders goes to pay off my business loan – a short term solution a while back that has bit me in the ass ever since. All of the supplies I am buying to keep my business going are coming out of my own personal pocket. I have budgeted fairly well over the last year since I left my ex and I’ve been living in this house, and I’ve managed to live just below my income level so I’d built up some funds in the bank. Most of that has gone now on a new computer when my laptop went fizz bang, when the bailiffs turned up on my door looking for business rates payment from last year and demanded a bulk payment, when I spent a fortune on new clothes for the kids (damn them for growing!) … ohh and when I had to replace two tyres plus the spare on my car – that helped eat into my funds! I’m sure there is more, I just don’t want to think about it!!

Thankfully I know I can live on less than I actually get in tax credits and child benefit each week … just …

There’s still some left in my “rainy day” fund and although most of it is budgeted for Christmas, I need to replenish my supplies. I’ve just put in an order for the main ingredient in my products so I have enough to be able to fill any orders that come through the website now … plus I ordered what I’ll call “froofy bits” – the added extras that entice customers to buy! I can’t go into more detail without giving my business away and I NEED to stay anonymous on here. What I WILL say though is that within minutes … literally minutes of adding my new “froofy bits” to the website – I had an order. What can ya say to that?!?!?!

It’s been an interesting few days …

Things with AP? Absolutely brilliant. It’s been 4 days since the night he sat there and talked to me about what had been bugging him and honestly I don’t think it has been a problem since then… at least as not as far as I can tell. We’ve been loving and intimate and even had the “houses we could move into together” conversation again while looking at dream houses online! He sent me a link to a few 4 bed houses to rent in the area (me & him, the kids & a computer/work room) and said how much it would be each if we split the rent in half. He did admit he said it to see what my reaction would be and to see if I would be scared by it! I wasn’t scared at all and I told him that!

I wonder why he thinks I would be scared though … the idea of being together for the rest of our lives isn’t exactly a subject we’ve avoided! I know he wants to settle down, get a house, work hard and have a family … and he knows I am family oriented, want more children and also want more out of my business too! We’ve talked about marriage and the future as much as a couple can without the assumption of an imminent proposal. Of COURSE I want to live with him!! Maybe I need to make that more obvious!?!

I did tell him that I didn’t feel restricted or confined by my current area either. He is just a town over from me – a 6-10 minute drive depending on traffic, so that’s nothing. I told him I’d happily move anywhere within a 30 minute drive without worrying too much about moving the kids schools right away, and anything a bit further afield could just be worked on for the right place.

I think my problem is after years of being ignored by my ex-husband or cheated on by my exes in general … I am convinced that the fairytale never exists. There IS no happily ever after … or is there? I am so much in love with AP and everything about him just screams at me to grab him with both arms and never ever let him go, but I am soooooo scared to let go completely. What if it doesn’t work out? What if we move in together and it doesn’t work? It’s not just me and him, it’s him and me plus my kids. It’s a huge responsibility for him to take on as well… but then again he wouldn’t have even suggested it if it wasn’t a serious possibility for the future, and like I said … we have talked about it before …

You know what? I think he really loves me.

A confession …

I did a thing … not a bad thing per se, but probably morally irreprehensible!

I created a facebook page for my business so that my customers can become fans of my products … and a few days ago I updated the website with a link to the facebook page. I’d previously invited all of my friends who’ve tried my candles to become fans so I had a reasonable number of existing fans before promoting the page on my website.

Okay all of that is perfectly above board and no problem at all… and it’s worked!!! I have several new fans now whose names I don’t recognise so they HAVE to be coming from the link from the website or from surfing pages/groups on facebook for similar products.

So – is it a terribly bad thing that I have created a separate facebook account under a different email address and fake name to start off discussions about my products and posted a glowing review in a fake name? Especially considering …. it’s worked!!!

3 complaints from my boyfriend!

I’ve had three official complaints from my boyfriend today!!

First of all, I apparently don’t kiss him enough! We were sat on my sofa this evening when he popped over for a couple of hours and he was wearing one of my favourite colognes (JPG for men – smells GRRRR on him!) … so I was sniffing his neck a lot – well damn he smelled gooooooood and he said “it would be nice if you kissed me more instead of just sniffing me!” I was gobsmacked!!

Next was that I am apparently trying to organise other people (err I read that to mean him!) too much. I know what he’s talking about here as I was a bit bossy earlier on in the day … but he wanted me to do him a favour and I still had a lot to do at work, so I did get a bit “right, well if you go and do that then grab this and fill up the whatsit then by the time you’ve got that, I’ll be done here” and although he didn’t say anything at the time, I did wonder about the look he’d given me. Thing is … that was all to help him out and to try to make the best use of the limited time until the kids finished school! He’d also just taken two days off over the weekend and sat around his house chilling out and relaxing! Not that he doesn’t deserve time off … it’s just that I’d spent Saturday photographing my friend’s wedding and then Sunday was a nightmare day with my son’s behaviour so I didn’t get a rest at all. I’d wanted to get into work, get my stuff done and then sit down and chill out for the rest of Monday till I had to pick up my children!! I didn’t mention any of that … I d idn’t want to be defensive … I just said okay, I’d try to watch for that in the future.

Lastly … just before he left this evening when we said goodbye on the doorstep, I said “I love you” … and his reply was that it would be nice if I said it sometimes when he arrived rather than just as he is leaving. I said “err well so could you …” he said yes he could … then we kissed again and he left.

I’m a bit weirded out by it to be honest and it has left me feeling a little bit uncomfortable. He could say “I love you” at other times just as much as I could … he could lean in and kiss me more, and if I hadn’t noticed he was wearing a different cologne, he would probably have said I hadn’t got close enough to smell him enough!

I’ve felt like he’s almost backed off a little bit over the last few days. Maybe it’s my imagination … but three complaints? I’m very obviously not making him happy at the moment …

You snooze, you lose!

I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning, but with the kids back at school I don’t have a choice! I have to set three alarms too and I’m not kidding either! I have my first alarm that goes off at 6am – this is my “you need to be aware you have to get up soon” alarm, then my next one shrieks at me at 6.30am. This is the more  serious “c’mon, wakey wakey time soon” alarm. This one I also have set on a 45 minute snooze just incase  I miss the 7am alarm – this is the noisy one that tells me “Nessa Pink get that ASS out of bed and move it, move it, move it!!!!” Can’t afford to sleep in!!

I’ve been asked why I don’t just set one alarm for 7am, but I guess by doing it my way it feels like I’ve had some kind of lay in by the time I actually get up!

I haven’t been sleeping well … lots of things going around in my head that I haven’t had a chance to write about yet and I am awake until 2-3am in the morning most nights … it’s also why I really struggle waking up at 6am because 4hrs is the maximum amount of sleep I get at the moment.

Sooooo anyway I went up to the gym first thing this morning and signed on the dotted line so I am a fully set member now. I have my induction appointment tomorrow where an instructor will help set up a workout for me to work on and banish my wobbly bits. I’ve already booked a salsa aerobics class on Friday morning too – that sounds like a LOT of hard work and a lot of fun at the same time. I can’t dance to save my life and have never done salsa, so really fancy giving this one a go!

Here’s a funny thing … part of me was a little nervous about mentioning to AP that I wanted to join the gym because I was worried about what he would say about the money it will cost me and the time I’ll be spending not working on getting my business back up and running. He knows I don’t have much to spare as I’m a single parent living on tax credits and he feels that every spare penny that I have should go on my business debts and every spare minute spent working on making that money!! I don’t disagree with him in principle as I owe a serious amount of money, but I also feel that I bloody deserve a little frivolity from my meagre existence too! Not that going to the gym is exactly frivolity though! LOL

As it was he didn’t say too much really – I told him about the classes I want to do and before he could say anything about the time I would use up (that I could be working!) I said I planned on dropping the kids off at school and being in the gym by 9am then showered and at my workshop by 10.45.  Most of the time when I’m waiting for him to call me in the mornings I don’t get down there till after 11.30 anyway and still manage to get most things done!

Why did I feel the need to justify that? This is my blog!

A fortnight of bliss!

It took a lot of organising and even more stroppy fits from my ex, but my children have spent the last 2 weeks of the school summer holidays with their father … and AP and I have been pretty much living in each other’s pockets for the entire time at a combination of his place and mine!  I’ve had the children back home for a couple of nights now and to say it is weird is an understatement! Not weird to have the kids back home – as that is how it is meant to be … but spending that time with AP became so horribly normal as well,  and it is WEIRD not to be together 24/7 now!

AP and I have taken his introduction to the children really slowly. He met them on neutral territory at a local park for a picnic the first time and I chose this specifically so that both AP and my kids felt comfortable – a public place with lots going on to make conversation about if things got uncomfortable (which they didn’t!) AP only then gradually started to come round for a cuppa in the afternoons but didn’t stay long at first, and it was then a while before he started coming over in the evenings.

Before the two weeks together, AP had started to come over here in the evening a bit more if he didn’t have to work, but has never spent a night here when the children are here. It’s his choice as well as mine… in fact it’s probably definitely him that makes the final decision to leave for the night! I 100% respect him for this as it shows he really does give a damn about my kids and their feelings.

The two weeks were definitely an interesting experiment!! Before this, the longest that AP and I spent together was 4 nights over New Year’s Eve, so living in each other’s pockets like that for two weeks while still trying to maintain “normal lives” was interesting! We were trying to plan to get away for a few nights at least, but he had urgent work crop up that had to take a priority, and at the same time my website exploded into action with orders! It was a bummer that we didn’t get away for a break, but it worked out as AP helped me with my orders and I helped him with his stuff!

We had two weeks full of working, eating and sleeping, but I actually liked the fact that things were so horrible normal during the time that we spent together. It was almost like a bit of proof that yes, we could actually live together maybe at some point in the future without driving each other too crazy …

AP and I had a total of 4 arguments during the 2 weeks we spent together and I thought that was a lot by anybody’s standards!! When we’ve rowed before, AP has put it down to frustration at not being able to be together as much as we wanted … and I can’t help but wonder whether what we rowed about over the last couple of weeks has been a similar thing from the opposite perspective because the arguments really were over such silly things! Maybe we were both too conscious that we only had this time together before normality resumed … and maybe that caused more of a frustration than not being together in the first place!?!

Ack I don’t know! LOL What I do know though is that AP and I argue over such silly pointless stuff! We are both so damned stubborn too and it gets to the point where we are both sat there in silence in a strop and both desperately wanting to make up, but wanting the other to say sorry/back down first!! We also never actually end up arguing about what we first started arguing about in the first place! It is so silly and pointless!! At least we both agree on that! I do wonder how many of our arguments come down to frustrations …

Thing is … I DO really miss him not being around! It isn’t just last thing at night or first thing in the morning … it is all the bloody time! I miss him at odd bizarre moments during the day simply because this time last week we were in Sainsburys together, or snuggled up on the sofa watching Diagnosis Murder, or making food together.

Although we have some very passionate rows … neither of us is ever afraid to say sorry when we know we are in the wrong … and neither of us is too big to stand up and say “I need a hug” in the middle of a massive argument! We both very freely say “I love you” as well

I just hope that our rows aren’t too much for him and that he is at the same page I am. My mum even asked me today where I saw myself in 5 years and my answer straight away was living with AP with at least another child and the business up & running successfully!!

Anyway … sorry for the absence – got loads to write about but will have to play catch up over the next few days. Thankfully the kids are back to school soon!!!

Too busy living life :-)

Oooooooooh well I never thought for a minute it would be THIS long till I posted again! I had every intention of writing about my day to day stuff, but the truth is … I have been way too busy enjoying my life to post about it! A few of my regular readers have contacted me to say they were gagging for an update … so here goes!!

The last couple of weeks in brief full glorious technicolour!!

Love … ohh it’s a wonderful thing isn’t it! My relationship with AP has changed up by so many levels and honestly I’ve never been happier! People say that all the time, but I really mean it! It was almost worth going through the pain and heart ache of splitting up a couple of months ago to be where we are at now because it’s just amazing. AP is not a man who talks bullshit, so when he told me that he loved me more than he had ever loved anybody in the past … I knew he meant it. We have fallen hard for each other.

We’ve discovered so much about each other on a sexual level too – I’m not going to go into detail, but it has been amazing to discover things I never knew about my own body as well as my partner’s! I find it unbelievable that I have got to the age of 34 and not known some of this stuff! AP and I are both fairly sexually experienced from our pasts, but we both love that a lot of the things we’ve been doing sexually have been firsts for us both … and this in itself has been an incredible turn on to discover this and find this all out together.

AP is self employed and really snowed under with work at the moment, but he totally blew off work last night (Weds) when the kids were with their dad and all day today (Thurs) to spend with me. I usually help him when he gets really busy and I’d anticipated us spending a couple of hours working on his current project but he was adamant that nope, we needed to spend some serious quality time together, and even though it’s meant he’s actually now a week behind because of the prep he missed out on doing too … the time together was incredible and so worth it. Work is always something that would turn AP non-sexual too … if he got too far behind, his sexual button was just switched off while he was in work mode. The simple fact that he gave up on his time to get caught up to be with me and just relax together was a huge enormous signal on his part!!!

My kids are off school for the summer now and my ex and I have finally reached an agreement on the arrangements during the six weeks. He has them every Weds night and every other weekend which is four out of fourteen nights every fortnight … or less than 100 hours per month. During the school holidays it is very difficult for me to work on MY business. I’m self employed too and my business is currently worth shit – in fact it’s in debt so actually worth less than shit! I can bring it out of that but all the while I am with the children during the working day … it makes it very difficult. I am entitled to childcare vouchers, but with my son’s ADHD & Autism, he needs to be in the care of people who understand his disabilities and his limitations without labelling him as a troublemaker. He’s not an easy child to take care of if you don’t know how his mind works, so it’s not that simple.

I have managed to get my ex to agree to take his children for two weeks during the school holidays so that I can get a break and even this took a lot of aggro from him before he would agree to it. He just kept ignoring the fact that I need to work too. AP and I will probably end up going away somewhere for a couple of nights (he’s hinted at this!!), but other than that I need to put maximum effort into my business during that time.

Me without what I do is like asking a duck to live without water. It can do it but it won’t truly be happy.  AP has been a huge part of motivating me with this. He’s had some genuinely terrific ideas that could really help to push my business forward… all it takes is for me to grab the bull by the horns, get my backside in gear and really go for it. Thanks to AP’s ass kicking I’m raring to go!

Again I find myself going back to just talking about AP and how much in love I am!

The last six weeks with AP have been amazing. We’ve talked – and talked – and talked… and as a result we’ve both fallen deeper and deeper in love with each other. He says it … but he actually doesn’t need to because I really FEEL it from him. The way he looks at me … the way he totally fills me with confidence about my body as well as my mind is totally mindblowing to me. I have a man who not only finds me attractive, but who really really actually loves me too. We both say “I love you” all the time now … it’s not a habit thing or over-said to make a point … it’s naturally said by either or both of us when the time is right … which to be honest is most of the time right now!!

The only thing worrying me even a little bit is that he still has a concern that I might even possibly cheat on him. I don’t blame him because I still have some of the same insecurities. I don’t necessarily think he’ll cheat on me – that thought doesn’t actually even occur to me… but I’ve been guilty of worrying about other attractive women and that I’m not good enough. It’s ridiculous I know. The thing that makes the whole idea of either of us cheating is that to be this much in love with somebody and for them to feel the same way about you … to be so insanely physically attracted to each other with such an amazing sex life (and I mean amazing!) and to still have the friendship connection, the ability to really talk and be honest, the connection and the everything else …

What AP and I have isn’t something you just throw away on a whim because someone else caught your eye because it just isn’t going to happen! I have no eye for starters! I look at men that are supposed to be “good looking”  and feel totally a-sexual because I am so crazy about AP that it doesn’t register that there are attractive men out there. AP is the only man I ever want to be with for the rest of my life. He is gorgeous and he’s sexy and all mine … I don’t ever want anything or anyone else! If I had to live my life without AP then I’d stay single – pure and simple because after finding something this good … how can there be anything else??

It’s our own past baggage that has held us back from this point so far … but the more I understand the way AP looks at me … I realise that he loves ME for who I am, that he is turned on by me … that he fancied me when I was bigger and fancied me when I was smaller! Just because I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost and I’m not 100% happy with my body doesn’t make me unattractive in the eyes of my boyfriend! Equally AP needs to learn that just because we have a big blow up that our relationship isn’t necessarily over, and that if we have a row the day before we are due to see each other… that I’m not picking an argument to avoid seeing him the next day. Both things that have come up recently and been talked about.

We’re both getting there too … day by day the insecurities are melting away. Maybe we were possibly both unconsciously looking for reasons not to trust each other because when it’s this good – surely it’s too good to be true? … but it isn’t. This is very real and it actually really can be this good when you meet the right person.

My kids both deserve a mention in my update! Before school finished for the year I had a call from one of my son’s teachers  to tell me that he had won one of the school’s annual awards that would be presented in assembly, and this knocked me for six! This is the boy who this time last year would be spinning around in circles during assembly or trying to hide in the curtains or generally being disruptive… and he won a “Bookworm” trophy! He was given the award because he loves facts and information and always has his head in a book! When the head gave out the award, he commented on what a source of valuable information my son is because he reads so much. I had tears in my eyes … I was so proud!

Since I left their dad I’ve been to hell and back almost literally with his behaviour but it has paid off. I started a chore chart and implemented new punishments and new rewards, totally restricted the time they could both spend on the computer and watching television … and the result has been much better behaved children!

Even my daughter who has just turned 11 seems to have dropped a lot of her attitude and she’s working hard, looking forward to her new school and again – always has her nose in a book! She is still cheeky, but with a dose of respect on the side and always apologises if she pushes me too far! I’m raising these kids good!

My son still has the very occasional bed wetting incident and very very occasional #2 accident but on the whole he has done brilliantly. I like to think that it’s down to me too! I don’t allow the children to spend hours on the computer or hours watching TV at a time … so he’s never too engrossed in something that he can’t think about going to the toilet instead of having an accident! The bed-wetting I can deal with. It isn’t every night and if I wake him before I go to bed at night then it isn’t a problem anyway!!

So yeah … life is good … life is great … I’m just mega busy living it instead of blogging constantly about how crap everything is!! I have the kids most of the time during the week while they are on school holidays, then pretty much all my “spare” time is spent with AP!

I will TRY to update more often but those who know where to find me on facebook know what’s going on day to day meanwhile! LOL

Love Nessa xx